The Guy Isn’t Afraid To Ask The Tough Questions
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Monday, April 30, 2012
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Russia Says Aliens Think We Are Stupid
“And, according to the Moscow Times, at least one local scientist has gone out on a limb with his personal UFO views.
"Aliens look at us as if we are idiots, undeveloped people," said Sergei Smirnov of the Pulkovo Observatory outside of St. Petersburg.
"Perhaps they have fenced us in with their own sort of screen for the whole galaxy and are sending warnings to hundreds of billions of stars that the civilization near the Dwarf star -- which we call the sun -- is dangerous."”-(Credit: HuffPost )
Classic Russia. What’s that? Aliens think we are stupid and undeveloped people? Well I guess they forgot to tell that to Will Smith because last time I saw an alien Will Smith was punching it in the fucking face! How’s that for stupid and undeveloped? How about we send Will Smith to punchasize every single alien in the face and then see what they have to say about us?! What now? HUH? Come at me Aliens! Come at me! Who cares if they think we are stupid? I mean don’t you think they sort of have a point? Look at us. We are a group of people who idolize morons like Snooki and the Kardashians. We do stuff that we know is going to kill us just as a way to past the time. We had Rick Santorum as a serious contender to run for the presidency of the United States! WE HAVE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS BLOG ON A REGULAR BASIS! That is saying something about our intelligence. Sounds like a group of stupid individuals to me. Don’t worry though. I don’t think they are really trying to threaten our way of life. I don’t know if you’ve heard about my boy UFO Phil yet but homie says we are safe. Once the aliens come, they are going to appoint him president of the world and then we are all safe. So Russia just needs to calm down a little bit. Plus you guys did a good job proving how intelligent we actually are. Thank the lord above that you offered up this gem of a quote "Perhaps they have fenced us in with their own sort of screen for the whole galaxy and are sending warnings to hundreds of billions of stars that the civilization near the Dwarf star -- which we call the sun -- is dangerous." If that doesn’t show how intelligent and developed we actually are then I don’t know what will!
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Man Goes To His Ex For Dental Work, She Pulls All Of His Teeth
(Picture Credit: Here )
“Marek Olszewski, 45, made the mistake of scheduling an
appointment this week with his ex -- 34-year-old Anna Mackowiak -- for a
toothache, according to the Daily Mail.
So Mackowiak allegedly did what any burned beau with a
set of pliers and some anesthetic would do: she doped him up, pulled out all
his teeth, and wrapped his head with bandages so he wouldn't notice until he
left her office.
"I tried to be professional and detach myself from
my emotions," she told the news site. "But when I saw him lying there
I just thought, 'What a b-----d.'"
Olszewski could tell something was wrong when he awoke
and couldn't feel any teeth in his mouth. But he said Mackowiak assured him
that he'd be fine once the numbness wore off, NDTV reported.
"I didn't have any reason to doubt her -- I mean I
thought she was a professional," he said
He was wrong.
"But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn't f--king believe it," he said. "The b--ch had emptied my mouth.
Worse, Olszewski's new girlfriend dumped him because, well, she couldn't date a man without any teeth, the Daily Telegraph reported.”-(Credit: HuffPost)
Classic case of guy
meets girl, guy dates girl date, guy breaks up with girl, guy goes to ex-girl
for some dentist work, girl rips out all of his teeth. You see this type of
stuff almost every day. If going to the dentist wasn’t bad enough already, now
you got crazed ex-girlfriends pulling all of your teeth out. Talk about a bad
day right? Imagine going in for a routine dental procedure and walking out with
no teeth? Ain’t that a kick in the dick? Girls are crazy spiteful creatures.
That’s just how they are built. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Then on top
of that, his current girlfriend dumped him because “she couldn’t date a man
without any teeth.” You can’t make this shit up. I mean I thought my life
sucked but this dude just made me feel 10000 times better about myself. Even though
all this shit happened, I kind of find it hard to feel bad for this guy. I mean
I don’t even like being in the same room as an ex-girlfriend let alone let her
do some sort of work on me. I wouldn’t let an ex-girlfriend pick my dog up at a
vet let alone do something to my body. Ya digg? I definitely would not let her drug me up and
play with my teeth. Girls are loose cannons. They can say they are cool when
you break up but they aren’t. There is so much built up anger and bad thoughts.
