Rondo for Paul? The Guy Breaks It Down

 

Ahhhhhh, the NBA. The Guy feels like a rejected ex-girlfriend. After getting spurned over and over again, for some odd reason I still keep coming back for more. I know, I know; the Guy went out of his way yesterday to diss the league and also questioned the potential of the Celtics’ future. Believe me; I’m still tempering my expectations on the quality of this upcoming season. But you know what might be even more exciting than the actual season itself? The next four weeks. Just like the chaos that ensued after the NFL reinstated its season, the entire NBA offseason and all of the player movement that should have been occurring over the summer is now condensed into one four-week period. This literally means there will be non-stop trade rumors and free agent signings every single day. If you are a nerd like me, you’re definitely pumped for this. And considering how my man Danny Ainge likes to wheel and deal, the fun is only beginning for Celtics fans. Now, I believe in Danny. I trust in Danny. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Danny Ainge will fix this team and give them a future. When the Boston Celtics open the season on Christmas Day against the Knicks, I guarantee you the roster will look significantly different. The million dollar question is whether or not the C’s front office believes it can make a run at one more title with their current core. Do KG, Ray Ray, and the Truth have one last hurrah left in them? That remains to be seen. However, it is the rest of the roster that needs a serious makeover, and that makeover centers around one man: Rajon Rondo.

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The Guy Talks Lost Money

“There's a cynical old saying that "no good deed goes unpunished." That adage has proved true for an elderly Illinois man who accidentally gave away his entire life savings when making a clothing donation to his local Goodwill.

The 80-year-old man, who didn't trust banks, had kept his life savings of $13,000 sewn inside the lining of one of his suits. He is currently appealing for the money's return so that he can care for his wife, who has Stage 4 cancer.”-(Credit: Yahoo )

                I don’t want to make fun of this man because his wife is battling cancer but I mean come on. I’m gonna take the high road here and not insult him. He is a good man who made a mistake that cost him big so I’m gonna take it easy on him. I won’t bring up the fact that he gave away his life savings. I won’t bring up the irony of how he didn’t trust banks so he sewed all his money into a suit and then gave that suit away to a charity store where a bum will probably buy it and piss all over it. I won’t say that since his life savings is only $13,000 he probably shouldn’t be giving anything to Good Will anyway. The Guy isn’t gonna say anything like that. The Guy is going to take the high road here. I’m not gonna say that only a complete fool would not check to make sure the suit he is going to donate to charity isn’t the one that doubles as his bank. I’m not going to say that maybe you shouldn’t give away that one suit that holds all of your money in it. I won’t say that maybe investing in a safe would have been a better idea.

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The Guy Talks Breaking, Entering, and Friendship

‘In his lawsuit, 25-year-old Jessie Dimmick of Aurora, contends that after breaking into Jared and Lindsay Rowley's Topeka-area home while fleeing police, he and the couple reached a legally binding, oral contract that they would hide him for an unspecified amount of money. Dimmick, who is representing himself, is seeking $235,000.

"As a result of the plaintiffs breech (sic) of contract, I, the defendant suffered a gunshot to my back, which almost killed me. The hospital bills alone are in excess of $160,000, which I have no way to pay," Dimmick wrote in his civil suit filed last month in Shawnee County District Court.

The Rowleys said that Dimmick held them at knifepoint, and a neighbor told The Topeka Capital-Journal that the young couple were able to gain their kidnapper's trust "by eating Cheetos and drinking Dr. Pepper with him while watching the movie 'Patch Adams.’-(Credit: HuffPost )

                 I hate to say it but a deals a deal. If The Guys father has taught me one thing it is to always keep my word. This man was promised a place to hide after illegally breaking into someone’s house and kid napping them. He should have been given that place to hide. Isn’t this America? I thought this was America? You gave him your word! You can’t just give a man Cheetos and Dr. Pepper (which is arguably the best snack combo ever) and then call the police when he falls asleep watching “Patch Adams”. How did that even happen by the way? This man bust in these peoples house and holds a knife to their throats and is all like “I’m taking over this house!” “Don’t kill us please. We were about to watch ‘Patch Adams’” “Well...you could still pop it in I guess....no use watching a blank screen” “Awesome. Do you want some Cheetos and Dr. Pepper?” “Does a bear shit in the woods?”

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The Guy’s Talking Basketball

So in case you didn’t hear the news over the Thanksgiving weekend, the NBA lockout is over. Basketball is back. The 2011-2012 season will tip off on Christmas Day, and somehow, someway, the league is going to cram 66 games between December 25^th and April 26^th. The Guy is pretty curious how everyone feels about this whole thing. I mean, for starters there’s no bigger turn off in sports than a lockout (unless you’re the NFL of course). As it is, the NBA has had some trouble marketing itself to real basketball fans. I don’t know about you, but the idea of this league being strictly about who has the most superstars is sickening. That’s not what basketball is about. I’ve been sick of LeBron. I’ve been sick of Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. I’ve been sick of the fact that team-oriented basketball gets you nowhere in this league. I’m not gonna lie when I tell you that I was kind of looking forward to a winter with just college basketball and hockey. And I was even more excited when I realized that I might not have to see LeBron’s stupid face on my television every fucking day (In case you can’t tell, I despise LeBron James). Anyway, this lockout was so gross on so many levels; I can only imagine that it turned even more fans away. Now, before I get turn into too much of a negative nancy here, let it be known that the Guy is a huge Celtics fan. So huge. I bleed, piss, and sweat green. So it’s not that I’m not excited to see the C’s make one more push towards a title, because I am. The NBA just pisses me off, that’s all. It pissed me off before the lockout. Now it pisses me off even more. The Guy has stayed quiet on this issue for a few months now, so just consider this an airing of grievances. Now that I’ve blown off some steam, let’s move along.

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The Guy Gives Gaga A Dose Of Reality

“Lady Gaga says she's destined for spinsterhood, since she always seems to attract guys who resent her success.

