IMPORTANT KYGUY NEWS: EVERYONE PLEASE READ(potentially NSFW?)
Important news. Please read. News Story after the jump (potentially NSFW?)
nav
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Guy Reviews Your Beer: Flensburger Dunkel
"Spleeten splaatan splooten spleeten, spleeten splaatan spleeten splooo.......Its a German drinking song, we sing it all night long, and when we don't know what to do we Spleeten Splattan spleeten splooo" Yeah, you guess it, this is a song, and if you have half a brain, you know that today The Guy is taking you to Germany. The reason you ask? To understand one of the less popular beers here in the US: the German Dunkel. And The Guy chose to review the Flensburger Dunkel (Pronounced Flensverger Dunkel), well frankly because of the name. The Flensburger Dunkel is defined as a dark beer with the scent of toasted marshmallows and caramel. When you drink the beer it has a buttery quality and a dry finish. But what is good about this beer, and what The Guy has always been fond of is the budlight coined term: the drinkabilty. Unlike most dark beers, you will have no problem taking down a bunch of these to help you on your quest of getting burgered off of this Flensburger. Coincidentally you'll have to drink a bunch b/c the ABV is sitting at about 4.8%. All in all The Guy likes this beer, the first beer The Guy produced was a Dunkel so a little bit of Germany is near and dear to his heart, also this beer in particular has a cool bottle. But don't take The Guys word on it, go out and try one!
Read more...
Is This Not The Worst Commercial Going Right Now?
(If you have trouble seeing this video I got it Here)
So I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while but is this not the worst commercial you have ever seen? Just a little boy saying how much he loves staying with his grandpa and how someday he was going to own a house like that. Sweet scene right? Yea until his asshole grandpa just completely crushes his fucking dreams. Sorry kid you ain’t going to own shit! “I can’t wait to own a house like this when I grow old HAHA Isn’t life grand?!” “Fat chance kid. Economy sucks. You’ll be lucky to own an apartment when your older” Kids like five years old…can’t fucking humor him? Can’t be like “Yea buddy. I’m sure you will”? Nope gotta go right for the throat. “Dreams are nice but the reality is you probably won’t! Time to grow the fuck up kid….times are tough. Life isn’t fair. You can’t just go around buying houses. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula….Do you even know how the real world works? Quit talking out of your ass. You’re coming across like a real fucking moron. You know that?…Now let’s see that finger painting you made for me…..yikes…that sucks too. You shoulda been aborted” That took a drastic turn real quick.
Then again maybe this kid deserves to have his “dreams” crushed. What kind of child dreams about owning a house like his grandpas when he’s older? Shitty dream if you ask me. I could see if it was like a killer mansion but this dude’s house isn’t anything that impressive. When I was a kid I was like “I’m gonna be an astronaut and live in space and eat astronaut popcorn and watch Carrot Top movies like Chairman of the Board!” Yea I didn’t have many friends but that’s beside the point. My point is no kid his age should dream of owning his grandparents’ home. Go big or go home bro. You should want to live in a mansion….or in a spaceship…..or in Narnia….not your grandparent’s house. That shit is for the birds. Way to shoot for the stars kid. Grandpa sucks. Kid sucks. Commercial sucks. Yo National Association of Realtors…nice try but just a big swing and a miss.
P.S. Odds are when that old miserable bastard dies…Kid is going to get that exact house! Talking about living out your dream! AMERICA!
Star Of TLC Show Says She’s Not Famous Because She’s Black, Is Actually Not Famous Because She Is The Star Of A TLC Show
“Niecy Nash's TLC wedding special raked in nearly 5 million viewers, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that the network gave the comedian her own show, "Leave It to Niecy." Although she is enjoying her new reality TV-found fame, she tells me she doesn't have to worry about becoming as famous as the Kardashians for one simple reason: She's black.