I don’t blame this chick either. If I had a steady enough hand and my ex was
willing to let me fix her teeth, I would totally consider pulling them all. In
the end I wouldn’t because I’m all talk and no action. That's just how I do. You know me. Plus most
girls scare me and I’m afraid of confrontation but I digress. At the end of the
day I refer back to something my grandfather told me years ago. “Bitches be
crazy. Fuck bitches get money. G-G-G-G-G- G-UNIT!” He was from a different
time.
Read more...
Friday, April 27, 2012
“Sit Down Lou” Is This Weekends Inspiration
EDIT: For some reason it won't let my embed the video....but heres the link. Sorry for the trouble.
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Do You Think Hulk Hogan Hulks Up Before…You Know….
“Hulk Hogan
would like those photos from a sex tape allegedly showing him, er,
body-slamming an unidentified brunette taken off the
Web, please. A lawyer for the pro wrestler, whose real name is Terry
Bollea, has sent a cease-and-desist letter to TheDirty.com asking the site to
take down the (extremely grainy) black-and-white screen-grabs. "As you
know, should a sex tape or photographs of Mr. Bollea exist, they were taken
without his consent and therefore the same would constitute a felony in the
State of Florida," the lawyer wrote, according to TMZ. If that doesn't
work, perhaps Hulk can try an "atomic drop" on the site's
proprietors.”-(Credit: MSN )
Listen
I’m not saying that I would watch a Hulk Hogan sex tape but I would totally consider
it. I mean you are going to tell me that you aren’t at least a little
interested at how the Hulkster gets down? Not even a little? Like is the chick
sitting in the room when the lights go out and all of a sudden you hear… “When
it comes crashing down and it hurts inside…..”? Hogan kicks the door in and
circles around the bed a few times, flexing, and motioning for the crowd to get
louder. Does he get on the bed and rip his shirt off and flex in all the
classic Hogan stances? I mean he has to right? That must be the only way to get
himself amped up. Classic Hogan. My only question I have left is…..if he can’t….you
know….get it up per say….do you think…..he hulks himself up? You know? Like he
has her hit him a bunch of times as he rallies to his feet so to speak. Oh don’t
act all surprised that I would ask that. Hey! We were all wondering it. Someone
had to ask it. It might as well be The Guy. That’s why I’m here. I am a real
American. Fight for the rights of every man!
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Is This Funny?
So The Guy has been out of the office dealing with some
family business for a few days and when I arrived back here today I had a tweet
from someone telling me to check out this video. Now I don’t know if these bros
are actually Ky Guy’s or people who are just trying to get their shit out there
but I checked it out for shits and giggs. Needless to say I was far from
impressed and I was even confused. Like I don’t get if it was supposed to be
funny or not. I guess I just don’t get the video in general. Is it just a
couple of bros wearing different hats, sipping beers, and dancing in the shower
to a song that is mad old? Is that funny? Am I behind the times? Is that what
people like to see? I didn’t laugh once. I didn’t even smile. It felt kind of
like when a child tells you to watch him do something really awesome and then
he just does something fucking stupid like roll down a hill or something like
that. Like dude that’s not impressive. It just kind of made me angry. In fact
upon viewing this video I got out of my chair, went outside, and threw an old
lady down a flight of stairs. I didn’t even know her. She was just there. A
victim of circumstance. Then I chugged a Half Coke cut with a Zima , went
inside, and sat down again. I want that one and a half minutes of my life back.
For some reason this video reminded me of the sex tape that Screech from Saved By The Bell made. I don’t know why it does but it just does. “Yo
The Guy you….” Yes I have seen the Screech Powers sex tape and no I’m not proud
of it but it happened so can’t we just move on already? Listen guys, I’m not
knocking you for trying but this is just not good. Believe me. If you’ve read
any of my blogs you know that I fall short of being funny almost every day of
my life. This blog alone should prove that but my friends give me a fake laugh and that encourages me to do more.