"I have this effect on people where it starts out good," she tells Vanity Fair's January issue. "Then, when I'm in these relationships with people who are also creative, or creative in their own way, what happens is the attraction is initially there and it's all unicorns and rainbows. And then they hate me."

"Perhaps it's a whose-(bleep)-is-bigger contest," she says. "If I go to the piano and write a quick song and play it back, they are angry with how fast and effortless it is. That's who I am, and I don't apologize for it. But it's a hideous place to be in when someone that you love has convinced you that you will never be good enough for anyone. I had a man say to me, 'You will die alone in a house bigger than you know, with all your money and hit records, and you will die alone.'"-(Credit: Yahoo )

                That’s it. Yup you are right. Guys just hate you because you are successful. That’s the only reason. Guys are breaking up with this loaded, bigger than life, celebrity because you are successful. You are worth millions upon millions of dollars but guys are breaking up with you because they can’t handle how successful you are. That is why guys hate you. Did you ever think that maybe guys hate you because you have your head so far up your own fucking ass that you don’t realize what reality is? Guys hate you because you love yourself too much. You can never get enough attention. It’s all about you. It’s very clear from your life style. No one is bigger than Gaga and you let people know it! No one tells someone that they are going to die alone with a bunch of money in a big house because they are jealous of their success. That is how someone who is in love with themselves sees it. That is how an insane person sees it. That’s like The Situation saying “people hate me because I tell it like it is” No people hate you because you’re a talentless asshole.

                Do you even listen to yourself talk Gaga? “ If I go to the piano and write a quick song and play it back, they are angry with how fast and effortless it is. That's who I am, and I don't apologize for it.”  You might as well say “would you fuck me? I’d fuck me” Earth to Gaga, you write songs so easily because your songs are mindless dribble. Your lyrics have no substance. You have a great voice I will give you that but your songs suck. You suck. You are the worst type of person. You only care about yourself and the attention given to you but you try to make people believe that you are a caring person. You are not. You only care about yourself. While I’m ranting about her, let me just say what’s up with the costumes? Don’t saying “She’s original” and “she looks good” because she’s not and she doesn’t. No one thinks those stupid outfits look good. You look insane. No wait, that’s rude to insane people. Insane people would look at Gaga and feel better about themselves. “Yea I wear a cape and eat wooden spoons but at least I don’t wear a dress made of meat” Gaga do us all a favor and drop this “guys hate me because I’m successful” bull shit. Guys hate you for one reason. Guys hate you because you are incapable of loving anyone besides yourself. Yea I said it.

Big B-day shout out to my girl H-squared! 22 years of skanking around! Proud of you!

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The Guy Reflects On Crazy Insurance Claims

               

                   The Guy is always out there, on the internet, looking for the profoundly stupid and incredibly weird things that you Ky Guys might be interested in reading about. I stumbled across a list of weird celebrity insurance claims on AOL and thought this might be something good to talk about. You got everything from hands to entire bodies that are insured for big bucks. We are talking millions if not billions of dollars here. For body parts! I understand that is how some of these celebrities make their living but if they were unable to do what they do would they be in financial hardship? Those millions you made when you were able aren’t good enough? I get that Keith Richards has his hands insured and Bruce Springsteen has his vocal cords insured because those are two things they need for their professions but some of the policies don’t make a lick of sense. Like Mariah Carey has her legs insured for $1 billion. What? Everyone knows when you think Mariah Carey you think legs right? Wrong. When I think Mariah Carey I think high pitched voice and Nick Cannon. You’re a singer. Last time I checked you can still sing without your legs.

                What’s the point of insuring body parts anyway? You insure your house and car because if they get damaged you can repair them. Does that go the same for body parts? Last time I checked you can get a new tire but a new leg is hard to come by. If you total your car insurance pays for a new one but if you lose both of your legs I don’t foresee those getting replaced. Do you just get the money? If that’s the case I’m taking out a big policy on my hands and then chopping one off. Boom. Easy cash. Never have to work again. I can survive with one hand. That can’t be it though because Troy Polamalu has his hair insured. What if he gets it cut? What if he goes bald? Does he just get the money? The Guy, like always, is confused here. If you will excuse me I’m gonna go look up ways to insure my wit because god knows I’m gonna lose that soon.

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The Guys Guide To Being Productive At Work

               

                 I’m gonna start off by saying I didn’t read this list put out by yahoo stating 8 ways to be productive during your day. Having said that, The Guy is here to tell you that the first step to being productive is not following this list. Yahoo always puts out of lists of ways to improve yourself that are always filled with stupid shit like “have a good breakfast” or something stupid like “take 2 minutes for you time”. That shit doesn’t work. The Guy will tell you some ways to be productive. I don’t know if I have 8 in me but I will try my best.

1.)    Don’t Listen to Yahoo- As stated before don’t follow any lists that Yahoo puts out. They are all fucking stupid.

a.       Always follow The Guys lists because I will never lead you astray.

2.)    Drink a Crap Ton of Coffee - The second step of being productive is staying awake. What are you gonna accomplish if you are asleep? Nothing. Get your coffee in or don’t even bother showing up.

3.)    Insult a co-worker- The most productive people are the ones with highest self esteem. Is there a better way to feel better about yourself then putting someone else down? The answer is no.

4.)    Look busy- As long as you look busy no one can tell you that you aren’t. “Hey The Guy do you have time to help me with this report?” “Does it look like I have time to help you?” Boom. Productive.

5.)    Wear a Suit- Doesn’t matter if you work as a fry cook at McDonalds or a CEO of a fortune 500 company. If you are wearing a suit then you are productive. That’s a fact.

6.)    Throw Unimportant Work Away- Does your desk look messy? Do you have too much work? Throw some away! Can’t do work that isn’t there can you? That way you accomplish more and get all work on your desk done!

7.)    Break Constantly- The best worker is a relaxed worker. Instead of taking one hour long lunch break take five twenty minute breaks….and an hour long lunch break. Hey a mans gotta eat right?

