Year In Review: The Guy Gives A Lesson On Text Slang

Originally Posted October 11th

I don’t know if it’s just The Guy getting old or whatever but there are some things I just don’t understand anymore. Today’s blog brings to light “text speak” or text abbreviations or whatever you want to call them. It seems like each day I get a text with a new abbreviation that I don’t understand and I have to Google it. Such things as “SMH”, “IMO”, “HMU”, and “TBH”. IDK (see what I did there?) how these came to be but I think there should be a meeting held and an official report released before these can be used in everyday texting life. It seems like just anyone can make up these text slang words and have them be used by everyone. So that got The Guy to thinking. I think you know from experience that this is never good news. Anyway, since I’ve been on a list kick as of late, I came up with a list of text slang that I will now be using on a daily basis. No use in prolonging it lets just jump right in!

1)      LTM- Laughing To Myself (More or Less a Demetri Martin Rip-Off)

2)      WTAYC- What Time Are You Coming?

3)      RA- Right Away

4)      OI- On It

5)      ATM- At The Movies

6)      IIWII – It Is What It Is

7)      B2KANC- B2K And Nick Cannon

8)      YTTGTFT- You Trying To Go To Friendly’s Tonight?

9)      HOICSJLMGHAGSC- Hold On I’m Coming Soon Just Let Me Go Home And Grab Some Clothes

10)   DYWHIMYMLN- Did You Watch “How I Met Your Mother” Last Night?

11)   IDCWYSMWITGOAA- I Don’t Care What You Say, Mark Wahlberg Isn’t That Good Of An Actor!

12)   DYSTGLNWAUCBJHUWH- Did You See That Girl Last Night? What An Uggo! Can’t Believe Jake Hooked Up With Her!

13)   ABOUAGTTWSWYC- A Bunch Of Us Are Getting Together To Watch “Still Waiting…” You Coming?

14)   FDBSSSSSS- Fuck Da Bearssssss!

15)   SDIWSHDYNGTWIDRTAFOYTATITMSB- Sorry Dude I was Sleeping. How Did You Not Get That When I Didn’t Respond To All Four Of Your Texts At Three In The Morning? Still Boys?

I know what you’re thinking. “Come on The Guy, Those are all pretty obvious” We’ll here’s where it gets confusing. Of course I’m not just creating my own but changing the meanings of other ones because people tend to do that too.

1)      LOL- Used to mean “Laughing Out Loud” now means “Love Our Lost.” I think it’s important to still love things even after they die. Don’t get confused when I say: “My dad ran over my dog and killed him LOL”

2)      IDC- Used to mean “I Don’t Care” now means “I’m Definitely Crying.” The Guy wears his emotions on his sleeve. So what? Don’t get confused when I say: “Your grandma died? IDC”

3)      IDK- Used to mean “I Don’t Know” now means “I Did! we are about to go Kayaking.” What can I say? I love impromptu kayaking trips! Don’t get confused when I say: “Did I pick your kids up from school? IDK”

4)      ILU- Used to mean “I Love You” now means “I Lost my Underwear”. It happens a lot. The Guy is embarrassed. Don’t get confused when I say: “I’m embarrassed to say that ILU dude. I’ve been in the closet for while but I can’t find what I’m looking for. Can you come over and help me?”

5)      DTF- Used to mean Down To Fuck? Now means Down To Fence? The Guy likes to get a good joust in every now and again. Don’t get confused when I say: “DTF bro? Sword fights are always fun!”

There you go. Memorize that list because when The Guy texts you he doesn’t want any confusion. Feel free to use them with your friends! You’re welcome.

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Year In Review:The Guy Identifies People At The Bar

Originally Posted October 7th

(Picture Credit: infobarrell )     

      In the spirit of Friday, let’s talk about bars. The Guy has been to many bars. The Guy has met many people at these bars. So it’s safe to say I know about bars and groups of people at them. There are always a few distinct groups of people at bars and if you take the time to look around you will notice them. Whether they are seasoned veterans, first timers, or anyone in between. There are always different groups of people at the bar. Allow me to elaborate.

·         The Old Timers- These are the seasoned veterans. Though rare is most downtown Boston bars/clubs you occasionally see an old person. They are usually drinking some sort of straight alcohol on ice (usually whiskey) and are usually the friendliest person at the bar. They start off as adults trying to fit in with the younger crowd but eventually evolve into the friendly old guy at the bar. They are seen mostly at bars/pubs and are an extreme rarity in a club. If you see one in a club proceed with caution because he may just be a murderer.

·         The Regulars- Aren’t the regulars and the old timers the same thing? Kind of. How do you identify the regulars? They are usually sitting at the bar talking to the bartender or various staff at the bar. Usually about three to five of them. They could be anyone from the formentioned old-timers to younger townies depending on where you are. Also they are the ones pointing, laughing, and/or making fun of people who wandered in there for the first time. They may seem rude or judgmental. This is because they are. Not gonna sugarcoat it for ya. Though if you go in there enough they will welcome you as one of their own.

·         The Out-of-Place People- They are usually over dressed or under dressed depending on the situation. They can be club goers who couldn’t get in to the club but needed booze bad enough that they went to the pub across the street. Or they can be pub goers that are at a club because their friends forced them to or it’s their friend’s birthday or they know the bouncer or something stupid like that. Either way they stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone notices them and points them out or maybe even ridicule them. “What if you dress the part The Guy?” Doesn’t matter. You let off a certain something and people know you don’t belong there. They often look like lost sheep. If you see one, take them under your wing. They will appreciate it, or get creeped out. It’s a game of chance. Roll the dice baby!

