Three Up, Three Down: The Guy’s Talkin’ NBA Stocks

As we continue to trek deeper into one of the weirdest seasons in NBA history, a handful of teams are slowly beginning to show us who they really are; whether it’s for better or worse. Some teams are starting to figure things out. Other teams are just completely melting down. Some teams are suddenly bringing the hot fire, while others are colder than a polar bears toenail (thanks, Andre 3000). Simply put, the roller coaster ride of a 66-game lockout shortened season sure is a lot of fun to watch. Anyway, let’s get right to it. The Guy brings you an NBA version of the stock market...three up, three down mothatruckas!

THREE UP: Denver Nuggets Right now, the Nuggets are the envy of every small-market team in the NBA. See, the theme of this league as of late has been “whiny superstars wanting out.” Carmelo Anthony set this trend by bitching his way out of Denver last February. Denver smartly shipped him out to a desperate New York team for nearly half their roster. The results have been impressive. Danilo Gallinari, in particular, has made his presence known out west as one of the premier scoring forwards in the conference. Denver received Raymond Felton in that trade too, and basically swapped him out for Andre Miller, who has made for a great backcourt compliment to Ty Lawson (the engine that drives this team). Meanwhile, Timofey Mozgov has been a serviceable center, while the Knicks first round pick in 2014 is still looming as well. But wait, Wilson Chandler, who was acquired in the Melo deal, is currently under contract overseas, along with JR Smith and Kenyon Martin. All three of those guys are free to return to states to ball sometime in March, and the Nuggets will have a great shot a resigning at least two of them. Even without the missing trio, Head Coach George Karl has to be happy with what his team has done so far. They went 12-4 in the month of January and currently lead the league in points per game. Karl, who loves to run the fast break, transition offense, has the perfect combination of players for his system. Best of all, they really don’t have a superstar; just a great group of promising young blue chippers and a handful of veteran role players. The Nuggets are the bizzaro-world team of the NBA in that regards…and it’s so awesome.

Atlanta Hawks Here’s another team that was scorching hot in January. After losing back-to-back tilts with Miami and Chicago earlier in the month, Atlanta has won 11 of its last 14; without Al Horford. Losing your best big men is never easy, but the Hawks have made a surprisingly smooth transition towards moving on without Horford, who is likely out until April. No matter the year, the Hawks always fly under the radar. Joe Johnson might be the most underrated superstar in the league, while Josh Smith never gets the credit he deserves for being among the NBA’s elite defenders. Marvin Williams, Zaza Pachulia, Kirk Hinrich? None of those guys are going to excite anyone. However, Jeff Teague is the guy who has given Atlanta the spark it has needed for nearly a half-decade. Here we have a franchise that has never had a great point guard. Mike Bibby was about as good as it ever got in the ATL. This is also the same franchise that passed on Chris Paul AND Deron Williams. Jeff Teague, a second year point guard out of Wake Forest, might be exactly what they needed. As he continues to emerge, so will the Hawks.

Minnesota Timberwolves The newest darlings of the NBA, the T’Wolves are one of the most entertaining young teams in the league. It’s no secret that the Western Conference is deep; this team is going to be hard pressed to make the playoffs. But you can’t argue that they aren’t one of the most marketable team in the league. Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio alone make this team worth watching. What intrigues me is the glut of talented swingmen that they boast. Derrick Williams, Michael Beasley, Anthony Randolph, and Wesley Johnson all have a ton of potential. Whether they live up to it remains to be seen, but the biggest problem for this group is the lack of playing time. I guarantee you one of those aforementioned names gets sent packing at the trade deadline. If that’s the case, and playing time opens up, any one of those guys can blossom with an increase in minutes. Regardless, this bunch is competitive, and at the very least, the T’Wolves are definitely worth watching live.

THREE DOWN: Orlando Magic A little over two weeks ago, The Guy had the Magic pegged to be a top three team in the East. Oh, how things have changed. After a five-game winning streak midway through the month, Orlando has lost six of its last eight. It’s been an atrocious stretch for this bunch, and as the losses pile up, Dwight Howard’s wish list gets longer. No, really; he added Chicago to his list of teams he would like to be traded to. Even if he stays, Orlando has nothing else to work with; shut him down like the Celts managed to do last week, and this team has no answer on offense. Head Coach Stan Van Gundy will be the first casualty in a matter of weeks, but if this team doesn’t emerge from its slumber in over the next few weeks, Howard could end up wearing another uniform come March.

New York Knicks God it must suck to be Knicks fan. Just as New York seemed like it was getting closer to relevance, huh. They look like complete shit right now. They’ve lost nine of their last ten. Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire can’t seem to coexist. They have no backcourt. It’s just a mess. The funny thing is they could still be a playoff team. The NBA: Where Terrible No. 8 Seeds In The Eastern Conference Happen. I love it.

New Orleans Hornets We knew it would be bad…but this bad? Two wins in their last 19 games. Two. They might be lucky to get two more all year. Their best player, Eric Gordon, is still out for another month with a sore knee. He already turned down a contract extension earlier in the week too, so who knows if he’ll be in the plans for the future. Most recently, Chris Kaman and the Hornets came to a “mutual agreement” that Kaman will not play for this team anymore until he is traded. That’s always good, you know, when your second best player decides he doesn’t want to play for you anymore…and you’re happy to accommodate him. Simply put, there is literally nothing to build around here; especially if Gordon is gone after this season. I honestly don’t know what make this team any better. Contraction? Yup, that might be the only solution here.