8.)    Leave Work Early- Nothing says productivity like working right up till quitting time. Best way to do that is to leave work 15 minutes early. You’ve been working hard! You earned it!

“The Guy those seem like ways to look productive without actually being productive!” I’m not really seeing what you’re getting at here. Anyway, use this guide and you’ll be out of work before you know it! TAKE IT!

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The Guy Reacts to Another Sunday

Sunday came and went without must excitement. Tom Brady shredded another defense. Tim Tebow pulled another comeback victory out of his ass. Indy lost another game. Houston lost another starting quarterback. Oh and, Stevie Johnson turned another page in the “epic touchdown celebration book” with his “Plaxico Burress getting shot in the leg” impression in the end zone. Yup. Just another Sunday in the NFL…

The Patriots have to feel good about this win over the Eagles. Sure, Vince Young is no Michael Vick, but regardless, the Philadelphia offense could do nothing right. New England’s secondary (which is getting paid about 100 million dollars less than that heralded Eagles’ secondary) put together one of its’ better performances of the season. Everyone chipped in; even Julian “The Finger Blaster” Edelman was making plays back there. What’s next? OchoCinco at strong safety? Zoltan Mesko at middle linebacker?  Ignore the fact they allowed 400 yards through the air. No seriously, the Eagles were down the entire game; they had no choice but to throw the ball. The Pats jumped out to that early lead that we have come to know and love, and in doing so, rendered LeSean McCoy and the Eagles running game completely useless. I’m sure Bill Belichick was happy to see Young throw 48 times; I know I was. That’s the formula for success around here. Bend but don’t break, baby! The Patriots may have allowed more yards than any team in the NFL this season, but they’re 10^th in the NFL in points. Last time I checked that’s all that matters.

Anywho, we’ll have a real barn-burner next week when the Colts come to town. That was a joke. Curtis Painter is a joke. The Colts are a joke; and they are five losses away from going the dreaded 0-for-16. Can they sneak out a win against New England, Baltimore, Tennessee, Houston, or Jacksonville? Well, the first two are on the road, and even if it was in Indy, I’d say no. Even if it was 11-on-10 for three quarters, I’d say no. At home against the Titans is a possibility, but Chris Johnson has finally emerged from his slumber. Plus, Tennessee still has a lot to play; they’re only two games behind a Texans team that lost their starting QB once again. First Matt Schaub goes down for the year, and now Matt Leinart is most likely lost for the season. Next in line is TJ Yates, who was a seventh round pick out of North Carolina. He’s not a gunslinger by any means, but he’s a good decision maker. Well, hopefully he’s smart enough to know to feed it Arian Foster and Ben Tate, because that’s all they ready need to do. We’ll see how Yates responds, but it still would be a shock to see the Colts top the Texans. Indy wraps up the season with a trip to Jacksonville, which for some reason is never an easy place to play, so yeah, they’ll probably go 0-16. Ok, we need to move along now because that was enough AFC South talk for a lifetime…

On a different subject, I’ve made it very clear the Guy is not a Tebowist. The Guy does not ride the Tebow Train. It has nothing to do with his personality; I just don’t think he’ll pan out in the long run. But right now the Tebow gimmick is working. He can’t throw the ball, so the Broncos don’t ask him to. They force it on the ground, and to me, it’s really intriguing to watch. Tebow and McGahee has 22 carries each! Tebow only totaled 67 yards, but like Mike Alstott 2.0, he just wore down the Chargers defense. He only completed nine passes, but he connected on the ones he needed to. Most importantly, he took care of the football, which is the number one most critical aspect of each and every NFL game. I still don’t think he has a lengthy career in this league, but the idea of their offense being built around him is one of the most interesting subplots of the season. I’m not here to give the credit to Tebow, though. It’s the defense. The defense is the reason the Denver Broncos are still alive in the AFC West. Who would have thought that Oakland and Denver would be vying for a playoff spot? The Raiders did just enough to beat the Bears (fuck da bears) on Sunday, and it seems like they do just enough to win every game. The win over Caleb Hanie and Chicago is also further proof that God hates Bears fans. The Bears suck.

Speaking of suck, something actually caught my eye out in the lowly NFC West. Cardinals’ rookie Patrick Peterson became the first player in NFL history to return four punts for a touchdown in one season; and it’s only been 11 games. He probably has another one up his sleeve, unless everyone in the league collectively decides not to kick to him. This kid is something else. The fact that Beanie Wells ran for 228 yards also caught my eye, but then again it was against the Rams. David Wells could torch that front seven. Orson Welles could give you 200 yards, at least. Oh wait, he’s dead? He could probably still hit the century mark. The Rams are that bad against the run. Ok, that’s enough from me. Happy Monday everyone! Fuck Da Bears all week long! Caleb Hanie fo’ lyfe!!!!!!!

Like KyGuy on Facebook and Follow @KyGuyInc on Twitter…or Julian Edelman will finger blast you in inappropriate places you don’t want to be finger blasted…

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The Guy Talks Spelling And Robbery

“The 16-year-old burglar was told to write a letter of apology as part of an Intensive Supervision and Surveillance Programme (ISSP), a non-custodial plan for young offenders.

"To be honest I'm not bothered or sorry about the fact that I burgled your house. Basicly (sic) it was your own fault anyways (sic). I'm going to run you through the dumb mistakes you made."

The young offender went on to say the victim failed to draw their curtains before they went to sleep and were "thick enough" to leave their downstairs window open.

"But anyways I don't feel sorry for you and Im (sic) not going to show any sympath (sic) or remores (sic)," the teen concluded.”-(Credit: Reuters )

                Preach brother! Preach! That is how you write an apology letter. Boom! The Guy gets where this kid is coming from. Maybe if you weren’t so stupid you wouldn’t have gotten robbed. Sorry I’m not sorry. Plain and simple. Smart people don’t get robbed. Look it up in a book sometime. That is, of course, assuming you can read! Idiot! Please allow The Guy to preface his next statement with this statement. The Guy does not condone stealing or robbery of any kind. With that being said, this kid may just be a Ky Guy. “How can you say that The Guy?” Well for one thing his kid can’t spell for shit!  Everyone knows The Guy is a notoriously horrid speller. The Guy sympathizes with anyone who spells worse than him and this kid seems to take the cake or “cak” as he would spell it. In fact, I think it was this kid’s inability to spell that lead him to a life of crime. All the spelling freaks out there picked on him until he was lead to a life of robbery and deceit. You people did this. “What do you mean “You People” The Guy?” You know who I mean when I say “you people”. Yea, you “Words With Frienders” out there. You did this!