·         The Dancers- They don’t give a fuck where they are they are dancing. At the club? Hell yea everyone else is. At a pub? Fuck it, if no one wants to dance we will to this sweet jukebox music. At a bar with a live band? Everyone seems to be tappin’ their toes, so I may as well find myself the hottest piece of ass and grind all up on her until her big friends notice. They don’t care where they are. They wanted to dance and you will be damned if you try and stop them. At least one of them is usually wearing a vest and/or a fedora.
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·         The Obnoxious People- Also known as The Guy’s group of friends. We are the loudest ones there. We are yelling stupid jokes at people, using bad pick up lines on girls, and one of us is usually wearing a fedora. Not because we think it looks cool but because we think it’s funny. We are the first ones there and the last to leave. And we usually feature the last one of this list…

·         The Drunkard- The drunkest person in the bar. Sometimes they are confused as one of the dancers but don’t be fooled. They had no intention of dancing. Their only intention was taking 10 of the bars cheapest vodka shots to the face and puking in their buddies dvd player. They are “that guy” in every form of the word and everyone loves them for it. No one knows why they do. They just do.

So there you have it. Many types of people connected through their love of alcohol. There are other groups but I don’t have the inclination to list any more. Try google-ing it. Don’t give a fuck. When you’re out tonight,  pay close attention to everyone. You just may find that YOU are in one of these groups. It’s not a bad thing baby. Be who you are! The Guy loves you for it! Now go out tonight and (in the words of The Biggest) “Get some drinks in! Get some drinks in!”

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Year In Review: The Guy Reflects

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Originally Posted November 9th

 

This past weekend it became apparent that a few years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. In May 2009 I graduated college and not a day goes by that I don't regret it but this weekend really drilled home the fact that I fucked up. I rolled up to the Zoo this past weekend with the typical Zoo Crew Jeffrey Cole, Bazooka, RatBoy,X8OD, Mase Money, Little Paul, and Beezus. We were of course joined by some of the newer Zoo Crew such as The Biggest, The Boy with Glasses, Glutes, RoonDawg, Lopesner, Howie Do it, Freemoney, and Phil.I.Am, just to name a few. Listen I can’t sit here and name everyone I came in contact with at the Zoo this weekend. That would take forever! Anyway, I relived 4 years of college in 2 nights and my Liver is no longer speaking to me but it was all worth it. I'm telling you guys it was wild ,my buddy Cotts was just downing beers....oh wait Cotts stayed home to clean the sand out of his vagina all weekend....what a bitch.

Moving on, KyGuy was just owning the tailgate and it felt like it was the glory days all over again. I'm talking shotguns, face chugs, polish horse shoes,Bags. We were doing it all. I then started to get a little depressed knowing that after this weekend I would have to leave this heaven on earth. This is when I began to talk to X8OD about how we messed up by graduating and he put it best when he said "Abba bahbaba Shots! babahlaba To be the man you gotta beat the man Wooooo!!! tah abahbababa" Seriously that is what this kid sounds like after a few beverages. I'm telling you, John Lackey puts together more coherent sentences than this guy. Helen Keller made more sense than this guy does after a few, as he would say, "Daddy Shots" but through the senseless rambling I realized what he was trying to say and I think it translated to something like this. " You know The Guy, we may have fucked up by graduating from this fine educational institution but it was time for us to move on into the adult world. The Zoo is a wonderful place for us to come back once a year and drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore but the world offers many more places to party and we must experience them all and as always remember To be the man you gotta beat the man Woooooo!!!!!"  Or maybe he was just trying to say stop being a bitch and lets rip some shots! Either way one thing is certain and that is nobody knows how the party like the Zoo baby nobody!

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Year In Review: The Guy Amends His Bathroom Etiquette Guide: Pee Stances

Originally Posted October 3rd


Some of you may remember a blog I put out a little while ago. A blog that described the do’s and don’ts of proper men’s room etiquette. I listed off a couple of fast and hard rules to keep your bathroom going experiences as well off as they can be. I thought I had covered pretty much everything one may encounter in a men’s room until I walked into a bathroom and saw the most epic pee stance I have ever seen in real life. It breaks all of my bathroom rules and I was miffed. The Guy had no idea what to do. First let me list off a couple of standard stances that hold true to my original guide to bathroom etiquette.

1.)    “The Standard” or “One Hand Stand.” Pretty simple here. Just your standard pee.

2.)    “He’s Going The Distance.” When a certain gentlemen stands an unnecessary distance away from the urinal and pee’s “the distance.” This is usually used in situations of high pressure after a night of heavy drinking. It is often utilized to avoid backsplash. Rookie distance goers often end up with floor spillage. It is often deemed necessary to yell “He’s going the distance!” when urination begins.

3.)    “The Morning After.” Gentlemen leans on the wall with one hand while doing his business with the other. Often accompanied by the saying “What the hell did I do last night?”

4.)    “The Two Hand Man” Yea because it’s that big. Also known as The Guy’s trademark.

5.)    “The Kramer” When a man is in such a rush to pee he more or less bursts through the door like Kramer and is already in mid-pee the second he reaches the urinal. This can only be done by certain individuals and must be practiced with extreme caution.

Now these all hold true to the bathroom etiquette rules. Talking to anyone besides yourself while your business is in your hand is strictly prohibited. But what I witnessed when I walked into the bathroom on Friday was something I’ve never seen done successfully in my entire life. I’m talking about “The Superman.” I’m talking hands on waist, chest puffed out, looking to the side, and just letting it go by itself. I was awestruck. Anytime I’ve attempted “The Superman” it resulted in a fire hose effect, messing everything around me. I’m talking pants, walls, floors, my cat, you name it! So having seen this man doing it with relative ease I didn’t know what to do. Cocky prick started to talk to me. “What are you doing this weekend?” At this point I’m in quite a pickle. I think back to my guide. This seems like it would be a direct violation, but his business is not in his hand. What do I do? For the love of God what do I do? I answered his question because I came to the realization that anyone who can do “The Superman” is truly a Ky Guy amongst men. He earned that answer and I can’t hold it against him.

