KY GUY BREAKING NEWS ALERT: RICH PEOPLE LIE AND CHEAT

 

“Maybe, as the novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald suggested, the rich really are different. They're more likely to behave badly, according to seven experiments that weighed the ethics of hundreds of people.

The "upper class," as defined by the study, were more likely to break the law while driving, take candy from children, lie in negotiation, cheat to increase their odds of winning a prize and endorse unethical behavior at work, researchers reported today in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Taken together, the experiments suggest at least some wealthier people "perceive greed as positive and beneficial," probably as a result of education, personal independence and the resources they have to deal with potentially negative consequences, the authors wrote.

While the tests measured only "minor infractions," that factor made the results, "even more surprising," said Paul Piff, a Ph.D. candidate in psychology at the University of California , Berkeley, and a study author.

One experiment invited 195 adults recruited using Craigslist to play a game in which a computer "rolled dice" for a chance to win a $50 gift certificate. The numbers each participant rolled were the same; anyone self reporting a total higher than 12 was lying about their score. Those in wealthier classes were found to be more likely to fib, Piff said.

"A $50 prize is a measly sum to people who make $250,000 a year," he said. "So why are they more inclined to cheat? For a person with lower socioeconomic status, that $50 would get you more, and the risks are small." “-(Credit: Yahoo )

                 And the biggest non-news story of the year goes to…..YAHOO NEWS! Congrats! Thank God for your groundbreaking journalism because without it I wouldn’t know rich people are greedier than poor people. Rich people are more likely to lie and cheat? Ummm Yea no fucking shit. Any idiot could tell you that. That is why they are rich. Rich people lie and cheat their way to the top. Haven’t you ever seen Wall Street? Michael Douglas just straight up lying and cheating for days. Rich people lie and cheat. That’s just a fact that doesn’t need a study to be validated. That is how the world works. Everyone knows that. Don’t get me wrong. I ain’t knocking them. That’s how you play the game. You have to screw someone over to get to the top. Whether it’s telling your boss your co-worker is a druggie in order to get a promotion or lying about a dice game to a scientist in order to get $50. It’s all the same. You can’t be a nice guy and make it in the business world. It’s a sad truth but it certainly isn’t news. There is nothing new about rich people lying and cheating. It’s been that way since the dawn of time. That’s like saying “BREAKING NEWS: NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT LIONS ARE MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN RABBITS” This is shit everyone knows. Why are we paying people money to do these studies? Pointless waste of money. I say that but you see these types of studies all the time. I wouldn’t be surprised if I went online tomorrow and saw this “BREAKING NEWS: NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR LUNGS”. Come on scientists. There has to be bigger world problems to solve out there. Get your shit together. As for you Yahoo….I don’t expect much from you anyway….but you could at least act like you are trying….

P.S. Favorite quote: “While the tests measured only "minor infractions," that factor made the results, "even more surprising," said Paul Piff, a Ph.D. candidate in psychology at the University of California , Berkeley, and a study author. “ If you are surprised by these results then you do not deserve your Ph.D. Hey someone had to say it.

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Judge Brings Gun To Court. Hilarity Ensues. The Guy Reacts

 “Some judges pack a gavel -- this judge was packing heat.

A Georgia judge is under fire after he allegedly pulled his pistol in a courtroom in an apparent attempt to drive a point home to a sexual assault victim.

Lumpkin County Superior Court Judge David Barrett wasn't angry, but making "a poor rhetorical point" when he flashed the piece this week, District Attorney Jeff Langley told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

Barrett was presiding over a sexual assault case in which a woman brought charges of rape and aggravated assault against Scott Sugarman, a former Hall County sheriff's deputy.

But when the victim took the stand to testify, Barrett told her that she was "killing her case" -- allegedly because she wasn't cooperating -- pulled out his gat and pretended to hand it her way.

"[Barrett said] 'You might as well shoot your lawyer,'" Langley told the paper.

The woman -- whose name is being withheld because she may be the victim of a sexual crime -- wasn't shocked and "thought it was a test" by Barrett to gauge her reaction. Langley claims that he objected and approached the bench to tell Barrett to put the gun down.”-(Credit: HuffPost)

                Now this is how a court room should operate. “Don’t want to cooperate? Here’s a fucking gun. Shoot your lawyer in the face because you are KILLING this case” That’s what The Guy is talking about! This is much better than any of the 14 court room dramedys TNT rolls out each year (dramedys are drama/comedy...I didn’t make up the word). Some of you may see this judge as a mad man but I see this judge as a man dedicated to his craft. “Seriously The Guy?” Think about it. Who knows how long this guy has been carrying that gun around in his briefcase?  Months? Years maybe? Just waiting for the right moment! “ ‘The right moment’ The Guy?” Yea! You know he planned this joke years ago. “You know what would be funny? If I bring a gun to the court and hand it to a victim and tell them to shoot their lawyer then say ‘You are killing this case’....Classic!”  From that day forward he has been packing that gun in his briefcase waiting for the perfect moment then suddenly it happened. BOOM! Instant hilariousness. Do you even get the joke? Killing this case? Hands her a gun? FUCKING CLASSIC! You can’t write this stuff baby! I can’t tell you how long The Guy laughed at this. The comedic value of this stunt is through the roof! I mean this has to be the courtroom equivalent of  yelling at a ref to “get off your knees because you are blowing this game.” It has to be! Do I think this judge should lose his job? Absolutely. I mean come on....he brought a gun into a courtroom! What kind of idiot would do that? Do I think it is the best possible way for a judge to go out? You bet your ass I do. A wise man once said “always leave ‘em laughing” And that is exactly what this judge did. For that I applaud you sir. Have a Ky Guy on me!