                Another reason this kid is a Ky Guy is the fact that he plays for keeps. He’s all like “Yea I robbed you. So what? You’re dumb for letting me rob you!” To top it all off he spells almost every word incorrectly. How do you feel after getting called dumb by someone who can’t even spell? Horribly. That’s how you feel! He probably can’t even spell his last name but he’s out there calling you dumb after he robbed you. He just doesn’t give a fuck. If I said it once I said it a thousand times. Who needs spelling? Not me and definitely not this kid! In fact he has inspired me to write an apology note to my friend for spilling a drink on his rug. “2 be completely onest with u I am not sorry for spillin grape joos on ur rug. U are dum for givin me a kup of grape joos to drink in ur howes. U shuld no that I wood spill the joos on ur rug wen u gave me the joos. Stop b-ing so fukin dum and I wont spill grape joos on ur rug. Ideot.” See what I did there? I spelled everything wrong! “How is that any different than every other blog you write?” Oh F off!

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A Thanksgiving Edition of the Guy’s Weekly NFL Picks

Let me start by reiterating that Thanksgiving is undoubtedly the Guy’s favorite holiday of the year. From today until Sunday, the Guy (much like the rest of America) will be on a non-stop eating, drinking, napping, and football watching-binge. It’s just wonderful, isn’t it? Sure, you can take part in the first three activities anytime you please. People might look down upon it, but whatever. Yet, as far as the football goes, there is no better week than this very week to consume the greatest sport on Earth. For starters, High School football is a Thanksgiving tradition here in New England, and lots of people around these parts (including the Guy) will be going watch their team play tomorrow. Also, if you like College Football, then this week is also certain to be one of your favorites. But most importantly, the tradition of Thanksgiving football in the NFL lives on; and it is better than ever. These days, we are blessed with not two, but three games on Turkey Day. Amen to that. So yeah, it’s a little bit earlier in the week than usual, but fuck it; here are the Guy’s picks for Week 12 in the NFL.

Detroit 34, Green Bay 31 – The Packers have to lose eventually right? The Lions have been waiting for a Thanksgiving in which they are actually relevant; and here it is. This has the makings of a shootout, but the biggest factor for Detroit might be that they rediscovered their running game with the rejuvenated Kevin Smith.

Miami 24, Dallas 21 – Both teams have won three in a row. Something has to give here, and the Dolphins have shown that they’re going to stay competitive the rest of the way. Plus, they’re out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, so what else do they have to lose?

San Francisco 20, Baltimore 16 – Everybody is raving about the “Battle of the Harbaughs” and how it might be one of the best games of the year. The Guy doesn’t get NFL Network at home. Usually I would be pissed about this; but I’ll probably be passed out by then so it’s cool.

Jacksonville 17, Houston 14 – This seems like a bold pick, but the Jaguars have an underrated defense that just might be good enough to give Matt Leinart some serious issues in his 2011 debut at quarterback.

NY Jets 23, Buffalo 7 – Both teams are reeling, and as much as I really wish I could say that the Jets might have some trouble here, the Bills have been so bad lately that I don’t see how they can possibly win this game. Either way, the loser of this matchup can say goodbye to any AFC title aspirations they had left in the tank.

Cincinnati 20, Cleveland 6 – The Browns should probably change their nickname to the Steamers. I think that would be much more accurate portrayal of the product they’ve put on the field this year.

Atlanta 30, Minnesota 13 – The Falcons have had some trouble putting away the teams they’re supposed to beat. If they struggle here, the Guy might have to reconsider their rank among the best in NFC.

Arizona 19, St. Louis 11 – To quote Peter Griffin, “OH MY GOD, WHO THE HELL CARES!!?!”

Carolina 33, Indianapolis 20 – Cam Newton has to be licking his chops here. I mean, Indy will get their points, but there is absolutely no one on that defense that can contain Killa Cam.

Tennessee 24, Tampa Bay 18 – Believe it or not, the Titans still have a decent shot at the playoffs. And with Chris Johnson finally awakening from his slumber, the Bucs will once again have their hands full here.

Oakland 28, Chicago 0 – Fuck Da Bears. Simple, yet powerful words. FDBSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Notice the extra S’s.

Washington 15, Seattle 12 –When you look at these two rosters, and the amount of injuries they have endured, and the lack of talent that remains; it is truly incredible that these two teams have combined for seven wins.

San Diego 28, Denver 13 – One day, Philip Rivers will stop throwing interceptions in clutch situations. It probably won’t be any time soon, but that doesn’t mean the Chargers can’t stop the Tebow Express.

NEW ENGLAND 31, PHILADELPHIA 27 – This one will be a lot closer than you think because of the speed the Eagles possess, especially on offense. But in reality, there’s no way that Philly D stops Tom Brady in crunchtime.

Pittsburgh 30, Kansas City 6 – I can’t imagine it’ll much fun for the Chiefs to get embarrassed on national television in back-to-back primetime games. Good luck, Tyler Palko.

New Orleans 32, NY Giants 26 – Finally, a Monday Night Football game with some meaning! Both teams have their respective divisions on the line, but remember this; the Saints can’t be stopped at home.

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Five W/ The Guy

Thanksgiving is upon us and that means an early edition of Five W/ The Guy! I know I know I spoil you!

Tony Romo- Tony Romosexual has been on fire as of late and This can only continue against the Dolphins defense. I mean sure they looked good against the Bills but at this point in the season who doesn't? I think Romo will continue his hot streak and will be a great guy to play this week.