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Shit the Ladies Love: The Most Important Genre of All

           Now the KyGuys probably remember that a few weeks ago The Guy introduced a new musical genre that should be present in every KyGuy’s musical collection: Shit the Ladies Love (STLL) Now, what makes STLL so important is an obvious answer. What makes STLL so important is that you get to see a girl naked. If you didn’t see that coming then you don’t know The Guy at all, and you should go take a lap. In order to explain, here’s a brief anecdote.

STLL Experience: First encounter with the STLL musical genre.

Scene: 7^th Grade dance.

The Ladies: All of them.

            Everyone knows these kinds of dances. The boys stand at one side while the girls stand on the other. The boys are frozen, as the girls give dirty looks and stand their condescendingly making fun of all the boys’ penis sizes (That’s what they talked about right? It gave The Guy nightmares). It honestly made the guy wonder how anyone had ever gotten laid ever. “The Guy you were self conscience about ‘The Little Guy’ way back when?” 1.) Don’t call it The Little Guy. Call it the “Just the Right Amount of Awesome Guy.” 2.) Don’t even pretend like you weren’t, KyGuys. Everyone has done the condom dry run when they were younger. That thing never fit. It was like putting an arm in a long sleeve t-shirt. A lot breathing room if you know what I mean.

            Now where was The Guy? Oh right, the dance. What happened half way through the dance changed The Guy’s life forever. His guilty pleasure song came on he lost his shit. And it went a little something like this:

The Guy’s not proud, but The Guy has no regrets. The Guy was on that dance floor so fast the girls weren’t even able to yell their clichéd 90’s Boy Band driven scream in time. Was there a bunch of soon to be KyGirls on the dance floor? Yup. Was The Guy the only dude on the dance floor with them? You betcha, Buster. The Guy dominated it. He was forever with the ladies. He went to dinner with them, went shopping with them, watched Grey’s Anatomy with them. “Hey, The Guy, I think they thought you were gay.” Whatever dude, I got to see them in their underwear. And it was awesome.

Common Misconceptions about STLL: 1.) “If the girl only thinks the artist is hot, then it still falls under the STLL musical genre.” That’s a huge no KyGuys. You don’t want to listen to music that will automatically make your KyGirl think of someone much hotter than you. Unless it’s Justin Timberlake because then you’ll both be thinking of J.T. and that’s just hot. Many country artists fall under this.  2.) “Justin Bieber falls under the STLL musical genre.” Way too young for you KyGuys, let’s not get awkward.  3.) “All music in the STLL genre is shitty.” Have you listened to Jesse McCartney’s voice?” It’s like the first time The Guy had a Dr. Pepper. He didn’t know what those 23 flavors were, but he loved every drop of it (The Guy’s not gay. He swears. Don’t even act like you weren’t a fan of Grey’s Anatomy).

  

The Undeniably most Clutch STLL Musician of All Time:

Boyce Avenue… It’s a lay up.

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The Guy Makes A Birthday Toast

How are you just going about your day as if it’s just like every other day? Huh? How did you go to work on such a day as this and act like it was just business as usual? Do you have no soul? Do you even realize what today is? Today marks a very special day that happened thirty one years ago. We aren’t talking about small potatoes here okay? We are talking about a momentous occasion. We are talking about something that changed the course of history all together! We are talking the rise of an empire here! The birth of a legend! The rise of a god amongst men! WE ARE TALKING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE’S BIRTHDAY! That is right! Today we are celebrating the birth of one of the greatest people that has ever walked the face of this earth. Who are some of the greatest people you may ask? Abe Lincoln,  Martin Luther King, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Albert Einstein, and Justin Timberlake. All the greats and today is his day! Today we drink to you JT. We drink to thirty one year’s well lived. We drink to a man who has seen starring roles in the Mickey Mouse Club, NSYNC, a very successful solo music career, as well as a promising career in film. We drink that man that has slayed the hottest of women. We are talking about people from the likes of Britney Spears (the hot years) to Jessica Biel. Luckily for Biel JT selected her as his bride. Pretty much hit the lottery there. That stuff not enough for you? Fools!  Don’t even get me started on JT’s episodes of Saturday Night Live! “Dick in a Box”? “Mother Lover”? Those ring a bell? Classics! Instant classics! This man has done everything and then some. Is there anyone better than JT? (No The Biggest we already decided that Usher is not). So tonight you will raise your glass and say kind words about JT while you watch his movies and listen to his songs. I know I will. On behalf of Ky Guy Inc I raise my glass and wish JT a very happy birthday! Thank you for FINALLY bringing sexy back.

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The Guy Tells You How To Make A Girl Smile

“Good morning The Guy. What stupid stuff do you got for us today?” Glad you asked. The Guy is good at many things. I’m good at eating. We all know that. I’m good at drinking. Yea what else is new? What you may not know is that I’m good at making a girl smile. Yea I know. I’m the man. It comes with the territory. So of course when I stumbled upon a list of 30 ways to make a girl smile on Yahoo I just had to check it out. It has the usual things like tell her she’s beautiful, set her as your phone background, and bring her flowers on random occasions. All that good stuff. Which is great if you are into the whole traditional relationship thing. Some of you Ky Guys out there may date different kinds of chicks. Some may not be into the whole flowers and romantic stuff. So for you Ky Guys out there The Guy has created a very short list of ways to make any girl smile. I mean these are cream of the crop, fail safe, best you’re gonna get suggestions on how to make a girl smile.

1.)    Let her drive shotgun every once in a while- It always happens. It’s you, a few buddies, and your girl. One of your buddies calls shotgun. You are inclined to let him claim his prize because let’s face it, he has better music taste than her. So obviously you let him sit up front. But not every time. Every once in a while you look and him and say “Ummm you mind if my girl sits up front? She get’s pissed if I let you sit there every time” That should warrant a big ass smile.