        It makes me wonder though. Are other legendary stances possible? I’m talking things like “The Gargoyle”. This is only done by little people. I’ve heard they jump up and perch on the edge like a gargoyle and do their business like that. They can’t use their hands because they need to hold on. If they don’t hold on, they risk the possibility of falling and causing a self-afflicted golden shower. Yikes!  “The Flamingo”. Pee the whole time while balancing on one foot. Often your hands must be moved in order to keep balance. This can also result in the fire hose effect. Hide ya kids hide ya wife hide ya cats. I’ve heard tales of those two being done successfully, but there is one legendary stance left that no one is foolish enough to try. I’m talking “The Shawshank”. This is where you drop your drawers, let loose, arch your back, and throw your hands up in the air, as awesomeness rains down upon you. Yea I know it’s insane. All the legendary stances take skill. That is why they are the exceptions to my original guide.  If any man can do the legendary stance then they at least earn a KyGuy. You got to show them respect! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go try “The Shawskank.” I may need a change of pants. Pee safely my friends.

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While you are taking a pee maybe take out your phone and like TheGuy on facebook and follow KyGuyInc on twitter. Sounds good to me!

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Year In Review: The Guy Told You So…

Originally Posted September 29th

September 29, 2011. The clock struck midnight on the East Coast, and the calendar turned to September 29. That will forever be known as the date that Red Sox Nation was turned upside down. The clock struck midnight, and in a matter minutes, the Red Sox season came to an end. The Guy saw this coming. It was inevitable. After leading the Baltimore Orioles 3-2 in the game 162, the most important game of the season, they found a way to lose. Meanwhile, trailing 7-0 to the New York Yankees, the Tampa Bay Rays found a way to win. None of this is shocking to the Guy, and none of it should really be a shock to anyone. The way the Sox were playing in the month of September was sickening enough. The Guy knew this team wasn’t going anywhere even if it did somehow manage to make the playoffs. All the fans could have asked for was for this team to play game 163. One more game would have been nice. If the Rays beat us fair and square in a one-game playoff, fine. But that clearly wasn’t the case. Now let’s go back to last night. The Sox had plenty of opportunities to increase their margin. A one run lead is NEVER safe. Even with Papelbon on the hill. Meanwhile, the Rays scored six runs in the eighth inning against the Yanks to make it a one-run game as well, led Evan Longoria’s first home run of the night (spoiler alert!). The Guy was listening to the radio when Longo blasted one out of the yard, and that was when the Guy had a revelation. Even with a whole lot of baseball left to be played in both Baltimore and in Tampa, the Guy knew right then and there that the Boston Red Sox weren’t even going to give their fans game 163. And, what happens next? The Sox choke away a chance for a run thanks to the worst call ever made by a third base coach in the history of third base coaches (thanks, Tim Bogar!) and Marco Scutaro gets gunned down at the plate after a double from Carl Crawford in the eighth. An inning later, the Sox blow a bases-loaded opportunity, almost as if they wanted to put the extra pressure on Papelbon. Run support? Insurance? Nah…let’s make Pap work for this one. Oh and by the way, some dude named Dan Johnson, who hadn’t homered since April 8^th, blasted a solo shot for the Rays with a 2-2 count and two outs in the bottom of the ninth to tie the game at seven. And they’re going to extras in the Trop! All 37 of the people in the crowd must be pumped! Seriously though, some teams thrive on pressure. Joe Maddon and the Tamps Bay Rays felt the pressure and seized the moment. The Red Sox however…Speaking of the devil, let’s get back to those damn Red Sox. The Rays and Yanks were playing into the night, knotted at seven. All the Sox had to do was put away the MOTHER FUCKING BALTIMORE ORIOLES, and they would at the very least, live to play another day. Papelbon strikes out Adam Jones. Papelbon strikes out Mark Reynolds. The Sox need one more out. Chris Davis (yeah, that’s right, CHRIS DAVIS) pokes a double down the rightfield line. With a runner on second, Nolan Reimold steps in, and rips a ground rule double into the gap to the tie the game. Meanwhile the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Yankees (literally, the Yanks had their triple-A team out there at this point in the game) blew another chance to take the lead down at the Trop. Into the bottom of the 12^th they go, and the Guy happens to notice that one of the best clutch hitters in baseball (none other than Longoria himself) is due up for the Rays. That’s when the clock strikes midnight. That’s when the Guy knew it was over. You know how mothers have that extra sense where they know if their kids are in trouble? The Guy has that sense, except replace “kids” with “shitty baseball teams”. The rest is history. Robert Andino, the infamous Red Sox killer himself, pokes a sinking line drive into leftfield. Carl Crawford jogs in, slides, and…doesn’t make the catch. Surprise, surprise. Without any sense of urgency, Crawford tosses the ball towards the plate, but its’ too late. Reimold scores. O’s win. The Red Sox can only sit and wait. Well, they didn’t have to wait long, because THREE MINUTES LATER that motherfuckin’ Longoria goes deep to give the Rays a walk-off, 8-7 victory over the New York Yankees. They were down by seven runs heading into the eighth inning…and they came back to win. On the other hand, the Red Sox got a gritty start from Jon Lester and a clutch homer from Pedroia…and blew it. They stranded 11 runners on base. Their highest paid player couldn’t make a routine play in leftfield and their best pitcher (Pap) gets hit with his first loss of the season. That’s how it ends. Longoria walks off, they rejoice in Tampa, and they mourn in New England. Fitting. All too fitting. The Guy saw it coming…and still doesn’t know what to think. The Guy still is trying to collect this thoughts on the matter. But until then, I hope everyone enjoyed game 162!!! Because there won’t be another one for a while. The 2011 Boston Red Sox completed the most epic collapse in baseball history, and guess what? The Guy told you so.