"The truth is black celebrities are not as sought after in the press as white celebrities, and that is comforting," Niecy says. "As a black celebrity, if we go out to a hot spot, you know there are going to be paparazzi there, but we aren't the girl who someone is jumping out behind your trash [for] when we get home. So it's nice to be able to live your dream and not be overwhelmed by what can be a downside of the business."’-(Credit: HuffPost )
"The truth is black celebrities are not as sought after in the press as white celebrities, and that is comforting," Niecy says. "As a black celebrity, if we go out to a hot spot, you know there are going to be paparazzi there, but we aren't the girl who someone is jumping out behind your trash [for] when we get home. So it's nice to be able to live your dream and not be overwhelmed by what can be a downside of the business."’-(Credit: HuffPost )
Niecy, Niecy, Niecy. Come on. Let’s get real here. Let’s not get all racist with this one. You are not sought after in the press because no one really knows who you are and no one really cares who you are. Let’s be honest here. There are plenty of black people in the tabloids. No need to play the race card. Before I continue on with this one I’d like to note that I’m not racist at all. I’ve seen at least three Martin Lawrence movies. All the way through. That’s a feat within itself .You want to know why you are not in the press and Kim Kardashian is? It’s because no one cares about you. Your show is on TLC. You know who watches TLC? Old women. Having the most popular show on TLC is like having the world record for stacking cups. Yea it exists but does anyone really care? You know what your most famous credit is? Reno 911. Decent show but nothing to go braggin about. Tom Lennon, the star of that show, doesn’t even get paparazzi to follow him and he is 100% funnier than you….and he’s white. I think you are off base a bit with reality. The reason paparazzi don’t care about you isn’t because you’re black. The paparazzi don’t care about you because you’re Niecy Nash. You’re not interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that as an insult. You’re a mother, you don’t do anything crazy, you don’t make sex tapes, you don’t say obscene political statements, and you aren’t a drug addict. Those are all reasons the press doesn’t flock to you. No one wants to read an article titled “Niecy Nash gets a salad at Applebees, tips the waiter 25%” That’s not what the people want to see. They want to read “Kim Kardashian gets railed by the entire roster of the New York Knicks…Twice!”. The Press doesn’t follow you because you’re uninteresting and you have a show on TLC. Okay? That’s why. There’s no shame in it. Oh and also because you’re black….Yup….because you’re black.
Read more...
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I’m Obsessed And A Half With Jennifer Lawrence
I think it’s safe to say that Jennifer Lawrence is my new obsession. Something about this chick really revs my engines. Before I continue this blog I would like to note that I have not seen The Hunger Games yet but she was pretty rocking in X-Men: First Class. She is all over my TV as of late promoting the shit out of this Hunger Games movie. Just everywhere I turn she is up in my grill piece and I ain’t complaining. This chick just exudes sex in every form of the word. She’s hot, she’s talented, and she seems totally cool. Like I’ve seen interviews with her and all she does is put herself down. GREAT! One less thing that I have to do! Then I was reading this article on HuffPost and she just walks into Woody Harrelson’s dressing room talking about sex swings….. keep in mind this is the first time she meets him! Can you imagine just walking into Woody Harrelson’s dressing room and the first thing you say is “Yea so anyway…sex swings..”? Shit’s crazy. There’s another story about how she just gets naked around Lenny Kravitz’s daughter (who is also hot in her own right) like it aint no thang! (Calm down… old Lenny’s daughter is of age….perverts) Did I mention she’s pretty fucking hot and she like either doesn’t know it or won’t admit it. Like there are other attractive girls in Hollywood but they all act like they know. This chick doesn’t. For some reason that drives me crazy. I don’t know what to do. I’m head over heels in love with this girl. I’m obsessed with her and it doesn’t show signs of stopping…..well not until Emma Watson’s next movie comes out…Emma I have promised my heart to you but Jennifer might be edging you out right now. After all she is rocking a see through shirt on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine…..so there’s that.
Read more...
Our Facebook Page Is Changing Tomorrow
Yo so just a heads up, tomorrow Facebook is changing the format of our Facebook Page. They are changing it from the simple layout they have now to push their stupid timeline agenda! You can’t force your timeline on me Facebook! Well actually they can and they are. I’m not too thrilled about it because I think the timelines are stupid but who am I to judge what is cool? My two favorite things are Pokémon (Blue NOT RED) and salsa. I’m jabbering on again. Just know tomorrow the Facebook page will look like a timeline. Woopdie fucking doo. Bird.
What The Guy Would Do With Half A Billion Dollars
What would you do with half a billion dollars? That is what everyone is thinking right now. Including The Guy! Mega Millions is getting crazy and the money is adding up! We all want a piece of that cash but what would you do with it? Too bad I don’t care what you would do with it because it’s my blog therefor it is all about me. What could I do with all that money? Buy houses! Buy cars! Pay off all my debt! Finally have enough financial backing to launch KyGuy into the main media! I’m talking movies, TV shows, action figures, books, park benches! You name it, The Guy would be there! I mean investing in your future is fun but I think I know a better way to spend this money. “Here we go. You’re gonna spend it all in one day buying something ridiculous and uncalled for. Like buying JTs wardrobe or getting a life sized statue of John Candy from the movie Who's Harry Crumb?” Really voice in my head? A Harry Crumb reference? I’m not going to lie. I’m impressed. Anyway. I wouldn’t be so stupid to buy those things…… (as I write them down on my list “Things to buy with my Mega Millions money”) No, I would do something much more worthwhile. Pay money to watch my friends fight to the death!