Cedric Benson - Benson found the endzone a couple of times last week which was good to see as he had been struggling a little bit. This week he plays the god awful cleveland browns who have been getting torched on the ground all year. I feel confident that Cedric will find the endzone again and have a pretty big game.

Cam Newton- Killa Cam looked good and bad last week against the Lions. On one hand he threw a bunch of INT's and on the other hand he found the endzone on the ground and through the air. I cant decide what is more pathetic The Colts O or The Colts D. Cam is going to be running all over these guys and slangin touchdown passes like its his Job. "Hey Asshole it is his Job" lay off me voice in my head!

Chris Johnson - I have picked him before and he has let me down. CJ2K has been looking more like Laurence Maroney than one of the best backs in the league. Two weeks ago CJ had a phenomenal game and last week he played like horse shit but his match up against Tampa is favorable so he should have a decent showing...I hope.....I pray..... for the love of God Chris Johnson do something this week!

Beanie Wells - Might as well continue the tradition and pick the RB that is going against the Rams this week. Wells has played decent this year and as we all know the Rams run defense is uglier than Maggie Gyllenhaal. If you listen to anything I tell you then remember to always and I mean always play the runningback that is going against the Rams. It is as simple as that.

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The Guy Gives Thanks

Last night was the epitome of what Boston sports is all about. I mean, I don’t even know where to begin. What was better? Watching the Patriots mangle the Kansas City Quiefs for their second consecutive blowout victory? Or seeing the white-hot Boston Bruins knock off their arch-rival Montreal Canadiens for their ninth straight win? Rob Gronkowski plowing his way towards the record books with two more touchdowns? Or Andrew Ference returning from injury to score the game-winner in a thrilling 1-0 victory over Les Habitants? It’s difficult to pick one over the other, just as long as the attention around here has finally shifted towards the positive and not the negative. The negative? Yeah, it obviously entails the idea that the Celtics probably won’t have a season. The debacle that is also known as the Red Sox front office is that other giant elephant in the room. But this is a happy thoughts kind of blog! Happy thoughts make happy people! Right? RIGHT!?!?!?!?

Anyway, last night was a beautiful thing. I mean, do any of you KyGuys and KyGirls stop and think about how lucky we are right now? It’s the season of giving, so yeah, the Guy is feeling a little thoughtful as it is. But think about it. Gorgeous New England weather. Turkey. Stuffing. Being able to drink heavily, eat like a slob, watch football, and pass out all in the same five hour span. Waking up to leftover turkey and stuffing sandwiches, and then knowing that every female you’ve ever known is out shopping for Black Friday and that you can continue to drink and eat and pass out some more because the women won’t be around the bother you. It’s just an amazing time of the year.  That being said, it’s even more amazing in these parts because of what we are witnessing. “What are we witnessing, the Guy?” Well, wide-eyed little child in my mind who likes to ask me questions while I’m blogging, you’re witnessing something special. 

Let’s start in Foxboro, where Bill Belichick has assembled a pretty good defense; even though it’s made of castoffs and journeymen. He has given a former quarterback turned wide receiver turned cornerback in Julian Edelman significant snaps in the secondary, while handing out huge roles to guys named Sterling Moore, Philip Adams, and Antwaun Molden. He has molded a guy named Kyle Arrington, a one-time practice squad scrub who couldn’t get a job, into the league’s top ballhawk. He’s brought in guys like Andre Carter and Mark Anderson, who were either too old or not talented enough to play anywhere else, and turned them into one of the league’s best pass rush duos. Long story short, his idea of “team defense” has always been a big factor in the past. But this year, he got rid of the Meriweathers and the Boddens and the Haynesworths and every other talented player who had even the slightest “me first” attitude. He replaced them with hard-working scrubs and turned those scrubs into serviceable role players. It wasn’t the most seamless transition, but check out this D over the past few weeks. They’re finally getting it. And in all honesty, they’re only going to get better as they get healthier (see: Devin McCourty, Patrick Chung, Brandon Spikes, Dane Fletcher, and Jerod Mayo). We’ve been blessed with this offense for years. We’ve grown spoiled by Tom Brady and all the weapons that just keep emerging alongside him. But have you ever seen anything like this on the defensive side of the ball? Have you ever seen a team literally turn a pile of shit into a pile of gold? No? Thought so.

As for the magic on the ice, this one is even more simple to explain; B’s = unstoppable. I mean, the Bruins went from the bottom to the top in a matter of days. Sure, that is the NHL for you in a nutshell; but it’s the way they’ve gone on this run. The B’s just poured it on for days in the beginning, until they finally climbed out of the cellar. They averaged something like six goals a game for five or six games. Then, when the offense actually cooled off, the defense stepped it up. A one-goal win over New Jersey. A shootout win over Columbus. A one-goal win over Montreal. Can they keep it up? Maybe, maybe not.  But just five months ago this same team gave us an epic run to the Stanley Cup Finals, followed by an even more epic series with Vancouver. After shitting the bed to open up this season, the B’s finally realized they’re better than that. That their fans deserve better than that. They then proceeded to rape and pillage everything in their path en route to nine straight wins. Can they make it 10 in a row? Can Tyler Seguin continue his quest towards greatness? Can Tim Thomas continue to play like an age-less machine? There are a lot of questions to be answered in Boston. But honestly, fuck the questions. This is thanksgiving. This is America. This isn’t the time of the year to worry about what’s next. This is the time of year to sit back, enjoy the magic that we are all blessed to be a part of here in New England, and give thanks. And of course, get drunk as fuck and stuff face. Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims!

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The Guy Rate's Your Beer

Over the weekend The Guy made an appearance at the Boston Beer Summit. If you were there, you saw the KyGuy crew reppin the KyGuy T's (see our facebook page for pics). The turnout was great and so were some of the beers that showed up. Instead of hating on some of the poor quality beers, TheGuy is going to give you KyGuys out there some insight on the sleeper of the Summit "Narragansett Porter."