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Year In Review:The Guys Guide To Not Picking Up Girls

Originally Posted October 14th
Now The Guy has hit on a lot of girls and because of that The Guy has been turned down by a lot of girls. Don’t feel bad for me, I probably deserved it. Who am I kidding of course I deserved it. I’m one of the world’s biggest choke artists when it comes to girls. The Guy wants to help all the KyGuys out there and give you some tips on how not to pick up girls. These are some huge mistakes The Guy has made that he doesn’t not want to see repeated. So do yourself a favor and read this blog.

One time in college The Guy and a few of his friends hit up a party on fucking Hobaht kid (Hobart Lane)! We were sipping our vodka out of water bottles when a cute girl taps me on the shoulder and goes “Hi I’m Kristen” What I should have done here was said something like “What’s that in your eye? Oh it’s a sparkle. Hi, I’m The Guy”. What I actually did was stare at her blankly for like 4 seconds then finally mutter “Hi, I’m The Guy” before turning around and continuing my conversation with my friends about “that funny Geico commercial”. WHAT? What was I thinking? In my defense cute girls don’t usually come up to me. Luckily for me I ended up talking to her later in the night and everything was good but that was one of my biggest chokes.

Another heavenly night up at Umass Amherst I was at a bar with my roommate “Benedict.” Let’s just call the bar “Stackers” Around last call a cute looking girl came up to the bar and sat next to me. Taking his cue , Benedict slipped away. Like the smooth drunkard I am I asked “What are you drinking?” She said “Vodka Cranberry” What my next line should have been was “Bartender! One vodka cran to go please!” Of course you can’t get alcohol to go but shut up and just listen. What I ended up saying was “You might want to grab another one soon last call is coming up” That was the end of the fucking conversation. In my defense I had not expected her to answer or even acknowledge my existence. I froze. I choked again. I don’t know what to say.

One time The Biggest and I were up visiting our friend at UNH. We will refer to him as “the Illest.” The incident happened when we were leaving the Illest’ apartment to go to the bars. Upon walking out we see a girl trying to fix her bike. The Illest goes over and tries to help but actually breaks it more. He goes “Where are you headed?” she replies “The bars”. This point we should have said “That’s where we are headed. Wanna walk with us?” What we did was say “Cool. Well hope it works out for you” Then we walked away. Classic move. Whatever we shook it off until later.

That same night at UNH, near the end of the night we decided to get some pizza and we were going to town our slices. All of a sudden these girls sit down and go “That pizza looks good. Too bad we don’t have any money” What we should have said was “Well luckily for you, we are giving out pizza for phone numbers. You hungry?” What we did say was “That sucks. See ya” then we got up and left. Yes I know that those two were probably just trying to use us for pizza but we could have defiantly played it smoother than we did.

The biggest choke of my life came in Boston. I was with a couple of friends of mine. We shall call them “The Boy with glasses” and “Glutes”. The Boy with glasses wasnt talking with girls because he has a girlfriend. Whatever. He aint so tough. Glutes and myself on the other hand we were talking to a couple of ladies. I was talking to a girl that was way out of my league and she said flirtingly “You better watch out I’m tough” Thinking back now I should have said something smooth like “maybe we can wrestle sometime”. Did I do that? No. What I said was “Tough? Maybe tough to look at” Don’t do that. I repeat don’t do that. No matter how witty you think you are. You aren’t. You’re an idiot. Refrain. Needless to say no matter how many times I assured her it was a joke, she wouldn’t have it. On top of that I screwed it up for Glutes! I had lost before I even knew it.

Listen to The Guys cautionary tales and learn from them. I wish I made these stories up but I did not. They are 100% true. “The Guy you are probably the only person to do any of those. You are just an idiot!” Well that’s true. Ladies please believe me I don’t mean to be such an idiot. I have a heart of gold I tell ya! A heart of gold!

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Year In Review: The Guy Shares His Thoughts on Rain

Originally Posted  September 20th..

Is there anything worse than rain? I hate rain more than I hate George Lopez and that is saying a lot. Seriously though, has anything good ever come from rain? Some people may say that snow is worse. Hogwash! You know The Guy is serious about something if he uses an old-fashioned grandpa saying. Listen a lot of good things come from snow that don’t come from rain. For instance with snow comes snowboarding. The Guy loves to snowboard. You ever see anyone rain boarding? Didn’t think so. I said rain boarding not water boarding so China can calm down now. Also when the snow comes you get to do sweet things like make snow forts and snow men. I’ve never once seen a rain man. Well I’ve seen the movie “Rain Man” and that was just delightful but that is beside the point. It’s delightful to go out for a nice walk when it begins to snow. I hate even walking out to my car when its drizzling. You hardly ever hear about when it rains just enough either. You hear about massive flooding and droughts. Rain is a complete dick head. It comes when it wants and ruins everything that’s fun. People will plan birthday parties or cookout for weeks. Saying stuff like “Can’t wait to have this cookout at my house this weekend. I bought a bunch of shit for it.” Then Rain is all like “Hope you kept your fucking receipts because here I come. You should also think about changing your plans for next week’s nature walk because I might be stopping in then too. I don’t know for sure yet. I’ll be sure to let you know 4 fucking seconds before I come”. Boom plans completely ruined. Children’s dreams are crushed. “Hope you don’t like that new carpet you put in down cellar I’m about to completely flood it. You’re welcome”. Thanks a lot rain. You’ve really outdone yourself this time. Rain can come whenever without warning. At least with snow we kind of know when it’s coming. It gets really cold like a couple months before hand to give us a warning. Snow is like “Okay I’ll make it cold now as a warning. I probably wouldn’t plan anything for the next few months because I’m coming to visit. This is also a reminder to call your plow guy and make sure he can still do your driveway this year!” Thanks snow! I’ll be sure to do that! You ever notice how the worst time to drive in snow is when it’s freezing rain also. It’s as if rain is like snows annoying friend “ Yo Snow you mind if I bum a ride with you?” “I don’t really have room Rain and plus I’m kind of busy…” “Too fucking late I’m already in let’s go”. Now I know some of you are gonna be like “Hey The Guy this is New England, get used to the weather buster!” To that I say Horsesquabble and don’t call me buster! I am used to it. That doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it! “Oh yea, well without rain our crops wouldn’t get watered and we would have nothing to drink” To that I say shut up nerds, no one gives a fuck. Well since I’m stuck inside all day might as well down a few Ky Guys and mow down on some salsa! Fuck the rain!