That’s right bitches. Straight up Hunger Game style. I would select 24ish of my friends at random and promise them a piece of that cash! And when I say random I mean totally not random. I would pick and choose to see who would put on the best show. Select some strong ones. Some weak ones. Some smart ones. Some dumb ones. Some with hearts. Some cold, heartless people. Maybe some people in the same family? Who knows! Just gotta get a good mix in there and watch it all unfold! I would of course secretly tell the weakest one where all the best hiding spots are. Everyone likes an underdog right? And then unleashed them on each other and watch all hell break loose! There is tons of money out there! Of course there will have to be a certain arena for all this to unfold right? Here’s the twist. My arena would be a McDonalds play place located in Disney Land! “Why” Why the fuck not?! Where is the last place you would expect a blood bath of friends killing friends to take place? Ummmm A McDonalds located in the happiest place on earth obviously. Don’t think this would work? The mere mention of this has sent all my friends into a tizzy on twitter! “You’re sick!” Sick? Genius? I don’t know. I think they both go hand in hand. Don’t you?
Read more...
Lady Suing McDonalds For Forcing Her To Become A Prostitute. Makes Sense.
“Shelley Lynn, a former prostitute and employee of the Las Vegas Chicken Ranch brothel, has claimed in a federal court complaint that McDonald's played a role in her becoming a sex worker, the Consumerist reports.
Lynn is suing McDonald's along with her ex-husband and his company Ivernia, which owned the local McDonald's franchise where Lynn was employed as a cashier 20 years ago, according to the complaint obtained by Courthouse News Service.
Handley "emotionally and psychologically" coerced Lynn into prostitution in part because McDonald's paid her minimum wage, offered a poor health care plans and no benefits and had no system for filing grievances against employers who abused their power, according to the complaint. All of these factors allowed Handley, her employer when the two began dating, to unjustly terminate her employment and -browbeat her into sex work, Lynn claims”-(Credit: HuffPost )
Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. This woman worked for McDonalds, got fired, and is now suing them because her getting fired forced her into becoming a prostitute? Classic prostitute move right there. Always trying to fuck someone for more money than they are worth. Really? Sorry that minimum wage job at McDonalds didn’t have the benefits package you were looking for Mrs. Prostitute. That minimum wage job as a cashier and McDonalds didn’t offer you a benefits package? Wow. I’m really surprised. I wonder why…. Why would a job as a cashier at McDonalds that pays minimum wage offer you no benefits?….Maybe because it’s a job at fucking McDonalds. Now I’m not trashing anyone who works at McDonalds but really? Why would you expect good health care plans and benefits from a cashiering job at McDonalds? Come on lady. Your lawsuit has so many flaws. For one thing you knew what you were getting when you started working there. It’s not like they were like “Okay so when you sign on for this job as cashier at McDonalds we offer a full benefits package, an amazing health care plan, and an awesome 401 K. Don’t let the term minimum wage fool you!” and then when you started working they just took it away from you. That’s not how it works. You knew there were no benefits involved. So what did you do? You started fucking your boss. That’s what everyone does to get ahead at work right? You fucked your boss to get ahead at McDonalds (that line cook job did just open up right?) Then when that went sour you got fired for being the horrible employee you are and so you turned to prostitution. Did I get that right? Assuming I did, I’m missing the part where McDonalds forced you to become a prostitute….Seems like it’s all your own fault. Classic prostitutes man. I tell ya! Though that does leave me with an amazing idea. Drive through prostitution service that serves McDonalds…. Quickly to the thinking cave!
Like TheGuy on facebook and follow KyGuyInc on twitter
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Does Joan Rivers Scare Anyone Else?
So earlier I did a post about Aliens coming to America before France. That was a no brainer. Like obviously they would come here first right? Well it might be sooner than we think. I think aliens may already be here and are working for E!. No I’m not talking about Seacreast though I have my doubts about him. I’m talking about Joan Rivers. Have you seen her lately? Her face scares the shit out of me. There is no way you can tell me that isn’t 100 % plastic! She has to be an alien right? She has to be. Sure you can say plastic surgery but I know the truth. Joan Rivers is an alien. Look at her! Well I should be more specific. I think she is a human robot set up by the aliens to see how well they could do it. They are using her to study human life. Compare and contrast Joan Rivers of the 80’s with Joan Rivers of today. Frightening I know. You think that’s all from plastic surgery? PAH! You know when they try and revamp something? Whether it be a toy, or a video game, or a car. They change it ever so slightly so you can tell what it’s meant to be but it still looks different. I think that is what they are doing with Joan Rivers. Updating her graphics if you will. Little bits at a time until we have what we got today. A walking, talking, clay-mation figure of Joan Rivers. It’s frightening really. She is just frightening. If the aliens are trying to scare us it’s working. Joan Rivers has a face that launched 1000 nightmare. Makes me shudder just looking at it. EW.