I think you guys fell victim to that as well. If you wanna make it big….dancing
like an idiot to LMFAO is not the way to go about it. You wanna make it big?
You need to pick
fights with managers at Livelinks, make a whole slew of unfunny
guides, and walk around with an unearned sense of accomplishment. It’s
worked wonders for me! I wanna know what our readers think though. Is this The
Guy right and this is the worst thing to happen to comedy since ROB! or do these guys need to their own
TV show? Silence, as always, speaks louder than words.
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Man Gets Stopped For DUI, Uses Best Excuse Going
Barnard W. Cato told police that he bolted for the nearest toilet after he unknowingly crashed his car into another vehicle and a newspaper stand early Tuesday morning.
"I had the runs, I had to go," Cato said, according to an arrest report obtained by the Gainesville Sun.”-(Credit: HuffPost )
Not going to lie, I have always thought about using this excuse when getting pulled over. It’s really the best excuse going. Why was I speeding? Because I have the fucking runs man! Why else would I be speeding?! Sure this man was clearly intoxicated. Sure he hit a car and then fled the scene. But when you gotta go you gotta go. Everyone knows that! Everyone can relate to having the runs. Probably one of the worst feelings out there. What do you want this guy to do? Wait to be arrested and then try and hold it all the way to the station, through booking, and cell selection? Good luck. You and I both know that is impossible! “Listen officer you can arrest me but I’m literally about to shit my pants” Who wants to deal with someone with shitted pants? No one. That’s who. If anything this guy was doing the cops a favor. You ever drive in a car with someone who shit their pants? I have. It’s anything but pleasant. It’s a real shitty situation (pun might be intended). I mean sure you can roll the windows down but the smell still lingers. THE SMELL STILL LINGERS! Then the next thing you know, it’s seeping into the seats. Now you got shit seats. No one wants shit seats. Then you just have a car that smells like shit all the time and summers just around the corner! Yea that’s fucking gross. Come on officers. Get your shit together ( Pun TOTALLY intended on that one). You can at least allow the man to shit before you arrest him! It’s probably the best case scenario for everyone involved!
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Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The Guy Empties His Pockets
The Guy
fancies himself a pretty normal guy when it comes to most things. I like good
movies, beer, and women. Like most guys. There are some points in time that I
have my normality come into question. Sometimes by myself. Sometimes by other
people. Today I bring my own normality into question. I stumbled upon a list of
9
things a guy should have in his pockets at all times on MSN. I then emptied
my pockets and discovered I have legit zero of those things. I use a wallet
instead of a money clip. I don’t feel the need to have a flash drive on me at
all times. A comb and a pair of finger nail clippers are things I feel should
be left in a bathroom. I can’t remember a single time I ever said “man I wish I
had a pocket notebook right now” I’ve never randomly had the need to have a
knife handy. I mean a flask and flashlight are handy but I hardly see them as things
that need to be in my pocket at all times. I only have things that I know I
will need in the near future. Here are the things you can find in my pocket at
any given time. I refer to them as “my effects” because I have Captain Jack
Sparrow swag.
Car keys
(included with them is a bottle opener) - Always need my keys on me. Don’t
trust anyone with them. Bottle opener is always handy because I like to party.
Wallet- I have
too much shit I need to carry around to simply carry a money clip. You never
know when you are going to need to bust out your credit card, ID, or business
card. Yes you could put all of those in a money clip but I just don’t trust it.
Chap
stick- “What are you a chick?” No dude but I don’t like my lips getting
chapped. Is that so strange? Is there anything more annoying than chapped lips
besides Andy Dick? Didn’t think so.
Phone- My phone
is always on me and is always in my pocket. You can make notes to yourself on
it too which is wild right? Though I can see why most people would much rather
carry around a notebook and pen…..
Gum- You never
know who you are going to encounter on any given day. You only get one chance
to make a first impression and no one likes butt breathe. That’s just a cold
hard fact.
Inhaler- Because
sometimes even the most balling people alive have severe asthma. The Guy is no exception.