2.)    Brag about her to your friends- Everyone likes when people say good things about them. So what you got to do is brag about her to your friends. “Got with this dime piece last night. She was totally easy too” Choose your words wisely because the trick is having her catch wind of this. When she confronts you about bragging to your buddies you cover up by saying “Got with means date. I’m dating a dime piece. I’m dating a gorgeous girl. Totally easy? Yea totally easy to get along with. Baby you complete me” Here comes those pearly whites.

3.)    When you meet her parents say nothing but nice things about her- “When I first met Sally I knew I had to talk with her. She was gorgeous and funny. I mean this goes without saying but look at that ass! That things nice. Good genes on your part. Which is funny because her ass looks good in jeans if you know what I’m saying” Man are you sweet.

4.)    Surprise her at work- Girls love to be surprised at work. I can’t count the number of times a girl has been bragging about how sweet her boyfriend was for surprising her at work. Wanna make her smile? Shoot her a text that says “Outside ur work. Cum outside for a quickie in my car. Luv u”

5.)    Fight for her- Girls will deny that they like guys to fight for them. Don’t be fooled by this. They actually love it. So next time you are out with a bunch of friends and your girl makes a joke that makes everyone laugh, it’s up to you to get insanely jealous and go all Marky Mark from “Fear” on their ass. Turn to the guy next to you and say something like “You laughing at my girls joke? STEP THE FUCK OFF!” and then knock his ass out. You proved your love for her. That should get her to smile

There ya go. Five ways to make a girl smile. Don’t say I’ve never done anything for you.

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The Guy Talks A Possible Office Spin-off

“Rainn Wilson says a prospective spin-off centering on Dwight Schrute and life on his beet farm would be "even more far-out and weird" than "The Office."

Wilson told E! on the SAG Awards red carpet Sunday that the new series would also feature Dwight interacting with a "crazy menagerie of characters."

"It could be really cool, because it would be on his farm, which would be a bed and breakfast, and have a crazy menagerie of characters," Wilson said. "It would be even more far-out and weird than 'The Office.' So we're talking about it. It's a good idea. We're mulling it over."”-(Credit: MSN )

                Let me start off by saying that The Guy loves “The Office” as much as the next guy (though this season has been pretty bad). It is my opinion that Dwight is by far one of the best characters on the show. With that being said I can’t possibly be the only one who thinks giving him his own spin off is by far the worst idea that has ever been thought up since “Joey”.  Yea the episodes where Dwight is working on his farm are funny. It’s fun to see him running around in this crazy environment. Yes it is funny because he is the last person who should be running a Bed and Breakfast. Yes it is usually funny when we meet one of Dwight’s family members but making a whole series solely dedicated Dwight doesn’t really seem like the right step here.  Dwight is funny because of his clashes with people who have normal morals. He is his funniest when he is facing off with Jim. You need someone to “poke the bear” so to speak. Someone to mess with Dwight to spur him to do crazy things. He is best facing off against people who are completely opposite of him. I don’t think putting Dwight with a slew on crazy characters is going to be funny. Like at all. People don’t want to see weird people interacting solely with other weird people. That is why Big Bang Theory works. You have the group of nerds mixed with the hot chick next door.  Two totally different worlds colliding into one. The Big Bang crew needs Penny just like Dwight needs Jim or Andy or Ryan or even Kevin for that reason.  I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong but I just don’t see how this show could possibly be any good. Does anyone else agree with me?

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The Guy Talks Fran Drescher, Stephen Hawking, and Humanity!

“The nanny from Flushing, Fran Drescher, may in fact be the nanny from outer space. That's if you believe the actress' dramatic story about being abducted by aliens -- something she truly believes happened to her.
"You know, it's funny because Peter (Fran's ex-husband) and I both saw [aliens] before we knew each other, doing the same thing, driving on the road with our dads," Fran tells me, in all seriousness. "We were both in junior high. A few years later, we met, and we realized that we had the same experience. I think that somehow we were programmed to meet. We both have this scar. It's the exact same scar on the exact same spot."
But ex-husband Peter Marc Jacobson wasn't so convinced of the couple's extraterrestrial pasts. He says Fran got the small scar on her hand from a a drill bit or burning herself holding a hot cup of water. But Fran says, no way.
"I said to him, that's what the aliens programmed us to think," Fran explains. "But really, that's where the chip is."”(Credit: HuffPost )

                Oh Fran you so crazy! What will you do next? “oh this scar? I got it from aliens abducting me. Classic case of abduction” Do you honestly expect us to believe that you were abducted by aliens? Come on Fran let’s be real here. Think about it. Why would they pick you? Out of all the people in the world they selected you? Seriously. Let’s use our heads here. They could have any of the world’s smartest people but they abducted you? “Who should we get? Bill Gates? Maybe Mark Zuckerburg? We could even get Stephen Hawking! I would love to study his brain. See what makes him tick” “Nahhhhh get the Nanny” “but sir....she’s so annoying. Have you heard her voice? We could study some of the human’s greatest minds and you want me to get Fran Dresher?” “Oh I’m sorry are you in charge or am I? Because I could have fucking sworn that I was in charge!” Yea the head alien is kind of a dick but I digress. Out of all the people they could have abducted they picked Fran Drescher? Seems kind of off to me. I also like how here ex says she got the scar from a drill bit or coffee. I think we are starting to see why they aren’t together anymore “Fran for the last time you got that scar from a drill” “That’s just what the aliens want you to think!” “Did you take your meds today?” “Aliens just want you to think meds work! The aliens in white coats gave me those meds. I’m not going to trust them!”