P.S. She can’t possibly think she looks good right? You think she gives herself nightmares? Gross.
Read more...
Aliens Are Coming To America First....Right?
The Independent reports the growing flock, who locals refer to as "esoterics," believe the world will come to an end on December 21st, 2012. They also reportedly believe that the unique mountain is in fact home to a race of alien beings that will emerge to rescue the gathered humans and transport them to a new civilization.”-(Credit: Yahoo )
Nice try Frenchies. You may think you found where the aliens are going to come but maybe you haven’t heard the news. I got two words for you. UFO Phil. Ever hear of him? Yea I wrote about him a few weeks ago. He is going to be the president of the world. He has secret scrolls that make him Earth’s representative to the aliens. Why would they pick the French when they can have someone from the U.S. of A motherfuckers? So you can take your “upside down” mountain and shove it where the sun don’t shine because if you think I’m going to leave UFO Phil’s side to camp out at a mountain for a few months then you have another thing coming! UFO Phil is our salvation not some French mountain. You got it? Besides, even if the aliens are staying there, and they do emerge from the mountain on Dec 21….what makes you think they are going to save you? Just because you chill outside their house you think they are gonna be like “Hop in. Let’s go for a ride”? I don’t think so. If someone was hanging outside my house for months on end I’d be a bit freaked out. I don’t know what I would do. I might call the police. I might yell at them. I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t offer them a ride anywhere. I imagine the aliens are chilling inside that mountain, playing Halo, when one goes….”Why are there hundreds of humans outside?” “I don’t know but its creeping me out” “Hmm strange. I don’t know what they want” “I don’t know but is it safe to say that we all agree that they are the first ones to die?” “Yea I’d say so….fucking humans….weird group of creatures aren’t they?.....HEY! It’s my turn! You can’t take two turns! You just died! Mom! MOOOOOM!” Yea….even aliens fight over X-box controllers….In an unrelated realization….I think this blog clearly lays out why I’m still single….
Like TheGuy on facebook and follow KyGuyInc on twitter
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Is Flossing Overrated?
So some of you may or may not know that The Guy hit up the dentist today for the first time in like 2 years. I went because my dad was telling me I better go because my teeth are gonna fall out of my head blah blah blah. So The Guy got a little worried and called up the dentist and was like “Yo clean these mothafuckas! You can’t eat without teeth and a man’s gotta eat! Ya feel me?” He felt me (not literally) and was like “Yo get yo ass in here next week brochacho” So bing bang boom Barros I hit the dentist like it aint no thang. I rolled up and I was fully expecting the whole “Your teeth look like shit. You need to brush better.” and of course the typical “You really need to floss more”. I was expecting them to look at my gross teeth and just start instantly throwing up at the unsightly mess that I call my chompers. To make a short story shorter. None of this happened. Well not really. They said my teeth look great! She said that I was her easiest patient of the day! Even though that didn’t stop her from charging me an arm and leg, I was feeling good. I think her exact words were “Your teeth are beautiful! You do a good job taking care of them” What can I say? I brush morning and night like a good doobie. In fact her only critique was I brush too hard. Brush too hard? That’s like saying you are trying too hard. No such thing. Go big or go home.
Anyway to get to the main point of this blog….she happened to mention that I had very little plague. Keep in mind I haven’t been there for a cleaning in two years and I never floss. So my point is….is flossing overrated? Everyone bitches and moans about flossing and I never floss and my teeth are better than Gary Buseys. “Flossing will save your life. You need to floss or you will catch on fire and die a slow and painful death” Like dentists go on and on about flossing but looks like I don’t need to do it? Are some people different than others? Do some people need to floss and gifted people ,such as myself, don’t? Did I just get lucky? This is what I’m thinking. I’m thinking flossing is just a conspiracy created by dentists to get more money out of people. Yea. I said it. I think every dentist gets a cut of that ill floss money. Prove me wrong? How can you prove there isn’t a corrupt underground dental floss world? You can’t because dentists kill anyone who finds out. Shit. I may be next. Better get to hiding before they find me. What do you guys think? Do you thinking flossing is for the birds or am I a damn dental oddity? Holla.