Now I know what you all are thinking: "Hey TheGuy, you're a fuckin moron.  Narragansett tastes like a homeless man's ball sweat."  But, alas, you are all just confusing the $1 Narragansett Light Beers you're chugging at the Hotel Vernon...Where there is a very good chance a homeless bum pissed in your beer when you were takin’ a dump in the bathroom. 

The Narragansett Porter is one beer that surprised the shit out of the guy.  It's a smooth darker beer with an Imperial taste which is 7% alcohol.  For all of you fudge packing chocolate lovers, this beer is brewed with chocolate malt.  Overall, The Guy thought this was the best beer at the summit and he wouldn't be surprised to see it making a comeback winter 2012.  But don't take our word, go try it http://www.narragansettbeer.com/wheretobuy .   

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The Guy Talks Avoiding Foods During The Holidays

                It’s no secret that The Guy loves his food. Guilty as charged. The Guy loves his food so when it comes to holiday time The Guy gets excited. So much good food just flowing like wine. I don’t know where to begin! It really brings a tear to me eye. Food is my drug so you can imagine the disdain I have for this list I found on health.com.”Really The Guy? You....” Let me cut you off their before your snide remark.  I know I was looking for trouble when reading health.com. Judging from my lifestyle, health.com is bound to rub me the wrong way but let’s just move past that already. Anyway health.com released a list of 50 things you should avoid eating during the holiday season. They had things like cakes, pies, and general sweets which I understand. If you are health conscious don’t eat sugary shit because it’s not good for you. Blah blah blah. You don’t tell me what to do! I’m a grown ass man! High calorie? The Guy doesn’t care about that, I’m gonna eat it anyway. Even though I don’t care about eating that shit, The Guy gets why that kind of stuff is on the list. Stuff that is high calorie should be avoided by someone who is trying to watch their weight. It’s not rocket science. The Guy doesn’t have a problem with that being on the list.

                However....”Here we go. The Guy doesn’t like something. Big surprise” Like I was saying...The Guy does have a problem with a different part of the list. This really grinds my gears. This list goes as far to say that you shouldn’t eat stuff like turkey, ham, pot roast, potatoes, and yams just to name a few things. If you can’t eat those things then what the fuck are you suppose to eat? You ruled out pretty much everything. You gotta hope that wherever you’re going has a nice garden salad because that is the only thing not on the list. I think this whole list is fucking stupid though. I understand that people want to lose weight and shit like that but it’s a holiday. It’s okay to cheat on a diet a little bit for one day. It’s not going to kill you. Do you really want to torture yourself by watching everyone else eat awesome food while you eat nothing but salad and uncooked vegetables? Keep in mind I’m probably the worst person to delegate out diet advise but if you don’t eat until you puke or have like 60 pieces of pie you should be alright. You will survive. Trust me on this one. Has The Guy ever steered you wrong before?

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The Guy Talks Ghosts Getting It On Again!

“For the last four months, Birch, a 73-year-old grandmother living in the British town of Herne Bay, is reportedly being kept up nights by a ghost who keeps groping her when she is trying to rest.

I've tried sleeping without the duvet, but it started shaking my mattress," she reportedly said. "I even threw the mattress off the bed and bought a new one but it has made no difference.””-(Credit: HuffPost)

Strange things are going on! Strange things I tell ya! Ghosts are just acting out all the time now. First a woman walks in on ghosts having sex now we have ghosts groping grandmas and shit. What next? Ghost porn? Ghost strip clubs? Seriously though what is going on with ghosts now a days. They can’t just stick to haunting people anymore?  That isn’t cutting it for them. They need more. The screams and terror of innocent people isn’t cutting it anymore! Are you not entertained? You need to be getting your freak on all the time? Show some class. Maybe I’m judging ghosts too soon though. Maybe I need to look at this in a different light. The way I see it is this story could mean one of two things. One being that grandma has lost her mind. That seems reasonable. The other thing could be that ghosts are just crazy horny. I don’t see any other possibility.

 Let me ask you this. Is her husband dead? “Why is that relevant The Guy?” Well maybe it’s the ghost of her husband trying to get one last hurray before finding the light. Can’t blame a ghost for trying can you? If it’s not her husband then this is just creepy. I mean come on ghost. It’s cool with consent but this lady obviously doesn’t like it. Leave her be. There is no need to get upset when she doesn’t want that strange ghost stuff. Seriously! There’s no need to be shaking her mattress if she doesn’t give it up. No need at all. Stop trying to intimidate her. No means no! Even to a ghost! Ghost rape! Ghost rape! What if this ghost isn’t just harassing her though. What if it’s doing this to a bunch of people. “What are you trying to say The Guy?” There’s obviouslyyyyy a ghost rapist in Herne Bay and he’s rapping everyone up in here. Hide ya kids Hide ya wife’s hide ya grandmas!

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Week 11 According to The Guy

The Guy is here once again to take a look back at another glorious weekend in the NFL. Why so glorious, you might ask? Well, anytime Jay Cutler breaks his thumb and has to get surgery, which will cause him to miss the end of the regular season, the Guy smiles from ear to ear. I mean, this alone is further proof that God is not a Bears’ fan. FUCK DA BEARSSS!! FDBSSSSSS!! Let the Caleb Hanie era begin!!!

Let’s start with Thursday night’s shit show in Denver. That right there was a battle of two terrible quarterbacks. Yes, Tim Tebow wins games. Yes, he is a beast of man to tackle in the open field. But have you honestly seen him throw a football? It’s a disgrace to REAL quarterbacks across the country. Tebow is a glorified running back. The Guy feels that you could put Adrian Peterson or Darren McFadden in the shotgun and get the same result. As much as I diss the guy, I kind of feel bad for Tebow. You can tell John Elway can’t wait to finish this experiment, regardless of how Denver finishes down the stretch. Hey, want to hear the good news, Tim? You’re not nearly as atrocious as Mark Sanchez. God damn, that guy is flat out awful.