                Maybe I’m being too hard on poor old Fran. Maybe she really does think she was abducted by aliens. Let’s assume for a minute that what she is saying is in fact true. That’s aliens did in fact abduct Fran Dresher. That they studied her and are using the results from those tests to factor in what to do with the human race....... This can only mean bad things for the humanity as we know it! Think about it....one of their samples of our race is Fran Dresher? Come on! That’s not fair to us! That’s not fair at all! Listen aliens. You gotta give us another shot here! We can do better! We aren’t all like her! Don’t wipe out our race because of Fran Dresher! Please! We have smart people! We have useful people! We can help you! We aren’t all like the Nanny! She doesn’t even represent out entertainment industry.  Grab George Clooney and JT. They are the best America has to offer! You’ve got to believe me! Don’t judge our planet based on Fran Dresher I swear we can be of some use to you! I SWEAR! Seriously though, if anyone could talk the aliens out of wiping out our entire planet it would be George Clooney and JT. They are just so damn smooth!

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The Guy Talks Pretty People Only

“Things are looking ugly for the people who do PR for Tiffany's.
Last night, the New York department story held a party DJed by Beyonce's little sister Solange, and the PR company that put on the event, Epic Group, was so concerned that the soiree would be too packed that they told all models hoping to attend that they couldn't bring any guests unless they too were models.
As you might expect, that missive offended a lot of people so the PR firm saved face by sending out a follow-up email explaining that "the best looking guests will be admitted whether they are models or not," adding "We were worried that good people might be turned away at the door, but have been assured that the best looking people will have no problem."”-(Credit: HuffPost)


                Wait so non-models can’t come to the party? I don’t know if that’s offensive enough….oh what’s that you said? OHHHHH only ugly people won’t be allowed in. I get it now. That’s MUCH better. Fucking idiots. Seriously? That is really the best solution your PR department could come up with? “People are upset that non-models aren’t allowed to come to the event. We need to be able to make the people happy. What do we do?” “Hmmmm tell them that anyone who is attractive enough can come in. That should make the general public happy right?” How stupid are you? You are the head of Public Relations and you let this slide? This is literally the best you could come up with? Only attractive people can come? What is this high school? What kind of PR department is this? You can only assume that they are hideously ugly. Ugly people who have been told they were ugly their entire life and now they finally have some leverage to hang with the attractive people. There is no other possible explanation for this. Either that or they were dropped on their head as a child. I don’t see any other way that this would register in someone’s brain as a good idea.

                Even though I think it’s a beyond stupid idea and I think who ever came up with it should be fried immediately you gotta respect their decision. “What are you getting at The Guy?” Who wants to hang out with uggos? Not me. Yea I’m sure they are really fun to hang with but they aren’t one of the beautiful people. Am I saying that I would get into the pretty people party? Hell no. I’m hideous as fuck (even though I have a heart of gold). That is why I would never try to go a party with models to begin with. I know my place. My place is behind a computer saying stupid stuff where no one can see my face. That is why I’m a blogger and not a famous TV star. That is literally the only thing holding me back. My ugly mug.  Well I guess there is one good thing about having a pretty people only party. Since there are only attractive people there one of them has to get a taste of their own medicine. “What are you talking about The Guy?” Well if they are all hot we can only assume they were the hot people at their schools/works/whatever they did before being models. With that being said everyone knows there is always that one person less attractive than everyone else. They are the people who get ridiculed. So even if it is a party full of attractive people….one of them as to be the designated ugly friend. That’s just how society works. So finally this person will know what it feels like to be cast aside!....now that I say it…Probably not…..Pretty people stick together…. I need a beer….

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The Guy Talks Offensive Recess Games

“First it was references to slavery in math homework. Now parents are fuming that kids were playing insensitive games about slavery in the school yard.

Students in Lilburn, Georgia claim that a teacher organized a tag like slave and slave catcher game.

The incident occurred at Camp Creek Elementary in Gwinnett County, and while the school district has acknowledged that game occurred, it has denied claims the teacher was involved.”-(Credit: Post Chronicle )

                What is up with this year so far? Why are people so down with slavery all of a sudden? Is slavery cool again? Was slavery ever cool? Is 2012 the year of revived slavery? I have so many questions without answers! First we got teachers making up slave math problems. Now we got teachers making slave tag games. What is going on? What’s next? Slavery video games? Huh? Slavery reenactments? When will this madness stop?! TELL ME! My other question is why can’t tag just be tag? I used to play tag all the time without themes. Then of course those evolved to freeze tag and TV tag but those had rules. What makes tag become slave and slave hunter tag? If you are a slave and they catch you do they chain you up and parade you around on a wagon all recess long? Do you have to wear rags? Do they sell you to other students who make you do their slavery math problems? How many offensive questions can I ask before someone gets upset with me? I’m really not seeing the correlation between tag and slavery here. Why is slavery the new fad anyway? What is wrong with teachers now-a-days? What part of slavery makes you think “Hmmm there’s a game somewhere in this"

                What was “Cowboys vs Indians” too offensive for you? Since when is slavery less offensive than the trail of tears? We used to play “Cowboys vs Indians” all the time when I was a kid. What team was I on? Cowboys every time obviously. Isn’t this America? I thought this was America? “Indians were here first so saying something about America doesn’t really work here” You’re just mad because you were on the Indian team. Classic Indian response. Anyway we used to play that all the time until my teacher made us stop. Why did we have to stop you ask? Because kids were complaining that I was cheating. I used to throw blankets on the other kids. Classic “small pox” trick. Worked every time. Since when is strategy offensive? Is that story at all true? Not even remotely but it would be funny if it were. Moral of the story is those were different times then. Those were the days when the trail of tears was okay but slavery was never touched! I’d like to think that is how America was built…..even though I know it wasn’t.