Like TheGuy on facebook and follow KyGuyInc on twitter
How Did I Not Get Invited To Batmobile Street Racing?
“It's the stuff nerds' dreams are made of - two batmobiles going head-to-head in a drag race. And no, before you ask, they didn't get ahold of Christopher Nolan's Tumbler, just the 1960s and Burton editions.
Created by the Machinima network's 'Bat In The Sun' channel, it's an unashamedly geeky couple of minutes, hosted by a nerd-friendly red-haired host who eventually - as you'll see in the extended version below - strips down to her underwear and starts washing one of the cars with a sponge and a bucket of soapy water.”-(Credit: HuffPost )
Ummm How did I not know about this? “Was I supposed to tell you about this? I don’t remember you mentioning interest in batmobile street racing…” Haha Doesn’t remember me mentioning interest in batmobile street racing he says. Didn’t know he was supposed to tell me he says! I shouldn’t have to mention interest in batmobile street racing….YOU SHOULD JUST FUCKING KNOW! WHENEVER THERE IS SOMETHING INCREDIBLY COOL AND NERDY I SHOULD BE THE FIRST TO KNOW! This is including but not limited to real life Pokémon, gremlins, blue ketchup, Ted Danson’s crazy antics, Animaniacs reunions, Top Gun-esk Volley Ball games, intensely nerdy games of trivia, salsa wrestling matches, Dinosaur fighting, need I go on? “You might need to go on because most of those things are completely unrelated and utterly random….none of them are particularly funny either” My point is….I need a new job. These nerds get to race batmobiles and watch semi-attractive red haired girls wash them down after? What do I get? To look at the same three sites looking for stupid shit to write about while people walk into my office and annoy me with “real work” all day long? How is that fair? HUH? HOW IS THAT FAIR?
Like TheGuy on facebook and follow KyGuyInc on twitter
Monday, March 26, 2012
Let’s Help Fake Physic Surgeons Exploit The Public!
“ABADIANIA, Brazil — John of God grabs what looks like a kitchen knife from a silver tray and appears to scrape it over the right eye of a believer.
The "psychic surgeon" then wipes a viscous substance from the blade onto the patient's shirt.
The procedure is repeated on the left eye of Juan Carlos Arguelles, who recently traveled thousands of miles from Colombia to see the healer.
For 12 years, Arguelles says, he suffered from keratoconus, which thinned his cornea and severely blurred his vision.
John of God is Joao Teixeira de Faria, a 69-year-old miracle man and medium to those who believe. He's a dangerous hoax to those who do not.
For five decades he's performed "psychic" medical procedures like that for Arguelles. He asks for no money in exchange for the procedures. Donations are welcomed, however.”-(Credit: HuffPost )
What’s this guy’s deal? You claim to be a physic surgeon but you don’t accept money for healing people? What kinda crook are you? You can’t just say you have magical powers if you don’t accept money for it. That’s just wrong. That’s just immoral! What’s wrong with you? If you are going to be a fake surgeon you might as well make an ass-load of money off of it. People would pay top dollar for someone who can “heal” them without having to cut them to do so. That’s just how it works. Do you want to be called crazy without being rich? You can be a fake physic surgeon and be rich or you can be a crazy guy with a knife and poor. You can’t mix and match. There aren’t crazy rich guys with knives and there aren’t poor fake physic surgeons. That’s not how it works. You need proper representation. Luckily for you I know how to take non-talent and craziness and turn it into a multibillion dollar empire. “Then why haven’t you done it yet? Huh?” Umm because I don’t live in a third world country that’s why. Here is what we will do. I will bring you to America. We will set up a stage. I will stumble up on stage and have a fake asthma attack. You throw weird stuff on me, say a bunch of foreign words, and go all trancey on everyone. I will then stand up and say “My asthma is completely gone! Thank you REAL physic surgeon!” Then people will start throwing money at you, saying stuff like “Fix my limp” “Fix my clef-lip” “Fix my herpes”. Think of all the money we can make! Millions! Billions even! So what do you say? You wanna jump on board team Ky Guy or do you want to miss out? Holla at me.