P.S. This is totally a stunt that Michael Scott would pull if he was a judge. Just saying.

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The Guy Is Calling For The McBaguette

 

“On April 18, McDonald's France is debuting its newest sandwich: the McBaguette. The sandwich will feature a burger with French-made Emmental cheese and mustard on a baguette rather than a bun. The McBaguette will be available for six weeks throughout France's 1,228 McDonald's outposts.
Nawfal Trabelsi, Senior Vice President of Marketing for McDonald's France and Southern Europe said the the McBaguette is designed to appeal to the palates of local diners.”-(Credit: HuffPost )


                If you know The Guy then you know I love me some fast food burgers . I love everything about them. From the taste to the convenience factor, The Guy loves every second of it. Who doesn’t love driving up to a window saying “Gimme a fudging burger you bimbos” and having a burger instantly in your fat face? It’s what America is all about. So when The Guy heard McDonalds has created a burger that is served on a baguette (rightfully titled the McBaguette) I was instantly intrigued. On one hand you have a burger which is awesome. Who doesn’t like a good cheese burger? Nazis. That’s who. On the other hand you have a baguette and anyone who has ever had a baguette will tell you that it is amazing. It is easily the best bread going. Hands down the best bread out there and if you disagree with me then I will straight up slap you in public. If anyone knows anything about sandwiches they will tell you that it all starts with good bread. So I don’t think it’s out of line to think that this sandwich is going to be awesome. Right? Anyone could figure that one out. However, my intrigue slowly turned to disappointment when I found out that this is only going to be offered in France. France? They fucking hate us in France and as an American company I think you should send it over to the States first. Let us stuff our fat faces with it. It will be a sure sell! I will buy like a thousand of them alone. If every customer buys a thousand McBaguettes in the allotted six weeks you are sure to sell like a bagillion of them! (Don’t quote me on that I haven’t double checked the math) Think about it McDonalds! America is here and we are calling for the McBaguette. Are you gonna answer the call? And before you say “Why don’t you just make your own” fuck off because why would I make something when I can drive up to a window and get it instantly? Huh? McDonalds get your act together and get The Guy a McBaguette. Just do it already!

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The Guy Gets Political: Hank The Cat For Senate

“The race for a Senate seat from Virginia may evolve into a cat fight now that one Springfield resident has tossed his collar into the ring.
Hank may not be the typical political animal: he has spent time on the streets; he's never voted; and he really doesn't seem to like wearing clothes to do his best work.
That's right, former Virginia Govs. George Allen (R) and Tim Kaine (D) now face a feline foe. Hank's a former street cat and political independent who advocates a job creation platform and "milk in every bowl." According to his Twitter account, Hank is also passionate about the creation of a Privacy Bill of Rights and the protection of consumer data. “- (Credit: HuffPost )


                 Now The Guy doesn’t like to get political too often but sometimes I just have to. Once and a while a great politician will come around and The Guy has to throw my support behind them. You may have seen my piece last week about the person who WILL BE our next President. If you did then you know The Guy knows a little bit about the political system we have here in the U.S. of A. This week The Guy has decided to throw his support behind someone running for a Senate seat in Virginia. I know what you are thinking “The Guy.....You live in MA. You can’t vote for someone in Virginia” Yea maybe simple minded people like you would think that but everyone knows politics is all about who you know. Right? Anyway my point is we have to get this cat elected. It has to be done. “Why?” You may ask. To that I say...why not? Huh? Why not? Could a cat really do that much worse than anyone else running this country? When is the last time you saw someone in Senate and said... “They are doing a great job” ? If you are like me you’ve literally never said that.....not even once....mostly because I don’t really pay attention to stuff like that but who cares? Listen I’m not going to sit here and say this cat is going to fix all of Virginias problems because that is a bold face lie. However, I will say this....the cat certainly won’t make anything worse (Don’t quote me on that). Just hear The Guy out for a minute. A vote for Hank isn’t just a vote for a cat. It’s a vote for naps 20 times a day. It’s a vote for scratching people for shits and giggles. It’s a vote for walking on keyboards when people are trying to use them. Most importantly it’s a vote for streets clean of all mice. And that my friend is what we call the American dream! AMERICA!   U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

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The Guys Guide To Knowing If Your Ass Is Getting Fired

                       

Blah blah blah…..boring stuff about me scanning the internet. Some idiotic sentence about me “hitting the usual sites because that’s what I do”. Stupid explanation about how I’ve had a lot of jobs and how sometimes it doesn’t work out. A long drawn out, round-about way, of mentioning how I found this list on Yahoo about how to know if your job is in danger. A stupid joke about how these lists are dumb and not to follow them but I just had to read it anyway. Another stupid joke about how the stuff on this list is obvious and any idiot would know this. A final stupid joke insulting Yahoo and their writers before going into my segway into the blog which goes a little something like this. With all this being said The Guy really wants to help you guys out with figuring out when/if your job is in danger. A few tips to see what to look for if you are fearing for your job. So without further ado here is The Guys Guide To Knowing If Your Ass Is Getting Fired.