P.S. Do you think they are afraid to make the black kids be on the “slave” team? Someone had to ask it….

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Do The Celtics Blow It Up? The Guy Explains

For those of you who follow The Guy regularly, you’ll know exactly where I stood on the 2011-2012 Boston Celtics. The key word here “stood”, as in it isn’t where I stand anymore. You won’t hear me say this very often, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. I’ve seen this team play 16 games this season; with a 66-game schedule, that’s enough of a sample size for me. I think we can all agree it hasn’t been pretty. Through 16 games, I think we’re all finally able to see the big picture; there’s no way this squad is better than a mediocre playoff team. Coming into the season, The Guy envisioned a last hurrah of some sort. A last ditch effort to make a run for the Eastern Conference finals before the “Big Three” finally parts ways. Now, the only question is which one of the “Big Three” will Danny Ainge trade first. Their only quality win this year came in a 31-point shellacking of the Orlando Magic on Monday. Surprisingly enough, that win came without Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen, among others. Odds are the C’s will be without those same players for tonight’s tilt, once again, against the Magic. Health is the obvious concern with this team going forward, as Paul Pierce has missed time this season as well. Even the greatest teams can have their seasons derailed by health. But if this team deployed its’ best starting five night after night, how far can they really go?

Even as a huge Celtics fan, part of me wants to say it’s best for the C’s to not go anywhere. Making the playoffs as a seventh, or eighth seed is the worst thing that could possibly happen to this franchise. Let’s face it; matching up in the first round against the Bulls or the Heat would be a nightmare for Boston. The Sixers, Hawks, and Magic could all spell disaster for the Celts as well. Even the Pacers have had Boston’s number this season. Well guess what? There’s no chance that Boston wouldn’t face any of those teams in the opening round of the playoffs. Those are the top six teams in the East, but unfortunately for Boston, there’s a huge drop-off after that group. Even if the Celtics continue to play at this rate, and finish below .500 without making any moves all year, they’ll be locked in as a bottom-tier playoff team that is bound to get bounced in the first week. The only way for this team to get better…is to get worse.

I know that the Celtics have little to no desire to rebuild through the draft, but this team desperately needs an injection of youth. Rajon Rondo, Avery Bradley, JaJuan Johnson, E’Twaun Moore, Greg Stiemsma; those are the only players on your entire roster with any potential to grow whatsoever. Not necessarily an intimidating group of players by any means. As far as the veteran players on this roster are concerned, wouldn’t you have to consider shipping out KG, Ray, or even Pierce for some younger players? I know there isn’t a huge market out there for any of these guys, but if Danny gets the right deal he has to pounce. For example, I’m sure there’s a playoff contender out there (Clippers? Blazers?) that could use someone like KG off the bench. Although he has the least value in terms of his on-court potential (KG is clearly a shell of his former self these days), Garnett has value in terms of an expiring contract. Teams in this league just love to devour these expiring deals to free up cap space for free agency. It’s the same idea with Ray Allen; there absolutely has to be a contender that could use a shooter like Ray off the bench. Throw in that his current deal is done after this season, and Ray Ray could be a very valuable trade asset. Paul Pierce would be the toughest to trade because he has the biggest contract. However, Pierce is probably the most capable of playing at a high level for another year or two. The point is that buyers will be calling for these three veterans. The question is whether or not Danny Ainge pulls the trigger.

If the C’s trade one of the vets, they’re not likely to get a godfather offer in return. A young role player or two with potential will do just fine. Drafts pick and another expiring contract that no one wants would also suffice. Basically, filling your roster with youth, whether it is through the trade or through the draft, is almost always the first step towards rebuilding. I know that Celtics fans want to see a competitor each and every season, but sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can make your way back to the top. When you think about how Danny Ainge rebuilt the franchise back in 2007, and how he made the moves to get Ray Allen and KG, people forget that he built up to that point through the draft. Ainge and the Celtics were only able to make the moves they did because of the assets they had available. To bring in both Ray and KG, the C’s traded Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Sebastian Telfair, Gerald Green, Delonte West and three first round draft picks (which later became Jeff Green, Jonny Flynn, and Wayne Ellington). Almost all of the aforementioned players were either first or second round draft picks for Boston. It seemed like a lot to part with at the time, especially with talented young players like Al Jefferson and Jeff Green on the table. But it in the end, a giant package of young players with potential directly led to Banner 17, so it was clearly worth a few years of struggle.

If the C’s fail to make the playoffs, scoring a lottery pick in the top 12 or 13 for the first time in five years wouldn’t be a bad thing at all. Making the playoffs and locking up the 18^th pick doesn’t have nearly the same value, but regardless of where they draft in particular, having draft picks on the backburner is never a bad thing. By parting ways with the Big Three (whether it’s one, or two, or all three), the Celtics will, at the very least, be able to bring in some young talent on top of that, while still having a ton of cap room to bring in potential free agents. You see, the Celtics have a ton of flexibility; that’s the beauty of the whole thing. Danny Ainge can go a number of different directions here; but the rebuilding has to start now. There’s no need to hover around mediocrity for another season. Trade the veterans, bring in the youth, and start fresh. It might not be what fans want to see right now, but it could pay dividends for the future. Blow it up, Danny! Banner 18 ain’t coming this year; but with the strategy, it could be right around the corner.