Like TheGuy on facebook and follow KyGuyInc on twitter
The Guy Talks Committing To Your Craft
Hours before an appointment on Monday for the labor office to check on his health, the 56-year-old man held his left leg against an electric saw in his home workshop and severed his foot just above the ankle, Austrian broadcaster ORF reported.-(Credit: Reuters )
Wow. Just wow. The Guy has done some pretty extreme things to get out of work but this is just revolutionizing the game. You may recall my Guide to calling in sick I put out a few months ago but this is something else. This is really committing to the craft! Don’t want to go to work? Cut your foot off. No use pussyfooting (oops?) around it. If you’re gonna do something might as well do it right. Right? I mean sure you could call in sick but how long can a sickness last? A few days? Maybe a week tops? Once you cut off your foot, it’s gone for life. There’s no recovering from that. Genius! Bravo! Encore! Encore! This is how it’s done ladies and gentlemen! Why are you all sitting down?! Give this man a standing ovation! Get on your feet…..too soon? I’m sorry I’m just running wild right now…..oops. I bet he jumped for joy when he figured out this plan….shit. I’m really not good at this sensitivity stuff. Listen my point is this. Yea he cut his foot off. Yea he got caught doing it. But at least he’s trying. He’s out there trying to revolutionize the game. He is willing to cut off his foot just to see if it would work. He is out there doing the hard stuff so you don’t have to. How else would we know that cutting off your foot is a piss poor way of getting out of work? Common sense? PAH I say! PAH! Who needs common sense when you have unemployed Austrian men cutting off their feet just so you, THE HARDWORKING PEOPLE OF THE U.S.A, don’t have to? You can call this man dumb. You can call this man lazy. You know what I call him though? A visionary….and a Ky Guy! Thank you sir for your work in the getting out of work field. Misplaced U.S.A chant anyone? U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!
Read more...
Getting Eaten: The Ultimate Disrespect
“Serbian gangsters allegedly beat a traitorous associate to death with a hammer before cooking and eating his remains in Spain, police said.
Members of the Zemun Clan -- which was behind the assassination of Serbian prime minister Zoran Djindjic in 2003 -- dined on the remains of Milan Jurisic, 37, after he stole from the group, according to Sky News.
After Jurisic was beaten to death, his enemies flayed him with a sharp knife and put his flesh through a meat grinder in Madrid, the Daily Mail said.They threw his bones in the River Manzanares”- (Credit: HuffPost )
I’m not one to insult the dead or anything but if there ever was a way to send a message this is it. Most mafioso will just kill a body and dump it in an unmarked grave, cement foundation, or river somewhere. This group went above and beyond that and straight up ate someone that double crossed them. That is the way to do business! You think people are afraid of death? Nope. People are afraid of getting fucking eaten. That’s a fact. Hey I’ll let you kill me but please don’t eat me. Ya dig? “Yo man I don’t think you should double cross those Serbian gangsters” “What’s the worst they are going to do? Kill me? I’m not afraid of dying! That’s why I’m in this business!” “No Bro they are going to straight up fucking eat your ass…..and the rest of your body! With a side of potatoes!” “I don’t want to be eaten! I don’t even like potatoes! That is the ultimate disrespect” It really is the ultimate disrespect to eat someone. “How do you figure? I mean either way they end of dead. It’s not like these people are being eaten alive” No, you’re right but think about it. What happens when you are buried in an unmarked grave? Your body eventually breaks down and you become soil for flowers or plants to grow! What happens when you get put into a cement foundation? You add extra strength to help that building stand! What happens when you get eaten? You get digested and eventually leave the body as shit! You want to spend the rest of your existence as shit? Didn’t think so. Fuck. Don’t fuck with these Serbians because they are playing for fucking keeps. Yikes.
Read more...
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Guy Rates Your Beer: Sapporo Premium Lager
As the KyGuy faithful know, some of The Guys best memories were from times when he was in college: Playing drinking games, smuggling beers into the dorm room past the RA, going to house parties and doing keg stands, crying in my room alone late at night. And all of these memories are usually associated with beer names like: Keystone Light; Natty Light; and if we won a game of Texas Hold'em, Bud Light. But one of the memories that hangs in there with the rest was going to cheap Japanese restaurants and slamming down Sake Bombs.
For those of you unfamiliar with a Sake Bomb, go Google it. This blog post is about the beer that is used in a Sake Bomb: Sapporo Premium Lager. This beer originates from the "land of the rising sun" and is categorized as a Japanese Rice Lager. It is a light, neutral tasting beer which helps fight off spicy Japanese dishes and is usually drank with some sort of seafood. It’s a beers beer for someone who isn't a beer tasting expert but who enjoys a light, slightly dry larger. It also has a 5% abv so after a few of these you're sure to get a buzz. The Guy isn't a huge fan of this beer as it doesn't bring much taste, but the good thing about it is the drinkability. If you're planning on doing Sake Bombs this beer is a must. But don't take The Guys word, go try one yourself!
Read more...