1.)    Co-Workers Stop Talking To You- This is ,of course, assuming they talked to you in the first place. If they talked to you before they will stop talking to you know. Your ass is toast because you are an idiot. To further this point, you are literally the only person who doesn’t know your ass is about to get fired. People don’t want to be fired by association so they will stop talking to you.

2.)    You Stop Getting Invited To Company Parties- You ever walk into the break room and find your entire office having cake for a co-workers birthday and they all stop what they are doing and stare at you as if you just released an earth shattering fart? Yea well that isn’t a mistake. They didn’t forget to invite you. They literally had to go into the office email list and remove your name in hopes you won’t hear rumblings of this party from someone else. Make no mistake, they don’t want you there. Your ass is getting fired. They don’t want you in company pictures enjoying fun parties with people they actually like.

3.)    They Stop Giving You Work To Do- At some point you are just going to stop receiving work. “Must be a slow month” You will think. Don’t be fooled. There is plenty of work to go around but they simply cannot trust you to do it (correctly anyway). They will give your work to someone else (who probably also hates you) until they can hire someone to replace your lazy ass. You might as well clean out your desk because your days there are numbered.

4.)    Peoples Body Language- You ever wonder why your boss says good morning to everyone but not to you? Let me elaborate. Like he comes in and says “Morning Jess!” “Morning Frank” He gets to you and simply says “Bill” acknowledging you are there but he doesn’t seem pleased. Then he finished it off with “Morning Eric” Eric? I thought you said Eric gave you the creeps (hoping people get this reference) No one likes Eric. Yea….that is true but people like you even less. Start applying other places.

5.)    They Give Your Desk Away- This is the final send off. One day you come into the office and someone is sitting at your desk. They will probably be doing the work you failed so miserably at doing yourself. Make no mistake about it. No mistake has been made. He didn’t sit at the wrong desk accidentally. This has been planned for months. The second you left the day before, the HR department went at your desk like a spider monkey. Just whipping clean any remnants of you imaginable. It’s like you were never there. Where is your stuff? It’s packed in boxes near your new desk…..which is the table in the break room. Hey at least this way you know about the company parties…unless they move them to a different room.

These are 5 signs that you are in fact getting fired. To be honest with you though……if you think you are going to get fired…..odds are you are probably right…so I would just kind of expect it….sorry.

P.S. Save the “you should be fired for your spelling and grammar” comments for someone who gives a shit.

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The Guy Reacts To The Oscars

             

               So as many of you know last night was the Academy Awards. The Guy knows you are all just dying to hear what I thought so I did you a favor and wrote down a few thoughts I had about last night’s show. I’m not sure what they were trying to go for with their theme this year. They just had Actors talking about watching movies and how movies inspired them to become actors. Oh watching movies inspired you to become actors? Yea, no shit. What else would inspire that? Going to the doctors? Eating a good dinner? “ This steak is good…..I think I’ll be an actor.” I’m sure the millions of dollars had nothing to do with it either. Pointless! While I’m talking about the theme what was up with cirque du soleil? Whose idea was that? “Here is cirque du soleil and their interpretation of what it’s like going to the movies!” Wow! That’s exactly like going to the movies! A bunch of people jumping around and doing crazy flips! That is exactly how I feel going into the movies! NOT (had you going there for a minute didn’t I?) Fucking dumb. Where are the explosions? Where are the pointless nude scenes? That’s what I experience at the movies. Not a bunch of dudes in tights jumping into each other’s laps. Fail cirque du soleil. Fail!

 It was hosted by Billy Crystal and I have to admit I was kind of let down. He said he’s hosted like 8 other times (something like that anyway) so I could see why they picked him as host. I mean he’s done well in the past. Right? Not this year. He just flat out wasn’t funny last night. Just wasn’t doing it for me. I don’t want to rag on the guy too hard but is it just me or does Billy Crystal kind of look like a walking wax statue of Billy Crystal? He just doesn’t look natural. It almost looks like he died and someone made him up to look like he was still alive. Maybe it’s just me. They should have had Chris Rock host the show again because his 3 minutes of presenting was the only funny part of the entire broadcast. Hilarious. Just killing it left and right. What’s up with The Artist? Did anyone see it? Because that shit scooped up like a million Oscars last night. It didn’t interest The Guy in the slightest bit. No words? No boobs? It was directed by a dude named Michelle (that’s what his name sounded like anyway)? Fucking French people and their silent films. Dumb. Clooney was robbed! Absolutely robbed. Did I see the Descendants? No, but I wanted to so that still counts. My point is Clooney should have won like 30 Oscars last night but instead he went home empty handed….and presumably banged Stacy Keibler till day light. Which I guess is an okay consolation prize. Side note….J.Lo’s nip was out to play….and that’s….that’s pretty cool.

If you’re interested here is the complete list of winners from Yahoo

P.S. Do you think Meryl Streep even enjoys getting awards anymore? Do you think she just goes home and throws them in a pile in her closet?

P.P.S. Where was J.T.?

P.P.P.S. Does the dude that won the Best Actor award last night kind of look like Jean-Luc from Step by Step?