I guess my question is….does the content of my pockets make me
weird? Does the fact that I have nothing on the list of “9 things a guy should
have in his pockets” make me a weird dude? Help me out people!
Read more...
The Guy Can Hardly BEAR One Direction (You’ll See What I Did There)
(Picture Credit: http://www.wou.edu/~aemerson06/ariannasweb/koalabear.html )
I want to
start off this blog by saying this week is going to be a slow blogging week.
Due to a personal issue, blogs will be few and far between for the week. I
apologize in advance and thank you for your consideration. Moving on to today’s
topic. One Direction. What’s the deal with these guys? New boy band just doing
everything wrong? “What do you mean The Guy?” Well first they tricked me into
looking at their topless
teen boy bodies, now they are going around fucking Koala bears? What the
fuck? “What do you mean The Guy?” Well I was browsing the internet and I see
this headline: “Koala Chlamydia: One
Direction Boy Band Members Fear Infection” on HuffPost.
So as the amazing journalist I am, I didn’t read the article and just jumped to
extreme conclusions. That conclusion being that the boy band One Direction is
into banging Koala bears. What the fuck? Yea, fucking gross! That’s a big no
no. You are doing this whole boy band thing the wrong way. You can’t just go
around banging Koala bears, getting Koala chlamydia, and announcing it to the
world. That isn’t how the boy band world works. New Kids On The Block wouldn’t
do that. Backstreet Boys wouldn’t do that. J.T certainly wouldn’t do that.
Fuck! 98 Degrees wouldn’t even do that and they could have used as much press
as they could’ve gotten! I don’t know about you One Direction. I don’t trust you guys at all. If you want to
be taken seriously as a boy band you need to start crushing some pop stars and
leave the Koala bears alone. Unacceptable. Bad start. Very bad start.
Read more...
Friday, April 20, 2012
Lionel Richie’s “Dancing On The Ceiling” Is This Weekends Inspiration
I know what you’re thinking.. “Yo The Guy…you already gave us motivational quotes for the day….isn’t that inspiration enough?” I mean yea but I like to spoil you guys. So this weekend’s inspiration is something to get the party started off right. It’s a song that will have everyone up on their feet and dancing….on the ceiling! THAT’S RIGH! Ladies and gentlemen I present to you this weekend’s inspiration…..Lionel Richie’s timeless classic….DANCING ON THE CEILING! Throw on your dancing shoes, grab a brew, grab your best girl, and get yo ass on the ceiling! It isn’t going to dance on itself you know! Have a good weekend KyGuys and girls!
Read more...
The Guy Rates Your Beer: Etaller Curator Dunkler Doppelbock
So KyGuy faithful readers can recall a few weeks back The Guy took the readers to Germany with Flensburger Dunkel, and today we'll take a trip back to The Land of Beer for a second take on a beer that some say God may have created himself: Etaller Curator Dunkler Doppelbock
Ettal Germany sits about 1 hour outside of Munich and is close to the border of Austria and not too far from Switzerland. The Etaller Curator Dunkler Doppelbock is a beer based off of a recipe monks made in 1609. Now if none of you really know the history of beer, it’s important to know that Monks are the original KyGuys. I mean these guys loved making some fresh beer, high in alcohol and threw massive Dude Parties (DOOD PORTY DOOD PORTY) whenever they had the chance. When you can replicate a beer made by a monk in 1609 you know it’s gonna be down The Guys alley. This beer is kick ass. It’s a great beer to sip and take in the brown sugar and pipe tobacco aromas and flavors. The 9% ABV is probably The Guys favorite part. KyGuys and KyGirls alike will love this beer, but don't take The Guys word, go try one yourself.
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The Guy Discusses The Pros And Cons Of Napping
(Picture Credit: Hybridnation)
All of our readers know that we like to hit all the most important news stories here at KyGuy. So you really shouldn’t be surprised to find out that today we are covering an article I found on MSN about the pros and cons of napping. Yea! You guessed it! I didn’t actually fucking read it because it’s fucking stupid. Pros and cons of napping? Are you serious with this shit? You wrote an article about the pros and cons of napping? Yea….. like there are any cons of napping. Napping has got to be one of my top 5 favorite things to do. It’s almost perfect. Sleeping in the middle of that day? How can you beat that? There is literally nothing wrong with it. For shits and giggles I decided to compile my own list of the pros and cons of napping. Here it is!