The Guy Shares His Thoughts On Angry Birds
Okay so I know I’m late to the whole iPhone game and I’m way late to the whole “Angry Birds” game as well (I don’t care if people still like it or not) but I don’t know what the big deal about this game is. “Oh great another words with friends rant” Voice inside my head did you just embed a link to my post in your quote? Anyway….like I was saying. I got the game and I played a couple levels of it and it kind of sucks. And by kind of sucks I mean it really sucks. I mean it doesn’t even make sense. You fire birds at pigs and they explode? Okay? I literally don’t get it. Why are the pigs green? Who built such flimsy structures? Like a small bird should not be able to knock over a building. No matter how fast they are going. No matter how angry they really are. Why are these birds so angry anyway? I mean they are angry enough to go on a kamikaze mission in order to blow up some pigs. Pigs ,who I might add, are trapped in buildings that they aren’t capable of escaping. The pigs literally can’t move. They don’t have legs. So odds are, if you leave them alone long enough, they will die a more slow and painful death. You know? Wouldn’t that be more satisfying than them blowing up?! I mean if anyone should be angry it’s the pigs. They are just sitting there and then all of a sudden a fucking robin flies in their window and blows them up. That’s annoying.
Let’s just say the pigs are capable of moving. Let’s just say you’re a pig and you’re chilling there. All of a sudden a bird comes in and blows up fucking Larry sitting right next to you. Why wouldn’t you try and escape? Why wouldn’t you say “Oh shit! Larry’s dead. Birds be blowing up all my friends. I’m getting the fuck out of here right fucking now”? No they just chill there and say “Larry’s dead? There must be two sides to this story….I’m gonna let it play out”. You have kamikaze birds flying at you, blowing themselves up, killing your friends, and you’re just gonna sit there? The worst part is, after all the pigs are dead, all the other birds celebrate! What are you celebrating for?! A whole group of your friends just died?! For what? Killing a bunch of pigs?! Were the pigs that bad to you? You’re birds for crying out loud! Just fly the fuck away! Seriously! FUCK!...wait a minute….suicide bombing birds….celebrating after a mission is complete….I think a name change is in order….maybe change it from “Angry Birds” to “Terrorist Birds”…..Hey someone had to say it….Just saying
P.S. I don’t want to hear “They explain everything at the start of the game!”…Fucking nerds.
P.P.S. I'm ranking this blog as one of my best in a while. Can't rate my own blogs? Don't give a fuck. Come at me bro.
P.P.S. I'm ranking this blog as one of my best in a while. Can't rate my own blogs? Don't give a fuck. Come at me bro.
Read more...
That’s A Big-Ass Snake!
Well, not quite. But a scientifically realistic, life-sized model of the long-extinct serpent has taken up residence in New York City' Grand Central Terminal. The model represents a 48-foot titanoboa that would have weighed a ton and a half, according to a written statement issued by the Smithsonian Channel.”-(Credit: HuffPost )
There are few things The Guy hates in this world. Bees, spiders, women’s rights, and snakes. You can’t trust a snake. Always slithering around like they own the place. Either eating you or infecting you with poison. They never help you. All they do is kill. You let them live in your woods , rent free I may add, and next thing you know they are eating your pets! “Come on The Guy. There are no snakes big enough to eat your pets around here” Whatever dude. If you love snakes so much why don’t you marry one?! BURN! “That wasn’t funny….” Anyway my point is I don’t trust snakes no matter how big or small they may be. I don’t trust garter snakes let alone a fucking Titanoboa. Look at that fucker! 48 feet? 48 FEET?! Hide ya kids Hide ya wife! Thing is frightening. Look at that bad boy. He eats fucking crocodiles. We are talking prehistoric crocodiles. Those things are big fuckers as well! You think this thing would hesitate to eat you? Not a chance in hell. He would eat you and then come back for seconds. “How could he come back for seconds of you if he has already eaten you?” Fuck off. My point is this thing would eat a human as a snack. Good thing they are all fucking dead because if I ever saw one of these things I would prolly piss and shit my pants and then die out of shock. That’s not a good look on anyone if you know what I mean. Just looking at the pictures of the model they made are going to give me nightmares tonight. Yikes. Snakes man. I tell ya. Shady ass fucking animals.