 

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The Guy’s NBA Midseason Awards

So we’re pretty much at the halfway point of the 2012 NBA season. It’s been a weird season, considering it was almost a season that never existed. A shortened schedule, a lack of parody, and a clear, but hopefully temporary drop-off in the quality of play have all hindered this season. But then again, the NBA is captivating audiences like never before. Hmmm, maybe the lockout was all part of the plan. Anyway, since we’re halfway home, let’s take a look at the winners and losers of the first two months.

BEST TEAM- OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER The Guy just can’t sit here with a straight face and type “Miami Heat” without wanting to throw my laptop through a window. I just can’t do it. I won’t lie to you and say they aren’t a great team, but are they really the best team of the first half? I would go out on a limb and take the Thunder instead. They both have identical records (27-7), and although Miami has won eight in a row, Oklahoma City is in a stronger, deeper conference with much better competition. The Thunder also have just one bad loss on the year (at Washington), while the Heat have three of them (two against Milwaukee and one more against Golden State). The biggest difference for me is the surrounding cast. I suppose a rational thinker might choose LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh over Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden as your “Big Three”; but the rest of the Oklahoma City roster trumps Miami’s supporting cast by a long shot. Give me guys like Thabo Sefolosha, Serge Ibaka, Kendrick Perkins, and Nick Collison all day.

MVP – CHRIS PAUL If you expect me to say that LeBron is the MVP of the league then you clearly don’t know The Guy as well as you thought you did. I fucking hate LeBron James. Now, with that being said, LeBron is clearly putting up one of the best statistical seasons ever; but stats only say so much. Take away LeBron James and the Heat would be just as competitive because they have DWade to fall back on. Kevin Durant is another logical MVP candidate, but if you take him out of the equation, the Thunder would still be a decent team because Russell Westbrook would pick up the slack. No, The Guy is gonna be a little different on this one and take Chris Paul. Take him out of LA and what are the Clippers? Exciting? Absolutely. But would they be a championship caliber team? Not even close. Blake Griffin would continue to put up gaudy numbers, while throwing down outrageous dunks left and right; but the Clippers wouldn’t remotely be a contender. Granted he’s missed some time due to injury, but Chris Paul has been the difference maker in Los Angeles.  He is the complete point guard, arguably the NBA’s best next to Derrick Rose, who would be my other choice for MVP if it weren’t for his inability to stay healthy. It’s a point guard-driven league this year more than ever, and the emergence of the Clippers is evidence of that. Come on, Chris Paul made the Clippers relevant! The Clippers!!!! That alone deserves a trophy.

COACH OF THE YEAR – KEVIN MCHALE Hey, how about that! Kevin McHale might have failed miserably as a General Manager in Minnesota, but as a head coach he has an undermanned Houston Rockets squad playing with a serious chip on their shoulders. I mean really, who thought the Rockets would be fifth in the Western Conference at the All-Star Break? Sure, a much-improved Kyle Lowry is a huge reason for their success, but McHale has to be a favorite for Coach of the Year considering how young and inexperienced his team is.

DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR – ANDRE IGUODALA I honestly want to put him on a short list of MVP candidates because of how surprisingly good Philadelphia has been this year, but that might be a stretch. Still, this has undoubtedly been the best season of his career, and he has really embodied and embraced the leadership role with the Sixers, especially on the defensive end. He locks down the opposing teams’ top scorer each and every night, a la Bruce Bowen and Tony Allen in their respective primes. Seriously, just watch this guy play defense; it’s a thing of beauty.

MOST IMPROVED PLAYER (NOT INCLUDING JEREMY LIN) – RYAN ANDERSON This award has already been given to Jeremy Lin. It’s not really fair to everyone else in the league vying for this honor, but it is what it is. So out of everyone not named Jeremy Lin, Ryan Anderson would be my guy. The problem throughout Dwight Howard’s career has been the lack of a number two scoring option. Vince Carter, Hedo Turkoglu, Jameer Nelson; none of those guys got the job done. I don’t necessarily believe Ryan Anderson is the saving grace of the Orlando Magic, especially once (notice I didn’t say “if”) Howard leaves. Yet, he’s provided some serious scoring punch for Orlando (16.1 ppg), while hitting a league-high 99 three pointers on the season. For a guy who started just 14 games a year ago, this season has been a vast improvement for Anderson.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR – KYRIE IRVING This comes down to two players, and two players only. Who’s going to have a better career: Ricky Rubio or Kyrie Irving? If that were the question, I would say Rubio all day. He’s got an uncanny ability to make his teammates better, to the point where guys like Nikola Pekovic and Luke Ridnour are playing well above their potential. Along with Kevin Love, Rubio is making the Timberwolves exciting to watch again.  His game has that flash that fans love these days, but he’s also incredibly smart with the basketball. They would be a contender if they weren’t in the Western Conference. Kyrie Irving, on the other hand, is the works of making Cleveland a contender in the East. Theoretically, the post-LeBron Cleveland Cavaliers could make the playoffs and it’s all thanks to Irving, who has jack shit to work with aside from an aging Antawn Jamison. Irving is averaging 18 plus points per game and has helped rejuvenate Jamison, who is right behind him with 17 points per game. Once again, if you take away Rubio, the Wolves aren’t exactly terrible because of Kevin Love. Take away Irving, and the Cavs are probably the worst team in the league.