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The Guy Elects More People To The Hall Of Fame

“Thanks to groundbreaking innovation in the aftershave industry, men making excuses about their strip clubs visits can now have smells to back them up.

Metro reports that Mavericks strip club in South Africa has launched a line of "Alibi" aftershave products designed to make men smell the way they would if their excuses for staying out late were actually legit.

"My Car Broke Down," for example, smells like fuel, burnt rubber grease and steel, according to Metro.

But Margy Bons of Operation Homefront told KNXV the cologne is unlikely to keep women from sniffing out the truth.

"If he's coming home at 1 o'clock in the morning, I don't care. You can wear Alibi all you want, we're still gonna have to look for that alibi," Bons told the station.

Also doubtful of the product's usefulness, JOE's Amy Wall notes that other, more traditional options are already available to sneaky men.

"Apparently people would actually wear an aftershave that smells like burnt rubber," Wall wrote. "We wonder why they wouldn't just take a shower instead?

Good advice, especially considering that, as Fark points out, even if the cologne does work, there's still no getting rid of all that glitter.”-(Credit: HuffPost )

                This inspires me. Finally an invention worth talking about! This is going to revolutionize the strip club game! I’m feeling squirrelly right now so my next course of action may be a little extreme to some of you. Some of you may be against it but that doesn’t really matter. Forget all these nay sayers I’m moving to elect these guys to the KyGuy Hall of Fame immediately! I know. It’s a bit extreme but think about it. If these guys don’t deserve to be in the hall of fame who does? Saying these guys are first ballot hall of famers is an understatement! Who do I contact about nominating these people for a Nobel Prize? Get me that number immediately! What is up with all of these nay sayers? Can’t you just give credit where credit is due? Are you just jealous that you didn’t think of it first? What are your suggestions again? Shower? Wash your clothes? Oh that’s not suspicious at one in the morning. “Oh hey honey I just felt like washing my clothes. Couldn’t wait till morning. I’m just gonna hop in the shower. Don’t smell me though because I probably smell like ass. Not a strippers ass…..you know just ass in general…excuse me” What if she is waiting for you when you get home? One spray and boom you smell like car. Strippers don’t smell like cars. They smell like herpes and broken dreams.

 I mean yea sure you can go home and shower. Yea you can wash your clothes. But wouldn’t you just rather spray yourself down with sometime that smells like oil? Hell for all we know it may just be actual oil but who cares?! That’s called commitment people. If you are gonna tell a lie you might as well commit to it. “My car broke down. I probably smell like it if you want to give me a sniff” You could even rub some oil on your pants just to give it a more realistic feel! My question is…why hasn’t this been invented sooner? These guys can’t possibly be the first ones to think this up. It seems like such a simple idea. All I know is I need to get my hands on this immediately. I’m giving it to all my relatives next Christmas. It’s already been decided. That could make things a bit awkward though. Picture this. You go over your grandparents house and your grandpa is just getting home. You go over to give him a hug and that’s when you notice it. He smells like oil and burnt rubber…..What the fuck?!.. What then? Huh? WHAT THEN?!?! I can’t think this way. This is quickly ruining Christmas for me. It’s altering my judgment. Eh fuck it. Welcome to the Hall of Fame!

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The Guy Is Jealous

The Guy is so jealous. Things could have been so much different for me. Man, if only my mother slept with a former major league baseball player. I mean I’m somewhere around 5’11”, and I could definitely reach 285 lbs. no problem! Out of shape? You got it! That’s my mantra, baby! First base? Hah! That’s the easiest position there is. Aside from designated hitter, of course. Oh wait, you want me to play some DH too? Can life get any easier? Seriously, life is just so easy for some people. It could have been so easy for me. If only I could mash home runs 500 feet...

214 million dollars. Can you imagine what you might do with 214 million dollars? The Guy has talked about this before. The possibilities are obviously endless, so I won’t bother going into details. The Guy has bigger fish to fry here. The more important question is this: what do you think you might have done to possibly earn 214 million dollars over nine years? Cure cancer? Create a plan for world peace? Win the lottery 15 times? That’s a lot of fucking money; it ain’t easy to make that kind of cheese. Oh wait…unless you’re Prince Fielder of course. After months of waiting, the Detroit Tigers signed Prince Fielder to a nine year, 214 million dollar deal. Now don’t get me wrong; I like the guy. But he has one of the easiest jobs in the world. They do say that hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in sports; but when you are built like Prince Fielder is, and you have the genes that Prince Fielder has, launching a baseball over a fence is not that hard. Like I’ve been saying this whole time, all it could have taken was for The Guy’s Momma to have a little rendezvous with Cecil Fielder back in the 80’s and BOOM: 20 years later I’m dropping bombs left and right like nobody’s business.

The Guy isn’t a jealous person by nature. I don’t envy people or things. I live my life. You live yours. It is what it is. But how can you see a fat, sloppy “athlete” like Prince Fielder sign a contract for nine years, 214 million dollars and not be filled with rage. I know, I know; the market for baseball players is ridiculously high because of the lack of a salary cap. Guys like Jayson Werth and Barry Zito make hundreds of millions of dollars because that’s the nature of the market. Well then the nature of the market is what’s fucked up with our country. What’s the president make? 400,000? Obama doesn’t even get 500 thou, bro! That’s bush league. And yet, Prince Fielder could buy like six Obama’s if he wanted with that kind of money. It’s outrageous. Should I be getting so worked up about this? Probably not. If the Red Sox inked Fielder to play DH for that kind of money would you hear me complaining? Not one bit. It just frustrates the shit out of me that this is a trend that won’t change. In fifteen years, shmucks like Darnell McDonald will be getting that kind of money; it’s the way of the game. Well fuck the game, that’s what I say. Rebel with a cause, baby!