Pros
· You get to sleep in the middle of the day! Who doesn’t like sleep? This is America! If you don’t like sleep then you can get the hell out!
· Perfect way to relax. Feeling stressed? Too much on your mind? Take a nap and let all of you troubles just sink away
· Naps boost morale. I’ve never seen someone wake up from a nap and be angry. I’ve never heard someone say “I really regret taking that nap.” I bet if every office instituted a mid-day nap production would go through the roof! People would be happier! Wives would get beaten less! Children would get more attention! The world would be a better place!
· Napping is the most crucial part of day drinking. Day drinking is awesome but some people don’t realize how important a nap is to it. Without a nap you would never last the whole day. At some point you need to shut your eyes, sober up a little, and recharge the battery. Drink all day, hit that nap, eat some dinner, and get back out there. Those beers aren’t going to drink themselves.
· Stuff that can’t be defined. They are awesome. Naps are just awesome. Plain and simple. They give you energy. They make you happy. They can make or break your day. Naps are always there for you when you need them most. They will never turn on you. Naps just have a quality that can’t quite be defined.
Cons
· Ummmm…..You have to make your bed twice in one day? I don’t make my bed so that doesn’t really apply for me but others might find it annoying…..
Just thinking quickly I came up with five pros and one kind of con for napping. Just what I thought. Napping can do no wrong! If you hate napping then I hate you. Plain and simple. Napping foooooo lyfe!
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The Guy Offers Up Some Motivational Quotes For Your Friday
Happy Friday KyGuys! Eight more hours until the weekend! I know they are going to be the slowest eight hours of your life but luckily The Guy is here to help you on this very Friday. I was cruising the internet when I stumbled upon a list of motivational quotes on MSN. They were pretty good if you are into “succeeding.” I know not all of the KyGuy’s are really into that. I know some of us are really just into settling. You know, being content. So for you I have created a whole slew of motivational quotes for you guys to use. Don’t blame me when you get one of these bad boys tattooed on you this weekend! Let’s go!
“When life gets tough….beer” - The Guy, 2012
“Sweat is God’s way of telling you that you’re doing it wrong” - The Guy, 2012
“The gym will be there tomorrow” -The Guy, 2012
“Someone has to be there to make other people look better” - The Guy, 2012
“Finding the remote is 90% mental” -The Guy, 2012
“Hey, she may not be the girl for you….but at least she’s here……and that….that’s saying something” -The Guy, 2012
“Remember you can have 15 used cars for the same price as their new one…one of them might even have a CD player” -The Guy, 2012
“Tomorrows a new day….. Don’t remind me” - The Guy, 2012
“No one ever failed at anything from their couch” - The Guy 2012 (not even sure that makes sense)
“If you can’t beat em…..they are probably better than you” - The Guy, 2012
“So she turned you down. There is always a stripper that thinks you’re cute” -The Guy, 2012
“Aim low. That way you are never disappointed” - The Guy, 2012
“Physical pain hurts bad. Mental pain hurts worse. Beer fixes everything” - The Guy, 2012
“No matter how good you are at something, there is always someone better” - The Guy, 2012
“No one’s ever drowned in beer”- The Guy, 2012 (not sure if that’s true)
"Pizza tastes better than the gym feels" -The Guy, 2012
“If at first you don’t succeed, Fuck it. It was stupid anyways”- The Guy, 2012
Wow. I don’t know about you but I’m feeling motivated! Let’s get out there and underachieve!
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Thursday, April 19, 2012
Is DogTV The Biggest Scam Going Right Now?
“Filmmakers are calling DogTV a new breed of television — an eight-hour block of on-demand cable TV programming designed to keep your dog relaxed, stimulated and entertained while you are at work.
To get the right footage, cameramen got on their knees and shot low and long. "I shot from the point of view of the dog," said Gilad Neumann, chief executive officer of DogTV.
In production, they had to mute colors, alter sound and add music specially written for dogs.