THE WORST OF THE WORST – CHARLOTTE BOBCATS Actually, the Cavs could never be the worst team in the league, even without Kyrie Irving and Antawn Jamison. No, that honor goes to the Charlotte Bobcats, who at 4-28, probably boast the worst collection of talent we’ve seen in this league in over a decade. A group of Care Bears could probably beat the Bobcats in five-on-five, they’re that bad. Contraction, anyone?

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The Guy Talks Death By Paint Thinner

“DETROIT -- The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a warning Thursday about using a common paint-stripping chemical to refinish bathtubs after tying it to 13 deaths in 10 states.
The CDC said the alert was based on research that began at Michigan State University. Scientists found 13 deaths between 2000 and 2011 of workers using products containing methylene chloride to strip paint from residential bathtubs. Three of the deaths were in Michigan, and the remaining 10 were reported in nine other states.
Methylene chloride is widely used as a degreaser and paint remover in industrial and home-improvement products.”-(Credit: HuffPost )


                Wait….so you’re telling me that paint thinner isn’t good for you? You sure? You shouldn’t inhale it or come in contact with it? Since when? Is this a new development? Seems out there to me….. Why is this news? I’m very confused here. You are telling people to be careful around paint thinner because it can cause harm or death….ummm no shit? I’m really not trying to be a dick and I’m not trying to make fun of the dead but I think it’s common knowledge that you shouldn’t come in contact with paint thinner. You know what I mean? How do you not know that something like that could harm you? It’s a chemical that is used to strip paint. It’s obviously toxic. Maybe it’s just me but I think I would make sure everything was okay before I sit in a tub of chemicals. I’m not saying these people deserved to die but come on. It’s paint remover. It’s highly toxic. Take some precautions here. There is a reason that it removes paint. Come on people. Use your heads. Also, just going off of assumptions here, but wouldn’t these people get some sort of symptoms before just dropping dead? Maybe they got light headed? Maybe they got headaches? Maybe they started coughing blood? Maybe their insides started to itch? I’m not a doctor but I think it’s safe to say that all these are pretty good indicators that you have come in contact with something toxic and you should seek medical attention fairly quickly. Just saying. On any account it seems like a shitty way to go. You know….death by paint remover. Maybe it’s just me….but I think I’d rather spend time in Texas than dying via paint thinner. Happy Friday everyone!


P.S. Do you think that Rubinoff counts as paint thinner? Because I used to drink that shit on the reg up at UMass…….Just saying…..

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Relax…..The World Isn’t Going To End This Year…The Mayans Were Overrated

“The collapse of the Mayan civilization was likely due to a relatively mild drought, much like the drier conditions expected in the coming years due to climate change, scientists said Thursday.

Scholars have long believed that a major drought caused severe dry conditions that killed off the ancient culture known for its mastery of language, math and astronomy.

But researchers from the Yucatan Center for Scientific Research in Mexico and the University of Southampton in Britain said their analysis shows the drought only caused reductions of 25 to 40 percent less annual rain.”-(Credit: Yahoo )

                A mild drought? A MILD DROUGHT YOU SAY?! The Mayans were taken out by a mild drought? THE ALMIGHTY MAYANS WERE TAKEN OUT BY A MILD DROUGHT? Not a major drought like originally thought but a mild drought. HA! “What is your point The Guy?” My point is…everyone praises these people for everything they accomplished and because of these accomplishments there is a belief that they predicted the end of the world. “Oh the Mayans are good at math, science, and astronomy….so that is why they know when the world will end. See! They even ended their calendars in 2012! Mayans so hot right now, Mayans” I laugh in your face! You can’t even survive a mild drought and you expect The Guy to believe that you can predict the end of the world? PAH I say! PAH! “What does PAH mean?” I don’t know. Just go with it ass-face. My point is that if these people can’t even overcome a drought how can they be expected to predict the end of the world accurately? They aren’t all powerful as so many people believe. How do they have enough foresight into the future to see when the world will end but not enough to see that lack of rain will wipe out their entire existence? HMM? Seems a little off to me.  Don’t you think if they could see the future that maybe they would find a way to store water or , better yet, move to a place that has more water?! “We aren’t going to have water soon….let’s just wing it” No! You go and find water! Any idiot would know to do that! Am I right? All this time people thought that the Mayans stopped making calendars because they predicted the world to end when in reality they stopped making calendars because they were fucking thirsty. Fucking Mayans. Most overrated thing since Jeremy Lin. Oh shit….Yea I went there.

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Five Questions About The 2012 Boston Red Sox

Ahhhhh, spring training has arrived. Across the country, it’s the one time of the year when every single baseball team is positive about the upcoming season. The glass is always half full in the spring, especially in early February, for a number of reasons. No one’s gotten hurt yet. No one has bitched and moaned and disappointed their entire fan base yet. Everyone is 0-0. The Pittsburgh Fucking Pirates have every reason to believe they can win a World Series…because they haven’t played a game yet. Yeah, hope might be lost by some in a couple months. Some seasons might crash and burn before April is over. But who cares! That’s part of the fun! Enjoy the positivity while you can! The Guy isn’t sure yet how optimistic Red Sox fans are about this season, but if everything goes according to plan, they can win the AL East. Then again they could finish in fourth place behind the Yankees, Rays, and Blue Jays…but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

1)      What the hell are we gonna get from Carl Crawford?