Like TheGuy on facebook and follow KyGuyInc on twitter
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Adam Levine From Maroon 5 In Talks To Join American Horror Story
“From frontman of a band, to reality show star, to the best new show of 2011. Nice work if you can get it! Yes, word is that Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine, now arguably equally famous through his work on NBC’s The Voice, is in negotiations to be cast in the next iteration of American Horror Story.”-(Credit: Scifimafia )
This story broke a couple days ago and I’ve been meaning to discuss it. Many of you may or may not know that The Guy was a huge AHS fan this past season. Saying the show was phenomenal is an understatement. Awesome cast. Killer story lines. Twists and turns left and fucking right. Show was just off the charts. My favorite new show of last year hands down. This season they are switching it up a bit I guess. I wasn’t thrilled to hear that they are going to try to change up the story completely. They are giving all the actors new characters. They are getting rid of some of the actors. Whatever. Got to stay fresh right? This Adam Levine decision is kinda making me doubt the show a bit. Adam Levine? Homie’s a singer. Not an actor. Hey maybe he has some chops. He wouldn’t be the first singer turned actor (JT for example….but what can’t that guy do? Am I right?!) but I don’t know. I saw him on an episode of 30 Rock and I mean I wasn’t blown away with his portrayal. You know what I mean. His performance wasn’t believable. Who did he play on 30 Rock you ask? Himself. Yea I know he only had one line but I don’t know. Just wasn’t working for me. Hey I wouldn’t have cast him but what do I know? Who knows, guy could be good. I mean he must have had a killer audition. There has to be a reason the producers of the show are popping boners for him besides his chiseled features. We know the ladies panties drop whenever he walks by so I guess it could work. Might not be too bad. Just got to wait and see. Either way I will be watching. This show is the tits. Can’t wait for the next season! Believe it! The Guy has spoken!
Read more...
Casey Anthony To Be Baptized. Will Probably Burst Into Flames
“Casey Anthony says she wants to see her daughter Caylee one day, so she wants to get baptized. The mother who was acquitted of murdering her two-year-old daughter wants a new beginning.”-(Credit: Aol )
I’m not a huge wealth of knowledge when it comes to religion but I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. You can’t just murder someone, get away with it, decide to get baptized, and go to heaven. Like that’s just not gonna work. You can’t just decide “Welp….prolly going to hell but maybe if I get baptized…..” You murdered your child. You are going to hell. No amount of holy water is going to fix that. In fact I’m assuming it will probably just burn your flesh. Either that or she will burst into flames. This might be crazy but do you think she will just melt? You know like the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz. I don’t know. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. “The Guy she is probably just doing this to make headlines” Well yea duh but since when has that stopped me from insulting some one? If I didn’t make fun of people who do stuff just to get headlines then I wouldn’t have like anything to write about. I mean come on. I do about 3 blogs about the Kardashian’s a month…why you gotta come at me for insulting a baby killer? She’s just loving her celebrity status. Does she even know why she is famous? Yo Casey you are famous for murdering your child. That’s not a good look. Can’t you just fade into nothingness already? On any account….this whole story is laughable. If I said it once…I’ve said it a thousand times….bitches be crazy….and this bitch proves it every time she opens her mouth. America eh?
Like TheGuy on facebook and follow KyGuyInc on twitter
Read more...
The Guy Links Scott Baio And Abraham Lincoln
I don’t know why I do this to myself but I always do. Yahoo had an article that was titled something along the lines of “Can you believe they are 50?!”. It was about stars that are “shockingly” 50 years old or older. This prestigious lists had the likes of Bon Jovi, Sharon Stone, Madonna, Oprah, and Scott Baio (among others). Well you got me there. I really did not know they were 50! I could have sworn at least half of them were a lot older. In fact some of them are so old I didn’t even know who they were and when they were relevant. Madonna is only in her 50’s? She looks like she died like 10 years ago. Seriously. She was popular in the 80’s I’m not even close to being surprised she is 50. Same goes for Bon Jovi. If you were to ask me how old I thought Bon Jovi was I would instantly reply “65…wait no….66” Dudes old. Oprah is on your list? Really? Who is surprised that Oprah is 50? No one. No one at all. Well you did get me with one person who I could not believe was 50. Scott Baio. I had no idea he was even still alive. What is he famous for anyway? Charles in Charge? I could have sworn he was 50 when he was filming that show. When did that even come out? Like 100 years ago at least. I might be off on the time scale but my point is these (former) stars are old as fuck and everyone knows it. You can’t just go making stupid lists like this and expect people to be surprised. Who gave you the idea for this list? Really? You can’t just go around listing stars from the 80’s and say “can you believe they are 50?” because people can easily believe they are 50 years old. I can’t wait for next week’s list. “Can you believe these former presidents are dead?!: Abe Lincoln might look fresh in his pictures but this former president was shot in the head in 1865 and has been dead ever since! But don’t think that’s slowing him down from staying buried in the ground. He’s been in the same resting spot since his funeral!” Classic Yahoo.
Read more...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)