There will be no commercials, no ratings and no reruns, although some might argue that watching a slug crawl is hardly exciting new programming.
One million subscribers with two cable companies have access to DogTV in San Diego. It is doing so well that parent company PTV Media plans to offer it nationally in the next several months, Neumann said”-(Credit: SFGate )
……I don’t know what to say. I literally don’t have words right now. Are people actually buying into this? Like do they think that dogs lives are that much better because they have DogTV playing all day long? I literally can’t comprehend how this is actually like a thing. They said it was designed to keep dogs more relaxed while people are at work…. Your dog’s life is full of stress, is it? You dog can’t quite keep himself entertained throughout the day. can he? Dogs complaining how they can’t relax, are they? That so funny because I have a dog and literally the only thing he does is lay down all fucking day and sleep. That’s all he does! Like literally. What made you think that your dog was having such a horrible time while you were at work? Huh? Did it come up to you say “GEEEEZ Mary I can’t tell you how boring my day was. All I did today was stress out about how I couldn’t chase the cars outside and no matter how hard I barked at the swaying branch it just wouldn’t leave the yard. It’s literally still there! Look at it! It’s still fucking waving at me! Smug son of bitch! Don’t fucking wave at me! I’ll fucking piss on you later. Let me stop you before you say it ‘Why don’t you just watch TV Spot?’ Have you seen the shit that is on during day time television? Vomit in my mouth!....and on the carpet a bit…sorry had some bad kibbles earlier” If I read it correctly the TV network is just shots from a dogs perspective of things they would see if they were, say, on a walk. So pretty much this is stuff your dog could see , oh I don’t know, out the window? Except instead of free it costs you five bucks plus the cost of electricity for leaving your TV on all day….. Seems reasonable for something you already have. What a crock of shit! I’m onto you, Dog TV. I’m onto you.
P.S. No. I’m not a dog hater. I’m just saying dogs have literally survived without DogTV forever. I think they do fine while you’re at work.
Woman Dances On Butter, Calls It Art. The Guy Gets Confused, Pukes All Over Keyboard
“The age-old question of "what is art" is particularly relevant with the clip above. Indonesian performance artist Melati Suryodarmo spends 20 minutes dancing on butter in a piece titled "EXERGIE- Butter dance." Here's the description of this "artful" piece, according to Lilith Studio's YouTube upload:
Melati Suryodarmo (b. in 1969 in Surakarta, Indonesia, lives and works in Braunschweig, Germany) performes EXERGIE- Butter dance, an older piece but shown for the first time at Lilith. 20 blocks of butter in a square on the black dance carpet. Suryodarmo enters the space, dressed in a black tight dress and red high heels. She steps on the pieces of butter. She starts to dance to the sound of indonesian shamanistic drums. She dances and falls, hitting the floor hard, rising, and continuously being on the verge of standing, slipping and falling in the butter. After twenty minutes Suryodarmo rises one last time, covered in butter, and leaves the space.”-(Credit: HuffPost )
I will never understand the art world for the life of me. Is this lady serious? How is dancing around, stepping, and slipping on butter considered art? Really? Are artists serious with this shit or are they just the world’s best bull shitters? I literally trip and fall on stuff EVERDAY! I dance on random things all the time. Whether they be pizza boxes, chairs, cats, newspapers, trash, or butter. Name something and I’ve probably done a little jig on it. I would never in my life call it art. Look at this bitch. She is literally just slipping on butter. How is no one laughing at her? How is she not laughing at herself? Why are people clapping for her? Don’t clap! That’s not art! That’s not even impressive! It’s fucking gross! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS! I wonder if in the back of her mind she is thinking “I can’t believe people are actually giving me money for this.” She has to be. Right? I don’t know. Maybe it requires a higher level of thinking that I am not capable of. Can anyone out there explain the art world to me? Or is The Guy just a lost cause?
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America’s Tallest Man Is A Big Baby
That made Vovkovinkskiy, frankly, mad as halibut.
"It's demeaning being compared to a fish, especially because they used a clip from an earlier story by the station about me that was a meaningful human interest story," Vovkovinskiy told The Huffington Post.