Seriously, look around the American League. Look at these guys spending money like it’s nothing. The Yankees, the Rangers, the Angels, the Tigers; all of them are opening their wallets. The Red Sox are the ones being frugal. How’s that for bizzaro world? I guess we’ll have to deal with Andrew Bailey, Mark Melancon, and Cody Ross (all of which can be huge additions, by the way), while the rest of the AL goes after guys like Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder and Yu Darvish. Right now, the Sox are the fifth best team in the American League. We’ve had been previously surpassed by New York, Los Angeles, and Texas. We can now add Detroit to the list. I guess Red Sox fans will have to cherish the underdog role for now; a role we’re all not used to. Either way, The Guy has had enough. Fuck baseball. Spend the most money, win the most games? It’s not realistic by any means. Implement a salary cap so it doesn’t turn into a fucking arms race, please. At least do it so we all don’t have to be absurdly jealous of “athletes” like Prince Fielder.

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The Guy Talks Power Abuse

“When a South Carolina state trooper pulled over a small town mayor for speeding, that mayor gave the cop a taste of his own medicine.

Norway Mayor Jim Preacher is being probed by the state after he was pulled over for speeding by a state trooper on Jan. 18 -- and then pulled rank by pulling over the same trooper just minutes later, according to The Times and Democrat.

Preacher doesn't deny that he was cruising at 70 mph in a 55 mph zone at about 7 p.m., but now a South Carolina law enforcement agency is trying to figure out whether the mayor had any authority to then pull over the very same officer and try to issue him a summons -- a request that the trooper refused.

After a bit of hesitation, and a look at the trooper's license and registration, Preacher let him go.

Mayors don't often fire up their red and blues to pull over a state trooper, but Preacher said he was acting within his rights as Norway's chief constable. Plus, the mercenary mayor said that he was trying to pull over a vehicle he believed to have been involved in a recent robbery attempt, not a cop, according to CBS News.”-(Credit: HuffPost)  

                Where to start…where to start. This story is just too stupid to not talk about. So the mayor got pulled over for speeding. Rightfully so. Speeding is against the law whether you are the mayor or not. Being the mayor does not excuse you for breaking the law. These are just the facts. Then the mayor pulled over the cop that pulled him over in order to get back at him. Right? That’s what this story is saying? Correct? I’m not crazy here. Like he literally pulled him over minutes after being pulled over and says he thought he was someone who committed a burglary? Really? That’s the best you can come up with? How would you know about a burglary anyway? I’m not in law enforcement but I don’t think the mayor is the first one notified about a burglary right? The cops are the first ones to know. I’m assuming anyway. So how would you know about a burglary that just happened if you didn’t witness it? Did you see it taking place? Obviously not because then you would have pulled over the right person instead of the cop that had just pulled you over.

                You were being a dick. Admit it.  You sped. You got caught and that pissed you off. No one pulls over the mayor of Norway South Carolina and gets away with it! Honestly do you think people are gonna believe that you pulled over the cop that just pulled you over minutes before because you thought he was a burglary suspect? I get that you don’t want to just come out and say “I was being a dick” but think of a better excuse. Maybe I pulled him over because he was speeding. Maybe I pulled him over because he had a tail light out. Don’t say he is a suspect in a burglary when you know very well you were just being a dick and trying to make an example of him. I hope this lead to you getting fired. I really do. Just throwing your weight around because you can. “The Guy you are telling me you wouldn’t have done the same thing?” You damn well know I would have but I wouldn’t be dumb enough to get caught. Even if I did I wouldn’t lie about it! “Mayor The Guy…why did you pull this cop over?” “Ummm because the fucking asshole pulled me over a few minutes ago. I’m the fucking mayor bitch! I play for fucking keeps! Who the fuck is gonna stop me! Yea that’s what I fucking thought” This of course would be followed by a desk pop or two because I’m the fucking man. You best believe it!

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Beyonce's Sister Solange Plans to 'Spoil' Blue Ivy

"Houston natives Beyoncé and Solange have each carved out distinctively impressive lanes, with B owning the pop diva crown while Brooklyn-dwelling Solo has been shutting it down as a turntablist with a playlist as enviable as her closet. And there's no sibling rivalry from this vantage point: Although Beyoncé celebrated the arrival of baby girl Blue Ivy Carter with husband Jay-Z just this month, she got a head start on motherhood by playing doting auntie to little sis Solange's one and only, 7-year-old Julez. So how does Solo plan to welcome big sister into the exclusive mommy club? "This may sound awful, but I'm excited to let the baby do whatever it wants.""-(Credit: MTV ) 

            So Solange Knowles plans on spoiling her niece, Blue Ivy. How you going to pull that one off, Champ? No seriously, what can you give that kid that she doesn’t already have? Are you going to bring her diapers? Well, she only does poopie in the finest of materials. Baby food? Creme Brulee in a can probably isn’t a good look/ out of your price range. Now, The Guy understands. You’re screwed. You’re broke as shit. “But The Guy, she’s a DJ. Didn’t you read the article?” Anybody with a laptop and an iTunes account can be a DJ now-a-days. The Guy laid down a bumpin DJ set as he was taking a shit just this morning. Color The Guy unimpressed. Now, back to the matters at hand. Solange, you need to improvise. Here’s some gift ideas:

1.      A shit load of high fives.

2.      Be the aunt that buys her alcohol. Always a go to move.

3.      One of your CDs (At least you’ll know one copy was purchased)

4.      A copy of Bring It On: All or Nothing (The Guy wants to see Hayden Panettiere do grown up stuff)

5.      Constantly remind her that she will always be the oldest of all of her eventual siblings and that the oldest is always the best. (Admit it. You’re still bitter.)