Is there a bigger enigma on this team than Crawford? During his nine years in Tampa, this guy was almost guaranteed to give you 40 stolen bases, 175 hits, 80 runs scored and 75 RBIs, all the while batting .300 and playing a solid leftfield. So what happened last year? He looked out of place. He looked uncomfortable. We all know he’s capable of being one of the most dangerous outfielders in the game. Yet, last year he couldn’t catch a simple fly ball at times, let alone provide more than average production at the plate.  Is it the adjustment from playing in a small market with little media and few fans, to an immensely critical, baseball obsessed market like Boston? The wrist injury is another concern, although it seems as though he should be ready for opening day. But regardless of health, what’s he going to bring to table once the season is underway as it is? Let’s just hope he loosens up a bit this year and doesn’t play like he has a million pianos on his back, because that’s what it looked like last year.

2)       Can Kevin Youkilis stay on the field?

I think the recent decline of Youkilis is one of the silent subplots of the upcoming season. He had such a monster impact for four straight years in the middle of the lineup, and when he’s healthy, he’ll continue to have that same kind of impact. However, his numbers have dropped considerably over the past two seasons, and the reason is because he hasn’t given the Sox more than 120 games in a season. I’ll go on record as saying they should have dealt Youk this offseason, and I’ll continue to feel as though he might be a trade chip going forward. For one, his production has clearly been down, yet someone will be willing to roll the dice on Youk considering the lack of quality third basemen around the league. Some teams might even rather acquire him to play first base. The Sox do have a young stud at the hot corner named Will Middlebrooks who is on track to be a solid big leaguer too. The Guy just feels this clubhouse needs a massive makeover, and getting rid of a grumpy, curmudgeon like Youkilis might be for the best. Odds are he’ll stay around, so my ramblings are irrelevant for now. So let’s hope he plays 140 games and gets back to the Kevin Youkilis of old.

3)      Who are going to be the 4^th and 5^th starters?

If Daniel Bard makes a seamless transition into the rotation, this won’t be as big of a problem. The fifth spot is still anyone’s guess, but few teams in baseball have a lights out fifth starter anyway, so it’s not the end of the world. Still, look at the guys fighting for this job. Carlos Silva? Vicente Padilla? Alfredo Aceves? Aaron Cook? Sounds like a soap opera on Telemundo…guest-starring a white guy named Aaron Cook. If Bard doesn’t lock down a spot as a starter, sure it helps the bullpen in a big way. But then the rotation is fucked. If Bard and Aceves win the fourth and fifth spots, then the bullpen is fucked. Sounds like a lose, lose to me. At least John Lackey will be hundreds of miles away…

4)      Who is the opening day rightfielder?

JD Drew was pretty much unanimously hated around these parts for the way he played and his attitude towards the game. So now he’s gone, and Sox fans are relieved. Yet, do we have anything better to offer in rightfield this season? Cody Ross is probably the favorite to win the job, but based only on how well he played for the Giants two years ago when they won the World Series. Ryan Sweeney is penciled in as your fourth outfielder I would assume, but doesn’t bring much to the dish at all. Wouldn’t you rather take a chance on Ryan Kalish for a good chunk of the season? He is supposed to be the rightfielder of the future, right? Unless Cody Ross mashes from day one, I think Sox fans would rather see the young pup Kalish finally get a healthy dose of playing time. 

5)      Should we expect anything out of the shortstop position?

Offensively, probably not. Nick Punto and Mike Aviles are valuable utility infielders, but is this the duo you want to see splitting a timeshare at shortstop? Although neither of them are going to provide production at the plate, that’s pretty much a similar situation across the league. So why not go with the kid, Jose Iglesias? The Sox are giving him the chance to win the job, but have also stated he’ll likely start in triple-A because his bat is not big league ready. Yet, he’s one of, if not the best defensive player at his position in the minor leagues. A future gold glove shortstop, no doubt. So fuck it if he can’t hit, most teams don’t have shortstops that can hit anyway. Give him the chance to get some serious playing time. Throw him right into the fire. Have him bat ninth, bunt half the time, and just let him do his thing in the field. Hell, he has to be better than Julio Lugo right?

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Zac Efron Sucks


“Zac Efron stepped out on the orange carpet at the premiere of "Dr. Seuss' The Lorax" last weekend and was caught on camera handing some pocket items to a nearby person. In the video, he seems to drop a shiny condom package by accident.
We're not sure if it was, in fact, a condom the actor was toting around, but his nervous reaction to the mishap is priceless. He takes a deep breath and throws on his shades before attempting to hide a nervous laugh from the photographers.”-(Credit: HuffPost )

                Come on Efron! What are you doing?! Game face bro. Game face. You want to be the next smooth superstar? Huh? You want to try and join the likes of JT? Do you? Well it’s not gonna happen if you keep dropping dong bags at premiers for kiddie movies. Got it? You’re not going to be smooth if you keep getting showed up by the likes of Danny Devito. You bet your ass he wouldn’t be embarrassed by dropping a condom. No way. Not him.  Get your head in the game here. You gotta step this shit up. You can’t go around acting all shy about it after the fact. You dropped a condom….so what? You look at the camera man and say “I’m Dr. Mantis Toboggan and I just dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.” Just like Devito did. What’s he gonna say? Huh? Haven’t you learned anything from the man? You guys just made a movie together! Come on Zac Efron. You wanna be the man? You wanna put your big boy pants on? Then start acting like it! Got it? You gotta clean your act up if you ever want to be like JT. Fucking pathetic.