Being compared to a fish is bad enough, but Vovkovinskiy was also angered that the reporter referred to him as "Minnesota's largest man."
"I am America's tallest man," he said proudly. "There are people in Minnesota who are bigger -- and weigh more -- than me."
"I felt used by the second story, but don't want to burn a bridge with the station," he lamented. "I wish that [Hudson] had thought about it or called me to ask if it was ok to compare the fish to me."
"I may be too sensitive, but when they said I was big, it implied that I was fat -- which I'm not," he said.”-(Credit: HuffPost )
This dude needs to get off his high horse. Pun totally intended. What size tampons do people your size need because you seriously need to quit your crying. You’re a big dude of course people are going to compare other big things to you. That comes with the territory. Are you seriously going to complain every time someone compares a big thing to your massive size? Come on bro. If you didn’t want the comparisons maybe not come out and us your size to gain a certain amount of fame. That would be my suggestion. Getting recognized for your size is great when you are getting free shoes out of it but you are going to complain when someone compares you to a fish? Get over yourself dude. You wanna know why they didn’t call you to see if it was okay to compare you to a fish? Because they figured you wouldn’t give a shit. Like normal people. If you are an oddity you are going to be compared to other oddities. It comes with the territory. Being compared to a fish is bad enough, but Vovkovinskiy was also angered that the reporter referred to him as "Minnesota's largest man." "I am America's tallest man," he said proudly. "There are people in Minnesota who are bigger -- and weigh more -- than me." Hate to be the one to break it to you but being the largest man in America also makes you the largest man in Minnesota so that point is extremely dumb. "I may be too sensitive, but when they said I was big, it implied that I was fat -- which I'm not," he said. No it implied that you are big. Which you are. Fucking people man I tell you. Listen bro, take a chill pill. Hate to tell you but you are going to be compared to big things for the rest of your life. Might as well just get used to it because it ain’t stopping anytime soon. You tall motherfucker!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Guys Guide To Fitness
Okay, Okay. Calm down everyone. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked. “Yo The Guy….how do you stay in such good shape?” It’s understandable. I mean as a young adult you try to fall into a healthy routine and stay in shape. We all do it. Some with greater success rates than others. So what I have done is took it upon myself to create for you a nice workout routine that I do to stay in the awesome shape that I’m in. I guess we can go ahead and make this official by calling it The Guys Guide To Fitness. Let’s start shall we?
The best way to stay healthy is to kick off your day the healthy way. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day so you want to make sure you eat your fill. First thing you have to do is order a pizza the night before. Is there anything better than cold pizza? Let it sit in the fridge. Everyone knows that during the cooling process the pizza magically loses all the grease and thus is healthy for you! Wake up grab, a slice or four, and head out the door! I know what some of you may be thinking “Pizza isn’t breakfast food” Yea maybe if you don’t put bacon on it. If it has bacon on it….it’s a breakfast food. “Well doesn’t bacon take away from the health aspect of the pizza?” Yea but you are walking to your car right? Allow me to start off by saying that my workout is based solely off of estimations. So by my estimations you prolly burn the bacon calories off during the walk from your house to your car right? Right? Let’s keep going.
You can burn calories whilst at work too. In fact you probably do it every day without noticing! Simple stuff like stapling, making copies, and typing are a work out in themselves! Do I factor those into my cardio for the day? You bet your left nut I do! It also helps if you tap your foot to whatever music you are playing. You feeling the burn yet? I like to have a light lunch so I can leave room for dinner. I usually have sometime like the other half of a pizza I have left over from breakfast or like a couple dollar menu double cheeseburgers. I know what you are thinking “Where’s the veggies?” Good question. That is why I always have a bag of Lays handy. They are made from potatoes right? I only eat like three handfuls. I am trying to lose weight here. Sacrifices must be made. I wash it down with a Mountain Dew LIGHT! It doesn’t taste as good but what you gonna do? Beach season is upon us.