The New York Jets loss to Denver was part of what made this weekend so glorious. But how about those Bills? It was once the feel good story of the year, but now the Buffalo Bills are in the middle of a nightmare. They’ve been blown in back-to-back weeks by the Cowboys and the Miami Dolphins. The Bills have been losing starters to season-ending injury left and right, and are all but out of the race for the AFC East as Fitzpatrick and company continue to crumple. No Bills, no Jets, no Dolphins; the East is for the taking. And it will obviously be taken by the New England Patriots, who won’t lose a game for the rest of the regular season. You think Tyler Palko and the Chiefs are going to stop them tonight? Thought so. Their schedule the rest of the way is cake too.

As for the AFC, Baltimore’s win over Cincinnati helps us all realize that the Ravens are still the team to beat in the AFC North, despite their erratic play on the road. It also helps us come to terms with the fact that the Bengals aren’t really that good. The future is bright with Andy Dalton and AJ Green alone, but this ain’t your year, Cincy. The Guy likes the Pats to win the East, the Raiders to win the West, the Texans (even without Matt Schaub) to win the South, and the Ravens to win the North. The Steelers are a lock for a wild card spot. But that final wild card could be something to watch for. The Jets, Bills, Bengals, Broncos, and Titans are all possibilities. Hell, even the Chiefs, Chargers, and Browns are mathematically in the mix. If the fuckin’ Dolphins or Jaguars win out, they could be in contention. It’s just a mess in the AFC, and quite frankly, it’s a down year for them compared to strength of the NFC.

Speaking of the NFC, the playoff picture is finally shaping up in that conference. The Giants loss to the Eagles last night shakes up the NFC East, as the Cowboys and Giants are both in the mix at 6-4. More importantly, the Eagles (4-6) aren’t quite dead yet. It should be fun to see where this goes, but for the record, I don’t see any of those teams competing for the wild card. The Packers and Niners have basically locked up their divisions, while the Lions (7-3) and Saints (7-3) seem to be on their way to the postseason as well. That leaves the Bears (7-3), who are going to have a hell of time down the stretch with the man, the myth, the legend Caleb Hanie at QB, and the Falcons (6-4) in the race for that final spot. If I had to make a bold prediction, I’d say that Green Bay, San Francisco, New Orleans, and New York win their divisions, while Detroit and Atlanta lock up the wild card. Dallas, Chicago; you guys both suck and I’ll never pick you to win anything.

One final thought for the Guy; this is the year of the rookie quarterback. I mean, none of these rookies (aside from maybe Andy Dalton) are going to put their teams in the postseason. However, this class has changed the landscape of several franchises. Cam Newton has completely turned around the Panthers, despite their 2-8 record. Christian Ponder gives the Vikings a reason to once again have faith in the purple people eaters. Andy Dalton of course has done wonders with the Bengals. Blaine Gabbert, as much as you’ve sucked this year, at least Jacksonville has a glimpse of hope for the future. Even Jake Locker saw some action on Sunday and looked pretty good. Ryan Mallett hasn’t seen the light of day this year; but I assure you he will be the heir apparent to Tom Brady one day. There’s no question an underlying theme to this season has to be the play of these rookie quarterbacks. I get the feeling in ten years, we’ll look back at this draft class as one of the best there ever was.

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The Guy Doesn't Like The No Fun Police

 “Boston-based World Against Toys Causing Harm (WATCH) on Wednesday issued its annual list of the 10 worst children's toys, just in time for the shopping frenzy that typically starts in late November.

James Swartz, a director of WATCH, demonstrated the "Z-Curve Bow," a foam bow and arrow set recommended for kids eight and over.

A warning label suggested the bow should not be pulled back "at more than half strength" and that "anyone at close distance to the target should be alerted" before firing.

"That is a weapon," Swartz said, shooting an arrow into a wall with a loud thud.

Also featured was a "Fold & Go Trampoline" which came with the warning it should only be used for controlled bouncing.

"What young child has the ability, the desire, the knowledge to use it in that manner?" said Swartz. "That's not possible in the real world."”- (Credit: Reuters )

                Everyone run! It’s the no fun police. No fun is allowed on Christmas morning. I’m sure if it was up to this guy, kids wouldn’t play with toys at all. You can tell us your name is James Swartz but we all know who you are, Burgermeister Meisterburger. I’d recognize that mug anywhere. I’m surprised he hasn’t yet issued a ban on toys. Listen, every toy has some sort of danger involved with it but as long as your kid isn’t an idiot then he won’t get hurt. This is a fact. For the record a foam bow and arrow set is not a weapon. It is for the foam archer in a world of Nerf guns. It’s time for the Nerf bow to rise like the days of ole! I also like how he said no kid knows how to “bounce in a controlled manner”. How about you tell your kids not to bounce like a maniac and there won’t be a problem. Here’s a better idea. Watch your kids! I know, it’s a crazy concept. Watch them and make sure they are bouncing in a controlled manner and the trampoline will not kill them. I promise you that.

What is this guy’s problem anyway? He is trying to get all the cool toys taken away. I can only assume this guy had no friends when he was growing up. All the people that try to take fun away usually were picked on as kids. Or he was the type of person who always had the worst toys. He was the kid with a regular gameboy when everyone else had a game boy color. He was the kid that always thought things were “too dangerous”.  You know that kid that was like “Don’t swing too high The Guy, the swing might snap and you’ll break your neck!” or “Don’t climb that tree The Guy if you fall you will break your neck” or “Don’t hold onto the back of a car and rollerblade The Guy. You’ll break your neck!” Nerd. Get off me bro! Maybe if you take time having fun instead of wasting time looking at all the danger you would have more friends. Sorry I’m not sorry. I’m just doing my job and telling it like it is!