            The Guy knows it’s not much but neither are you, so it’s relative. The sooner you realize Rihanna is going to be the better aunt, the sooner you can just be the aunt that gets drunk in the corner during holidays saying weird things. Kanye will probably doing the same thing anyways.

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The Guy Looks Back At An Epic Sunday

Epic might be an understatement when it comes to describing this past Sunday. Championship Sunday in the NFL always provides excitement; but when was the last time we were all treated to a pair of games as thrilling as this? The Pats and the Ravens set the tone on Sunday in the early game and the Giants and Niners followed suit a few hours later. The result? In two weeks, we’ll have the rematch of all rematches. When it comes to subplots, this is the juiciest of the juicy. Brady vs. Manning. Boston vs. New York. Can the Patriots get revenge? Can the Giants make lightning strike twice? Is Eli better than Peyton? Long story short, every media outlet in America will be creaming themselves for two straight weeks. And I don’t hate it. See, this “final four” had subplots out the ass as it was. Regardless of who won their respective conference championships, this year’s Super Bowl was bound to be epic. The semifinal matchups were bound to be epic. The expectations were through the roof. And the NFL delivered…

As we prepare for Giants/Patriots Part Two, you have to think how things could have been different. Man, they could have been so different. Hell, we’re two or three plays away from talking about how Alex Smith and Joe Flacco led their teams to victory, and how the Harbaugh brothers would be set to duel in the biggest game of the season. Not that I truly feel the game can be won or lost on one play; but never have I seen two players have such a negative contribution when the game is on the line. For starters, all I have to say is…poor Billy Cundiff. I mean, I’m not complaining; his errant kick stopped the Ravens dead in their tracks. Just when it seemed like the Joe Flacco was going to lead Baltimore to a comeback victory over the evil empire, just when it seemed Uni-browed Bomber himself would silence his critics and take his team to the Super Bowl… shit happened. For one, how about a round of applause for Sterling Moore, the one-time shmuck defensive back who saved the Pats with two spectacular defensive plays. He knocked the ball out of Lee Evans’ arms in the end zone to thwart a touchdown, and then deflected the very next pass on third down to set up the field goal. So maybe Flacco couldn’t get his boys to find paydirt; at least a Billy Cundiff chip shot from 32 yards could force overtime. Or not… Kickers miss kicks; it’s part of life. But the Ravens should have had this game locked up. Not to put the blame on one man, but the entire state of Maryland can curse Billy Cundiff if they don’t get a sniff at a Super Bowl for another decade.

In one time zone, Billy Fucking Cundiff was the goat of all goats. Little did we know that Kyle Williams would take some of the attention away just a few hours later. Poor Kyle Williams. He’s currently receiving death threats thanks to his role in Sunday’s NFC Championship game. And you thought you had a case of the Mondays. Now, let me address that San Francisco played like shit. In comparison to the Ravens, the Niners didn’t deserve to win nearly as much. Not that the Ravens deserved to win either, but John Harbaugh had his team a little more prepared than younger brother Jim.  On the one hand, San Francisco didn’t look terrible on defense; except for when it came to stopping Victor Cruz. (Seriously, they did everything but take away Cruz. Is he that difficult to solve? Is he just that filthy of a receiver? Questions for another day.) But offensively, the Niners failed to take advantage of opportunities. Actually, aside from a couple of deep bombs to Vernon Davis, Alex Smith’s offense failed to do much of anything. Yet, even with the lack of firepower on the offensive side of the ball, San Francisco’s ability to play mistake-free football is what keeps them alive. Or not...See, the Niners went into this game without their top kick returner in Ted Ginn. Enter Kyle Williams, a second-year, back-of-the-depth chart wide receiver with little-to-no punt returning experience. Put him back deep in the postseason, and you know you are playing with the fire. Williams made not one blunder, but two; the first one, which came in the fourth quarter, being the most inexcusable. Even in Pop Warner, you’re taught to stay far away from the ball if you are a member of the return team and you have no intentions of returning the kick. Williams wanted to let it bounce, and that exactly what the football did; it bounced. Footballs take funny hops too; and that’s exactly what happened. It took a funny hop right into Williams, who didn’t even come close to getting away from the ball. It was an open invitation for the Giants to pounce on it; and that’s what they did. Inexcusable. The second fumble is part of the game. Like missing kicks, players get stripped; even in overtime. Sure, Williams didn’t display much ball security; tuck it away, he did not. But if you really want to get critical, blame the Niners for not scoring. Blame their offense for being putrid all day long. You can’t necessarily pinpoint their loss on one overtime fumble, even if it came in the most critical of situations. If the Niners’ offense put together one more score earlier in the game, there would have been no overtime in the first place.

The Guy is as shocked as you are that these two games unfolded the way they did. The Pats and Giants showed resilience, while the Niners and Ravens proved to be vulnerable. The bad news for Billy Cundiff and Kyle Williams is that they had crucial roles in their teams’ respective chokes. The good news is America is so stoked about this upcoming Super Bowl that everyone will soon forget about your little goof-ups. The Pats are in, baby. Lo and behold, they’ll face-off against their newest rival; the New York Giants. This is gonna be good. We got a lot to talk about over the next couple of weeks, so keep it with The Guy; you know he’ll take care of ya.

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