From the office I walk to my car. BOOM! 500 more calories down the drain! (Estimated) From here I head home to mix up my work out drink. Now I’ll let you in on the secret here. My work out drink is soda. What can I say? It gives me energy. Yes I know soda is high in calories but here’s my trick. I take regular Coke and cut it with Coke Zero. I call it Half Coke. From here I start doing my work out warm up. Other people might call this “getting changed.” But if you take slightly more time and stretch out a bit whilst doing it you can call it a warm up. I hit the exercise bike until I start to sweat. Sweat is God’s way of telling you that your work out if just about done. It’s like a warning sign! That takes about five minutes which is about twice as long as it takes me to walk to my car. So I estimated total calories burned at about 1000. That brings me up to 2000 calories burned for the day. Not bad. After that I slug some Half Coke and head for the other half of my work out. It’s one thing to be skinny. It’s another to be jacked. I know my place. So I hit the free weights. Do a few reverse triceps lifts. Then of course I have to do the curls for the girls! Because ladies love the guns. If I have time, I might do like one or two squat thrusts as well. Estimated caloric loss: upwards of 3000 calories. Which brings the grand total to 5000 calories burned for the day and that’s not including typing! It’s always good to refuel after the gym so I down a couple Snickers to regain my energy. They have peanuts in them. It’s cool.
Dinner is pretty simple…since you are ordering a pizza for breakfast anyway might was well get one for dinner. Don’t hold back on this one though. You’ve burned mad calories today so you’ve earned yourself a treat! Don’t forget the veggies though! Deep fried green beans with ranch sauce should do the trick! “All you eat is pizza?” What? Of course not……Sometimes I get subs….. There you have it! The Guys Guide To Fitness. Listen you are going to gain before you lose. It happens. I’m still in the “gaining phase” myself. Don’t get discourage! Hope this helps!
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The Guy Gets Political: Let’s Talk The 2012 Election
“For the first time, the Mitt Romney campaign is fighting back in the War on Dogs.
The Daily Caller's Jim Treacher posted a blog item Tuesday with an excerpt from President Barack Obama's bestselling memoir "Dreams From My Father," in which Obama writes of eating dog meat when he was a little boy in Indonesia.
With Lolo, I learned how to eat small green chill peppers raw with dinner (plenty of rice), and, away from the dinner table, I was introduced to dog meat (tough), snake meat (tougher), and roasted grasshopper (crunchy). Like many Indonesians, Lolo followed a brand of Islam that could make room for the remnants of more ancient animist and Hindu faiths. He explained that a man took on the powers of whatever he ate: One day soon, he promised, he would bring home a piece of tiger meat for us to share.
Treacher brought out the excerpt as a way of responding to a weird old story that has haunted Romney's presidential ambitions since the Boston Globe first reported it in 2007. The story goes like this: In 1983, Romney strapped the family dog's crate to the roof of the car for a 12-hour drive from Massachusetts to Canada because there was no room in the car. During the trip, the dog, an Irish Setter named Seamus, suffered the "runs," as Ann Romney put it this week. Her husband coolly pulled over to hose off the dog and the car, then kept driving.”-(Credit: HuffPost)
I’m glad to see them finally getting down to the issues. I thought this day would never come! FINALLY some hard hitting election news! Who cares about the state of the economy? Who care about national debt? Who cares about unemployment rates? Who cares about gas prices? Who cares about foreign relations? Who cares about global warming? Who cares about health care? Who cares about public education? Who cares about the war? Who cares about being a world power again? No one. That’s who. What the people care about today is Obama eating dog meat as a kid and Romney strapping a dog to the roof of his car on a family vacation years ago. Let’s face it, these two situations directly correlate to how they will run this country. Right? Where they stand on the issues is not important. I want to know about these dog stories. Is Obama going to make dog a required meal in every American home? Is Romney going to make everyone strap their dogs to the roof of their car in order to transport them anywhere? I need answers to these tough questions. I’m glad they refrained from the mudslinging in order to talk about this highly important story! Why focus on the issues when it is way easier to just go find something from someone’s past and turn it into a commercial? So if you know nothing else about the election….think about this….who would you rather vote for? A dog eater or someone who treats their dog like shit? Focusing on the issues my friends. Focusing on the issues.
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