P.S. Who spells Zac without a “K” or an “H” at the end? It’s “Zack” or “Zach”….Really man….. get your shit together.

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If At First You Don’t Succeed....

“Florida man Stephen Brewster, 32, was collared Tuesday on a car burglary charge -- his 40th arrest in Sarasota County, according to a police press release.
His rap sheet includes charges of fraud, criminal mischief, grand theft, petty larceny, robbery, loitering, stealing credit cards, and plenty more, WTSP reported.
"He's been through the judicial system [so much], he probably knows it better than I do," Sarasota Sheriff Tom Knight told the station.
It's yet unclear how long Brewster's 40th stay in jail will be -- he was denied bail at the county jail due to nine counts of probation violation, according to the Herald-Tribune.”-(Credit: HuffPost )


                “You’ve been arrested twice? That’s cute. I’ve been arrested 40 times...and I ain’t done yet” Arrested 40 times? 40 TIMES?! I don’t even think I’ve been pulled over for minor speed infractions close to 40 times.  At what point do you give up? I’m not talking about the criminal either. I’m talking about the sheriff. Like this dude has been arrested 40 times. He obviously just doesn’t give a shit. Jail can be used as a way to sort people out. Sometimes jail makes people want to be better. He has been there 40 times! It’s not working. I mean this guy must either just straight up hate the law or just loves jail. I don’t really see any other way. Like you can’t be stupid enough to think “Well it didn’t work the first 39 times but I think this time is going to go my way” I’m sorry sheriff but I think it’s time to just give up on this dude. Obviously the tactics you are using just aren’t getting through to him. He likes crime. It’s what he does. Just let him commit crimes.  He is happy committing crimes. You are happy not having to arrest him and I’m happy having to not see shit like this as headline news! Maybe if you don’t chase him he will just stop? Like if you ignore someone that repeatedly annoys you then they eventually stop. Right?  Or you could just throw him in jail forever. Save yourself the stress. Deal with the legal repercussions later. Then again...maybe the criminal should give up too. You know what I mean? If you’ve been caught breaking the law 40 times....wouldn’t you just stop? You obviously aren’t any good at it. You’ve failed at it 40 times! You know how many times I have to fail at something in order for me to give up? ONCE! Fucking once! Some may call me a quitter but I call it being smart. If you suck at something give it up. There’s other shit you can do. You know what my life motto is? “If at first you don’t succeed...Fuck it. It was stupid anyway.” Now that is a motto to live by!

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The Guy Warns of Mexican Dangers

“A woman pushing her child in a stroller in downtown El Paso, Texas, was struck by an assault rifle bullet fired from across the border in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, on Tuesday, mayor John Cook said.

After Juarez police responded to a carjacking about half a mile from the border, a gunfight broke out between police and the carjackers, Cook said. A bullet -- a type used in assault weapons such as M16s -- penetrated and exited the woman's calf, he said.

The unidentified woman, 48, who was shopping, was treated at a hospital and released with minor injuries, and her child -- whose age Cook did not know -- was not hurt, he said. The mother, a Mexican citizen, is a legal U.S. resident living in El Paso, Cook said.”-(Credit: HuffPost )

                When will people start to listen to The Guy? Huh? When will people learn that The Guy is just here to help? Huh? ANSWER ME! What did The Guy say about Mexico? Do you remember? The Guy said stay the fuck away from Mexico because they will straight up kill you. They don’t care if you are a mother, child, president, baker, lawyer, author, scuba instructor,... “Are you going to list every profession you could have?” How about you don’t interrupt me and let me finish? Then we will see what I was going to say. Where was I? Ah yes. They don’t care if you are a teacher, athlete, chemist, etc. They will straight up shoot your ass. This is where The Guy was wrong. See, I thought if you stayed out of Mexico then it wouldn’t matter. WRONG! America isn’t even safe anymore! They don’t even care if you are in America fucking shopping with your kid! They will still shoot you from Mexico! These Mexicans are straight up loco (which translates to crazy in American)(Yes I know it’s called English not American....welcome to the fucking joke asshole.) Moral of the story is this....Don’t go near Mexico. If we learned anything from this story it’s that even Texas is too close to Mexico. If you want to stay safe stay the fuck out of Texas. It’s far too close to Mexico for anyone to be safe. You want to get shot? I didn’t think so. The same goes for the bottom half of California, Arizona, and New Mexico (That one is a given because it has Mexico in the name.) The closest you can get to Mexico is Oklahoma. Safely anyway. Yes Louisiana might be closer but that is a gray area. “I’m not afraid of Mexico The Guy! I’m gonna go” Well then let me do you a favor and shoot you in the fucking leg! You want that? Yea that’s what I thought.

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Kanye West Fires Driver over Late Lunch

MTV.com-- Kanye West is going on the offensive, denying that he fired the driver who delivered his lunch two hours late. Previous reports had surfaced that the rapper/producer fired his driver after it took him two hours to pick up lunch from Selfridges Food Hall in London. According to a source in London's Mirror, "The driver left at 1 PM and didn’t make it back until 3 PM when the head of ¬security told him: ‘I’m sorry but I’m going to have to let you go. You took too long and Kanye got pissed off. He was really hungry."  West’s camp debunked the story today with Perez Hilton, citing that it's all a bunch of malarkey, calling the story a "complete fabrication" and assuring us that all of "Mr. West's drivers are happily employed."