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The Guy Tries To Publish Childrens Books

                The Guy is curious here. The Guy is very, very curious. Allow me to elaborate. I happened upon a list of offbeat children’s books that are recommended for children to read on HuffPost. They have books about animals eating children. They have books about dinosaurs eating children. They have books about a dinosaur dealing with every one of its friends being dead.  They have books about aliens. All of which are recommended for children. Why am I confused you ask? The Guy is confused because all of these books are recommended for children but I have trouble getting my books published. What the fuck is up with that? What are they called you ask? I will tell you. Such titles as “So I Murdered My Parents And Threw Their Bodies In The Swamp”, “Beer Tastes Good”, “Hookers Aren’t People”, and “Stealing Is Borrowing Forever”. I have no idea why I cannot get these published. Yes those sound like they give children bad ideas but what is this world without a little bit of controversy.

                Besides I got more of these books lying around. I haven’t even mentioned “Your Mommy Is A Whore. That’s Why You Don’t Know Daddy”, “It’s Not My Fault You Smell Bad”, and “Being Different And Weird Is Bad”. “The Guy, these children’s book titles are wicked offensive” Come on, I haven’t even gotten to the bad stuff yet. Give me some time. I got other children’s books that go to different demographics such as “If You Get Reduced Lunch, You’re Poor”, “Your Dog Didn’t Run Away, It’s Dead”. and “Smoking Is FUN-damental”. Still not sold? Good thing I saved the best book for last. If this one doesn’t sell then I don’t know what will. I’m talking about my classic children’s book “FUCK! Herpes Again?!”. Recommended for ages 6-10. Okay, Okay. I’ll admit it. These titles are kind of controversial but let’s face it, kids are gonna learn these lessons sooner or later. So I ask you, would you rather have them learn from their stupid friends or from a drunk blogger? Think about it and get back to me.

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The Guys Guide To "Guy Cleaning"

                The Guy is good at many things. I’m good at eating. I’m good a blogging (sometimes). I’m good at drinking beer and I’m good at “guy cleaning”. What is guy cleaning you may ask? Well it has nothing to do with the things listed in this article from Yahoo. That stuff is for the birds. Guy cleaning is different. Guy cleaning shouldn’t necessarily be considered cleaning per say. It should be consider more of moving stuff around to appear cleaner.  For example, if a table is dirty the real way to clean it is spray it down with some cleaner, collect any debris on it and throw it away. The guy way of cleaning it is simply taking your hand and brushing the crumbs on the floor. There’s a stain? Welp a nice stack of magazines should cover that right up. “Then you vacuum up the crumbs right? That’s kind of an efficient way to clean!” Yea except if a guy doesn’t live with a girl he doesn’t own a vacuum. We will sweep stuff up ,with a broom or (if we don’t own a broom) our hand. We will make a pile of crap. What do we do with that pile? “Throw it away” Yes and no. If there is an open door nearby we will sweep the stuff out the door. Keep in mind this door could lead outside or it could lead to another room. As long as that’s not a room someone is going into were golden. If there is not a door nearby, just sweep it under the rug! Out of site out of mind.

                How do we clean our bathrooms? Good one. No guy cleans their bathroom. We spray Febreze, maybe empty our trash can, and that’s about it. As long as the bathroom smells good then it is considered clean. Might gross you out ladies but that’s the reality of it. On to our next topic. Dishes. How do we clean our dishes? If we have a dishwasher, we just load the dishes into there and baddabing they are clean within an hour. Simple. If we don’t have a dishwasher, those dishes are going in the sink for days. We will go until we can go no more. Once it gets to the point where we are drinking out of the measuring cups our mothers gave us for our apartment, then we will consider doing our dishes. Even then we will try and bribe a girl to do it. There is one thing a guy cleans up very well. Vomit. Sometimes it happens. You or your buddy drinks too much and you puke everywhere. No one wants to live in puke. It looks gross. It smells gross. It is gross. This is one of the only times we crack our cleaner and sponges. When someone pukes, we clean.  Don’t get me wrong, a guy can clean very well if under pressure. If, for instance, our parents are coming over then our apartment will look immaculate. Every square inch will be shining. Those times are few and far between though. That’s all I got for now. I hope this gives you some sort of insight into “Guy Cleaning”.

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The Guy Gives You Places To Propose

                    The Guy is always looking for the perfect girl to share his media empire with. I’m always looking for the perfect KyGirl if you know what I mean. When I do finally find that lucky girl I’ll marry her. Yes it’s true. The Guy will settle down at some point. If I like it then I’ma put a ring on it. Ya digg? Any way so I found this list of 5 best places to pop the question on Yahoo. I mean these places are good if you are into that whole played out romantic proposal thing. Like these have all been done like 1000 times. The Guy is more original. The Guy has thought this over and luckily for you I have composed a list of places you should really try and pop the question. If you want her to say yes that is.

1.)    The Bar- I’m gonna keep this short and sweet. This is for the nervous guy. Two words for ya: Liquid Courage. That is all.

2.)    At Your Parents House- This way she has to say yes. If she says no, you can say something like “And you wonder why my whole family hates you” Then you and your family throw hot food at her while she runs out of the house crying like a baby. Grow up bitch.

3.)    Home- Yea. I said it. You two are sitting down, watching “Raising Hope” and you’re about to order pizza. You say something witty like “Cheese, pepperoni, or will you marry me?” Boom. Instant proposal….or break up….win win….

4.)    Wendys- “What The Guy? Are you for real. One on one with Shaquille O’neal?”  Yes I’m for real. What girl doesn’t like the old “diamond at the bottom of a frosty” proposal? Be careful though. She might eat it because if you are proposing at Wendys then you can’t afford too big of a ring.

5.)    Wal*Mart – Strange choice I know but let me set the scene. You and your lady love take to Wal*Mart to get a copy of “Still Waiting….” on dvd to watch during movie night when you tell her you’re gonna run and grab a bag of chips. You run to the candle aisle instead and light a bunch of candles (not Yankee Candles though because those shits are expensive). You text her “aisle 11” Right as she rounds the corner you play a Savage Garden CD you found in the discount bin. BOOM. Not only are you engaged but you’re getting laid in the bathroom.

There you go. Five kick ass places to get married. You’re welcome.

Credit to H Squared for the story

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