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The Guy Addresses The Year In Review

                The year has come and gone. In this year The Guy has addressed many things. I have told you things about life, tried to give out some advice, and most importantly told you about things that I hate. You soon became aware that I have extreme disdain for a lot of things in today’s world! I gave you guides about important things such as bathroom etiquette, interviewing for a job, and throwing a party. No matter what the instance was The Guy has tried to dish out the best advice that I could think of. I also tried to give you opinions on many different subjects that I thought you Ky Guys and Girls out there would care about. Together we talked about beer, sports, salsa, hating Nic Cage, rain, toilets, money, lies, betrayal, food, the 90’s, Will Smith and all sorts of hate for the Kardashian antichrists just to name a few things. I think we can all agree that it’s been one hell of a year. Now The Guy has had a request to do a year in review with some of my favorite blogs and I will deliver that today. I have picked out five of my favorite blogs and I will post them throughout the day today. I know The Biggest isn’t going to be happy with one of the selections but he can go kick rocks! I would also like to take the time to say something else. During the first year of KyGuy we have had our ups and downs. On behalf of everyone part of the KyGuy team I would like to thank all of you for supporting us in 2011 and we look forward to keeping you entertained in 2012. Whatever you may do this weekend please try and represent the KyGuy brand by doing stuff that KyGuy’s like to do. Yea you’re gonna need some more beer…..

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The Guy Talks NYE, Chinese Food, and Fedoras

Christmas has come and gone and New Years is upon us! For most of us it is time to go out and have some fun with your friends. Some people may not have plans which is understandable. The holidays, after all, are a crazy time. That is why MSN took it upon themselves to give their readers some “Fun Way’s to Celebrate New Year’s Eve”.  This list includes such classic ideas as country karaoke (not just any karaoke but COUNTRY karaoke), Poker Night, a roaring 20’s night, and of course a nice western murder mystery! I mean come on! Awesome ideas! Right? Maybe. For an older generation I could see some of these ideas working out but not for a younger generation and definitely not for my group of friends. Listen no one wants to spend their NYE playing poker or singing horrible country music. These ideas are interesting but are missing the whole spirit of NYE. The spirit of ringing in the new year with your friends. The spirit of going out for a few drinks or 20 and having some fun. The spirit of getting so liquored up that you might make some bad decisions with a complete stranger. That is what NYE is all about! It isn’t about some big theme party! No one will remember the theme of your party but everyone with remember the time that Frank drank so much he made out with that homeless woman and threw up in Peters running shoes! Those were the days!

                You want to have a successful NYE party? Let me help you out here. First thing you will need to do is read my guide to a successful cocktail party. That’s a good pre-rec for this crash course to a good NYE party. First thing you do is invite ALL of your facebook friends. Yea so what if you don’t have the big of a house odds are a majority of them aren’t showing up or even know who the fuck you are. Next step is to order a crap ton of Chinese food. Nothing says NYE quite like an ass load of China’s best pork fried rice, chicken fingers, and beef teriyaki! Sure it’s not really from China but who gives a fuck! Get that shit flowing! Next is the most important part of the party. Booze, booze, and more booze. People don’t go out on NYE to have a “nice time” They go out to get absolutely hammered in order to not feel the shame of making out with a complete stranger that you may never see again. That’s how it works. That is why this holiday was invented! Moral of the story is this. You don’t need a theme for NYE. You don’t need poker. You don’t need murder mysteries. You certainly don’t need country karaoke and the only thing you need from the roaring 20’s is a sick fedora. The only things you really need to make a rocking NYE party are Chinese food, booze, and most importantly good friends. So go out, get liquored up, and make some bad decisions with each other. You can thank The Guy later!

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The Guys Guide To Getting Fired

              

               If you know anything about The Guy you know that he is a hard worker. You know that I always put forth 110% even though it may not always seem that way. So when I stumbled upon a list of ways to lose your job on Yahoo it spurred my interest. Yes I know that I always make fun of the lists they put out but I can’t help it. I gotta read these lists. It makes me feel better about the mindless dribble that I put out day after day. Anyway as predicted it was a list of obvious shit that you shouldn’t do at work. Stuff that if your boss caught you doing you would get fired. Like playing online all day. Stuff like complaining about your boss. Stuff like not doing work you’re assigned to do. Yea no shit. If you don’t do your job you are probably gonna get fired. Any idiot knows that. If you need a list on Yahoo to realize that maybe you should be doing the report your boss assigned you to do instead of playing words with friends on facebook then you obviously deserve to be fired. If your boss comes in and says your fired because you play angry birds all day you should be surprised and say “you’re just jealous I got the high score”. So anyway I compiled a stupid list of obvious shit you shouldn’t do at work.

1.)    Showing up late/ Calling in sick - Hey if you typically show up late or call in sick you are probably gonna be fired. If you need a list to tell you this then you are a fucking idiot and should just quit your job now.

2.)    Showing up to work drunk- In today’s day and age showing up to work completely hammer-faced drunk is a big no-no. I know, bosses are pricks but what are you gonna do? Save the drinks for happy hour. Or you can be sneaky and drink in your cubical. I wouldn’t suggest that either

3.)    Murdering a co-worker- Hey sometimes tensions run high at the office. Co-workers get in fights and I know sometimes you want to kill another co-worker. Whether it be because of an argument or simply because you don’t like their face, or their laugh, or because they are annoying as shit! Whatever is may be bosses frown upon murdering co-workers in the office. Outside of the office? All bets are off.