 

                Now The Guy knows exactly what you KyFolks are thinking, “You shouldn’t be surprised at all, Kanye is a douche bag, and this is just a typical douche bag move.” Well then you have the freedom to call The Guy a douche bag because, we in the streets call this “keeping it real.” You don’t mess with someone’s lunch. The Guy used to back hand Chicken Heads who would try to take his Oreos. So, if The Guy hires somebody to bring him lunch, after a hard morning of making life changing music with messages that will transcend time, and they are two hours late, you better believe that drive is getting slapped in the face with a pink slip. I’m sorry, but The Guy understands where Mr. West is coming from, being the voice of a generation is stressful shit. Is it too much to ask to have PB & J delivered on time? I mean the driver showed up at 3:00. What would The Guy say to this guy? “No it’s fine, shitty limo driver, I’ll have a super late lunch so that my dinner is completely ruined. Oh wait, that’s right, The Guy has a dinner meeting with Google tonight. Looks like I’m gunna have to order a salad since I had such a late lunch. Now the people at Google think The Guy is a pansy and we now have to settle for a merger with Bing. Thanks, hope you’re happy.” Do you see what The Guy means? Lunch is the foundation of your day. People will tell you breakfast is but that’s just stupid. The Guy has had Capt’ Crunch everyone morning since he was 11 and it hasn’t steered him wrong. That kind of reliability puts its importance on the back burner. Lunch is where your entire day is cemented on. How many of the KyFolks’ great days were directly related to their meal eaten at noon. 100% of them? Thought so. Get off Kanye’s ass, he’s the voice of a goddamn generation and he was only keeping it real.

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The Guy Gets Political: UFO Phil for President

 “UFO Phil, a self-appointed intergalactic frontrunner for president, announced today he has been granted authority to assume the job without waiting for the November election.

"I'm going to become your new president. ... Don't worry, [Barak] Obama, Mitt Romney and whoever else can still have their little election. That's not going to affect me," said UFO Phil, whose real name is Phil Hill.

A published composer, comedy songwriter, documentary filmmaker and self-proclaimed "man of science," Hill has even appeared on the small screen alongside actor and comedian Tom Green. His single "Listening to Coast to Coast" serves as a theme song for "Coast to Coast AM" on the Premiere Radio Network.

In interviews with Peter King of CBS, The Huffington Post and other media outlets, Hill revealed he is in possession of secret scrolls that are written by beings from another planet. Those documents, Hill claims, give him the authority to assume presidential leadership without a democratic election.

Once he assumed presidency, Hill said he would establish a "Senate for Terrestrial Alien Relations," to welcome the arrival of "brothers from space." Hill also said he will decommission all military ships at sea, in favor of a new fleet of flying discs with spaceports in major cities around the globe.

In addition, Phil wants to build a giant stone pyramid behind the Hollywood sign. The pyramid would be similar to the ones he wants to build on top of Pikes Peak in Colorado and on Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay.

The pyramids, however, won't be the only change coming, Hill said.

"The Statue of Liberty has to come down," Hill told HuffPost. In its place, Hill said he will erect a much taller "Monument of Zaxon." Zaxon, according to Hill, is the leader of the good aliens. "He has very nice skin and will look phenomenal as a statue," Hill said.

If UFO Phil's campaign promises sound a bit over-ambitious, it's because he plans to become president of earth, not just the United States.

"When I'm president we'll finally have full disclosure," Hill promised. "I'm going to release all the top secret government UFO files to the public on DVD and Blu-ray, with special features."”-(Credit: HuffPost )

                I can’t tell if this guy believes all of this or if this is just some really elaborate joke. Like the article says this guy is a comedian so I could see him saying this all as a joke. You know trying to get publicity and stuff like that. Trying to get his star to rise a bit. I don’t know though. Something about this guy makes me believe that he is the real deal. He may actually believe this stuff. Maybe it’s all true. I could see this guy running the world. I might even vote for him....not that he needs votes....he made that clear. I’d have to hear some of his other policies to see if he is really fit to be president though. Hey he can’t be any worse than the other candidates right? He has big plans. He wants to make pyramids and space craft stations. He wants to build a statue for Zaxon! Who is Zaxon you ask? Umm only the leader of the good aliens. No big deal (Seriously dude? Zaxon? You couldn’t think of a better alien leader name than Zaxon? That’s like straight from an episode of South Park....In fact I think that name was used in an episode of South Park...Just saying) Anyway, what are we going to say if this guy turns out to be right? What if they all just start taking out the non-believers? Huh? What then? We are all royally fucked! That’s what!  I don’t know about you but I’m really not trying to die this year. Just wait till it all comes out when he releases all the alien documentation on DVD and Blu-ray! WITH SPECIAL FEATURES! (I’m hoping for a “making of” segment) So I guess what The Guy is saying is....I’m throwing my support behind UFO Phil for president! He has The Guys endorsement! UFO Phil ’12! You don’t even have to vote for him! Home boy has secret scrolls for days. You heard me right! He has secret documents that prove he is the rightful president of the world! All he has to do is go claim his seat!

P.S. How long does it take for this dude to be shot after he shows up at the white house with these documents and tries to take the presidency? I give it 15 minutes.

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