4.)    Throwing a kegger in your cubicle- I know throwing a kegger in your cube might seem like a great way to hit on the cute girl at the office but bosses don’t like that. You may think it’s because they weren’t invited but even if you do invite them they tend to look down upon it. I mean sure you may get a good laugh when, in reply to your boss asking you what the fuck you are doing, you say “sorry for partyin” but I assure you only bad can come of this. Now if you have a key to the office maybe have an afterhour’s party……I’m not suggesting it…but I’m totally suggesting it.

5.)    Suggesting that your boss watch something starring Paul Walker- If your boss comes up to you and says “Hey The Guy. Me and the Mrs. are going to rent a movie tonight. Any suggestions?” Do not reply with “Fast Five” or “Into the Blue”. Sure it was on HBO one day when nothing else was on but that doesn’t make it a good movie. Paul Walker sucks and if you suggest your boss watch a movie with him then you deserve to be fired.

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The Celtics are 0-2?!?! The Guy Isn’t Panicking…

Much like the rest of the basketball loving folks out there, the Guy couldn’t be happier to see the NBA get back into action. The lockout was agonizing to say the least, but the league’s temporary absence has fueled a lot of new-found enthusiasm from fans coast-to-coast that had been non-existent in past seasons. People in Minnesota have hope for their Timberwolves. In Sacramento, there’s a buzz about the Kings. There’s an outside chance in Charlotte that the Bobcats won’t suck this year. In reality, none of those teams have a chance to make a playoff run. In fact, none of those teams really have a chance to make the playoffs, period. But what’s great is that there’s excitement everywhere you look; except, for some reason, in Boston. Not that Celtics fans aren’t happy to see their team back on the floor. It’s just that no one in New England thinks the C’s can win Banner 18. Even the most hardcore fans are ready for the Celts to tank. Ready for Danny Ainge to blow it all up and start over. They didn’t get Chris Paul, they didn’t get Dwight Howard; they don’t stand a chance. Celtics nation has become so spoiled that this season was over before it started. Now they open the year at 0-2 for the first time in the Big Three era?!?!? Believe me, the Guy is plenty optimistic about this season.

When you look at this team on paper, everyone can agree this team would have dominated in 2007. Except we aren’t in 2007 anymore, are we? The veterans are plentiful, while the youth is limited; but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The “youth” of the team consists of four players; Rajon Rondo, Avery Bradley, JaJuan Johnson, and E’Twaun Moore. Everyone else has at least six years of experience under their belt. Rondo is obviously the biggest piece to puzzle. Bradley and Johnson, two former first round picks, could one day blossom into stars. But right now, they warm the bench with Moore. Simply put, there’s not a lot to build around here. But The Guy isn’t talking about building for the future. What about right now? Consider that in a lockout shortened season, everyone else has to work past the same obstacles as the Celtics. Injuries, lack of depth, and a condensed schedule will affect everyone. Back-to-back-to-back games definitely aren’t catered towards the C’s; but it’s not like they’re the only team in the league in the same situation. And it’s not like they’re the only team in the league with veterans. Yet, of any team in the league, Boston may have the savviest group of veterans. If this isn’t the smartest team in the league, then I don’t know who is. It all starts with Rondo of course, who has opened the season with a fire in his eyes. Maybe the trade rumors pissed him off enough to motivate him. Maybe he’s ready to take that final leap in his development regardless. I know, I know, he’s not Chris Paul or Derrick Rose; but he might very well have the capabilities of establishing himself as the third best point guard in the league. Alongside Rondo in the backcourt is Ray Allen, who is about as reliable as it gets. Despite his age, he is still a physical specimen who could play into his 40’s. Keyon Dooling, the primary backup for both of them, was huge in the loss to Miami on Tuesday, and should be a good influence on the younger guards on the squad. Marquis Daniels is back (another underrated offseason move) and he joins Sasha Pavlovic at small forward for the time being while Paul Pierce is out. Daniels is a crucial asset for this team as a defender, while Pavlovic is the token white guy, I guess. Did I mention that Mickael Pietrus should join the team in a week or two? He’s an athletic freak who can play lockdown defense and shoot the three. That’s exactly what this team needs off the bench. That’s a decent looking backcourt if you ask me; lots of reliable swingmen, and of course, a ridiculously good point guard. When Paul Pierce returns to action, the C’s will most definitely return to form.

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The Guy Wants To Go Back To The Future

“If only Doc Brown knew how much he could get for that thing...

One of the original DeLorean DMC-12 cars used as time machines in the "Back To The Future" movie trilogy was put on auction and sold for a high bid of $541,000, Hemmings.com reports. Part of the proceeds for the car, one of seven built for the film series and allegedly one of only three remaining, went to the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Research. Had the car not been one of the DeLoreans used for the Robert Zemeckis-directed film, it'd be worth around $30,000.”-(Credit: HuffPost )

                This is a travesty! Call the cops! Someone just committed a robbery on Michael J. Fox! You’re telling me that I could have owned the original DeLorean from “Back to the Future” for a cool 600k? That’s it? “ The Guy….600k is a lot of money…you don’t have that kind of dough” Yea but if I knew that it was gonna be that cheap I could have found it! I could easily earn 600k in a matter of hours if I wanted it bad enough! Well maybe that’s a bit extreme but 600k is nothing for a piece of cinematic history. Think about it. You may recall a while ago that they were selling the shoes from “The Wizard of Oz” for 2 million dollars. TWO MILLION! FOR SHOES! Given that “Wizard of Oz” is more iconic than “Back to the Future” I think the DeLorean is at least worth a cool million. AT THE VERY LEAST THAT IS! I mean come on! It’s been to the past and back again! It’s been to the distant future and back again! I mean yea that kind of time travel must put a ton of mileage on it but it’s still a gem. Those things run for years and years everyone knows that! “But The Guy….they burned the tires going back in time! Remember?” I’m sensing sarcasm here…anway…tires are cheap enough. If you are spending 600k on a car I think you can afford a couple Michelins ya digg?

                The man who bought this must own a pair of Marty McFly Nikes. He has to. There is no way you buy the DeLorean from “Back to the Future” without owning a pair of those babies. Those cost a few thousand which is nothing when you have 600k to buy a car that doesn’t run! Man some people live the life. That’s my dream….to drive around in the DeLorean….wearing Marty McFly Nikes and just chillen like a boss. That guy had the life. A car that could travel back in time! Shoes that tied themselves! I mean yea sure he had to put up with his mom hitting on him and stuff like that but I like to think it was worth it! Come on! The shoes tied themselves! I’m veering off topic here. Moral of the story is this. I’ma need one of you KyGuys out there to raise me over 600k so I can buy myself one of these DeLoreans. I will then need you to fix it so it is in driving condition.  Next I will need you to accompany me in going back in time (In the DeLorean of course) to the time when they were selling the McFly Nikes. We will then steal a pair of these, hop back in my DeLorean, and go back to the future. I will then kill you because you know too much….sorry it has to happen….any takers? Anyone?

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The Guy Talks Illegal Eating

“A Florida woman has been jailed after calling 911 and telling police she ate too much food. When officers arrived at this motel, Mary Ellen Lisee, 45, appeared to be drunk, according to an arrest report”-(Credit: MSN )

                I’m not really seeing the problem here. What she did was wrong and she should have called the police. She was just trying to do the right thing. She committed a horrible act and she should be punished for it. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Well this lady ate too much. Some would consider that gluttony. “Yea so what? What are you getting at The Guy?” Ummm last time I checked gluttony is a sin right? Haven’t you ever seen “Se7en”? Correct me if I’m wrong here but isn’t committing a sin 10,000 times worse than breaking a law? Look at it this way. If you break a law you go to jail for a period of time. Could be two weeks. Could be 50 years. That may seem like a long time but not if you compare it to committing a sin. If you commit a sin you are more or less damning your soul for all of eternity! I think that’s a bit worse than 50 years. You know what I’m saying? This lady, in a drunken stupor, obviously realized her sin and knew she had to be punished. She wanted to be thrown in jail so she could never commit gluttony again. I get it! Then the cops came in and trumped up some charges against this lady and arrested her. Happens all the time. That seems farfetched for you? Let me lay out my second theory.

                Maybe there is something that they aren’t telling us. Maybe they aren’t telling us the whole conversation. I’m guessing there is more to the story than “Hey 911? Yea I just ate a shit ton”. Right? There has to be more. The Guy pictures this conversation going a little bit like this “911 what’s your emergency?” “ughhhhh” “What’s wrong miss?” “I ate too much” “Ate too much what?” “Churros” “Is this is an emergency?” “ Yea I got a crap onboard that should be outlawed in 12 states” “What?” “I mean what I’m about to do to this bathroom should be illegal you know what I’m saying?” “I’m gonna hang up now” “Wait wait wait….” “WHAT?!” “You got a bomb squad? Because I’m about to go Hiroshima on this toilet!” That was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. Everyone knows you can make as many toilet related jokes as you want on a 911 call but you never…NEVER…say bomb to a 911 operator. Rule number 1 in prank calling 911. That is a good way to get your ass arrested quickly. Crazy people!

P.S. Do note The Guy does not condone prank calling 911. They are trying to save lives people! Now you know and knowing is half the battle…G.I. JOOOOEEEE….

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The Guy Talks Nudists

“ A west Florida community is spending $3,800 in tax dollars to entice naked Germans to spend their summer vacations there.

"The idea is to create a Euro-bird season in July and August which are our worst two months of the year," said Eric Keaton, public communications manager for the Pasco County tourist development agency. Keaton said nudism contributes to the county's economy, but he had no figures to quantify its impact.

The first target market for the ad campaign will be Germany which, according to Pandabare's application, is "a large and lucrative market whose millions of nudists are among the world's most prolific travelers." The group also anticipates a campaign aimed at British nudists.”- (Credit: Reuters )

                Okay The Guy can dig it. Nudists want other nudists to come visit so they can get that cash. Makes sense. My only question is why does Florida have to push so hard to get other nudists to visit them? If I were a nudist I think I would live in Florida. I literally can’t think of a different place I would want to live. Think about it. It’s warm. Nice beaches. Hot women. Seems like the perfect place for a nudist. Right? Am I way off base here? I didn’t know nudists traveled. I say this because I just don’t see a group of naked people like walking around anywhere. I don’t go on a bus, train, or air plane and see a naked dude sitting there. Ya digg? Do they have their own forms of transportation? Naked buses, naked trains, naked vacation services, naked planes etc. “Nudist-air” “Butt Naked- Travel” “ Birthday Suit Vacations” I don’t see a lot of those coming around too often. There is something else I wonder about nudists when they travel.You know how if there isn’t much room in a car sometimes a person will sit on another person lap…..do nudists do that? Because I can forsee that getting awkward quick. “I swear this never happens…..it’s because of the bump in the road….this is awkward” Hey just saying things like this could happen.

                You know how I picture a “nudist traveler”? I picture a big naked family just standing at the Grand Canyon with nothing on but high socks, sandals, and big ass cameras around their necks. I’m not sure why that was worth mentioning but it’s just something funny to picture in your mind. Makes me giggle. Hehehehehe. Moving on. I want to know what these ads are. Are they printed? Are they TV adds? Are they billboards? What do they say? “Like being naked? Florida is warm” “Need a place to tan your cheeks? Florida is where is at” “In Florida it’s No Shirts No Shoes No Problem: Nudist vacation 2012” “Are you tired of being naked in Germany? Come on down to Florida” “Florida: Where shrinkage is never a problem” I could go on and on with these wickedly unfunny fake ads but I think I’ll stop there. Now The Guy gets that nudists are trying to get money but what I don’t get is where do they keep their money? If they don’t wear pants where do they keep their wallets? How do you carry your money? Where do they keep it? Like you can’t walk into a bank completely naked. Do they have reserve suits in case they have to face us clotheists? I can think of some hilarious places nudists could store their money but luckily for you that is a blog for a different day!

p.s. Where do nudists work anyway?

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The Guy’s Got Will Smiths Back Again!

The Guy doesn’t get upset about most things. Well that’s not true. I get upset about a lot of stupid things but today I saw something that got under my skin. I saw an article on HuffPost about the first Aunt Viv from “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air” flinging insults at Will Smith. You may recall a while ago when I had to come to the aid of Will Smith during the divorce rumors. Well here I am again Will! No one insults Will Smith in front of me and gets away with it. You can insult me. You can insult my family. But if you ever insult Will Smith I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey. You can call him egotistical. You can call him arrogant. You can call him immature. But no matter what you say you are just gonna come across bitter. You’re just mad that he got a show and you didn’t. It’s because of him that people actually know who you are. Don’t you think it’s weird that if I asked someone about Janet Hubert they go “Who?” but if I say something about Aunt Viv they know immediately who I’m talking about? Strange how that worked out. It was his show deal with it. Don’t you come at Will Smith like that! It’s not his fault you got greedy and they dumped your ass. If anything you should be singing Will Smiths praises. He still has a booming career while you have resorted to telling people bad shit about him in order to get some attention.

                You can attack the whole cast and say they are all dicks and arrogant but when it boils down to it they all get still along fine. You are the only one that people have a problem with. You’re mad because you got greedy and they realized that if they replaced you no one would really notice. Guess they were right. If anyone sounds arrogant it’s you. You said you couldn’t live off of the salary they gave you? You can’t live off of a quarter million dollars a year? Seriously? What’s wrong with you? How much did you want?  YOU PLAYED AUNT FUCKING VIV! You were literally the worst character on the show! That’s why no one cared and/or noticed when they replaced you! You were in no position to demand more money than that. A quarter of a million dollars a year is good money for a character that no one cared about! You are lucky they didn’t kill your character off after the first season! You were really only good for making fat jokes about Uncle Phil but anyone could do that. You think your career dropped off because of Will Smith and Carlton? I find that very hard to believe. Maybe you just aren’t as good as you think you are! Think about it.  If he was really that big of a dick don’t you think other people would have said something as well? I also like how she got mad at him for making black jokes! He’s a black dude! How can you get mad at a black dude for make black joke?! They weren’t even directed at her! He was telling “Yo mamma” jokes and you get offended by that? That’s like me going up to a fat dude and saying “hey you think you could pump the breaks on the fat jokes….I get kind of offended seeing as I’m…well you know….an obese American”

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The Guy Gives You Some Cheap Date Ideas

I know you guys missed me over the Christmas break but fear not The Guy is back. Now I was strolling through the internet and what better way to remind me of my excessive loneliness than a few tips on cheap first dates on Yahoo. As you have probably assumed most of this shit on this list is fucking stupid. I’m not gonna take a girl to a book store on our first date and I’m definitely not going to take her to an arcade. Usually a nice dinner and movie will do but I get that some of you readers out there don’t have the cash to throw down for a trip to Applebees and a showing of “Dolphin Tale”. Soooooo luckily for you I thought of some cheap ideas for you that are waaaaaay better than the shit that Yahoo listed. What better way to kick off the work week than a nice list of cheap date ideas thought up by the one and only The Guy! Without further ado…..

1.)    Family Party- Nothing says awkward like meeting the entire family on the first date. “That’s my uncle he’s drunk. That’s my other uncle he’s also drunk. That’s my aunt she might be drunk. I can never tell” Think of the positives here. Things like free food, free food, and free food. If you bring her around the family on the first date there isn’t added pressure to meet them later. Plus you can finally show your uncles that your girlfriend is in fact real! Way to go champ!

2.)    Movies- Movies can be expensive…..unless you already own them. Invite her over to watch “Homeward Bound” on VHS at your crib. What can I say I love Michael J. Fox. Why VHS? Because you’re a badass. Plus it was only a dollar at the flea market. Hey you wanted cheap date ideas okay? Don’t be getting pushy with me you broke ass fuck!

3.)    Dollar Menu Date- Yea dinner can also be expensive….if you’re stupid. Take her to the closest McDonalds and wow her by telling her she can have any three things off the dollar menu. “Three things The Guy? That’s outrageous!” Yea. I know. You totally spoil her. As she sits down sneak away to the counter and offer the guy working fifty cents for the happy meal toy to give to the lucky lady. If she says she doesn’t like McDonalds then say that something has just come up and you can’t come to the date….then go to McDonalds anyway…..

4.)    Sporting Event- You and your buddies are going to the Patriots game this weekend? Your buddy has an extra ticket? Invite her along! Say the ticket is free as long as she drives. Bring her to the tailgate and proceed to get trashed. That way you can try and put the moves on her AND you have a DD! That way to you can show her how responsible you really are! Defining your character right out of the gate!

5.)    Mall- Where’s a good place to take someone on the first date? The mall. Take her there and see what stores she goes to. If she goes to the expensive places then act annoyed and begrudgingly towards her until she takes the fucking hint. Feel free to take personal offense to her eye for expensive fashion and say stuff like “I’ll be outside washing the gay off of me” That should get her out of the store. Take her to FYE and see what DVD’s she looks at. If they are good ones then propose to her on the spot. If she goes directly towards “The George Lopez Show” on DVD then run out of the store and leave her ass at the mall. She isn’t worth your time!

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