The Guy Looks Back At The NFL Weekend That Was

So the Guy has been hangin’ at the office today with a serious case of the Mondays. Just one of those days where you just can’t even keep your eyes open. Tired is an understatement, and while you’re drinking your fourth cup of coffee in an attempt to snap out of it, you start to think: what the hell happened this weekend? Maybe you’re still trying to figure out if that oriental girl in your threesome was Japanese or Korean. Maybe you’re wondering what ever happened to that midget who stole your wallet. Or maybe you just can’t remember what the fuck prompted you to get that Newt Gingrich tattoo on your inner thigh. Whatever the case may be, Monday’s are always confusing. And if you’re a football fan, this Monday is more confusing than ever before. I mean, I haven’t been this confused since I found out Taylor Hanson was a guy. Anyway, The Guy is here to dish out some thoughts on this Sunday; maybe I can try and help all of us figure out what the hell happened…

-For starters, the Patriots got crushed. This game was more lopsided than the score indicated. Honestly, of all the shenanigans that happened in the NFL over the weekend, this outcome is one of the least surprising. Leigh Bodden’s release on Friday was the first red flag. Ras-I Dowling being placed on the injured reserve was the second. The Steelers, unlike in the past, have shifted towards a passing offense that features some pretty damn good receivers. Mike Wallace is blazing fast and is without a doubt one of the best young receivers in the league, so the Patriots were forced to key in on him. That paved the way for Big Ben Rapelisberger to pick apart the single coverage and exploit every single freakin’ mismatch. And there were a lot of them. Simply put, the Steelers torched the Patriots’ secondary. Each New England defensive back got burnt repeatedly, despite the solid pass rush. That unit needs some serious help. Not a lot of positives to take out of this one defensively except for another decent game from the D-line, the return of Jerod Mayo, and the continued emergence of Brandon Spikes against the run (although he gets beat in coverage way too often.)

-The offense was a huge disappointment. I will say that as a huge Kevin Faulk fan, his return to the lineup was one of the Guy’s favorite moments of the season. This guy can still do it all. He is by far the best running back when it comes to catching passes out of the backfield and picking up blitzes. In this offense, that’s huge. Not to mention he led the team in rushing. Granted it was for 32 yards, but alright! Welcome back buddy! God, I missed you. The problem here is that at 35 years of age, Kevin Faulk was the only back who did anything, while the Law Firm, Stevan Ridley, and Danny Woodhead were all complete non-factors. Pittsburgh came in with a plan to stop the run and stop Wes Welker. 43 yards rushing? Yeah, they stopped the run. And six catches for anyone else is a lot; but it’s Welker, so yes the Steelers held him in check too. Gronk had a beast game as usual, Branch got open when it counted, as usual. Ocho Cinco sucked ass, as usual. Actually, the more I think about it, this team is developing a few flaws offensively. The biggest concern might be that Tom Brady can’t spread the ball around like the Tom Brady of old. Only five receivers caught passes yesterday (Welker, Gronk, Branch, Faulk, Hernandez). So, umm…where the hell is everyone else? Did they catch Ocho Cinco disease? Did they dress up in their invisible face freddy kruger hand costume too?

- Elsewhere around the league, the Guy was pretty baffled to find out that the Rams managed to knock off the Saints. I mean, these were AJ Feeley led Rams. I couldn’t think of a phrase as unintimidating as that. It had to be that New Orleans was still celebrating their 55-point shellacking of the Colts. When you put a 62-spot on the scoreboard, it’s hard to go from there. Like, that’s probably as good as it’s ever gonna get. Might as well pack it in, right?

-So wait, the Saints lost to St. Louis by 10. Yet, the Rams were 0-6 coming into this game. And those same Saints destroyed Indianapolis the week before…Then how bad is Indianapolis? “Really bad, the Guy!” Thanks voice in my head. Fuckin’ Captain Obvious over here. Yeah, Indy improved their record to scorching hot 0-7 with another loss, this one to the Titans. A banner year for those Colts.

-Speaking of banner years, how about Chris Johnson? Is this guy a genius or what? “I’m gonna hold out until the Titans give me the fattest contract any runnin’ back ever seen, then I’m gonna half-ass my way through the rest of the season cuz I ain’t tryin’ to get hurt. I got fat dough stacks so why should I try and work hard and stuff.” I guarantee you that’s exactly what he’s thinking. 34 yards on 14 carries…against the Colts?!?! That’s the only explanation.

-Speaking of thinking, that’s what the Denver Broncos weren’t doing when they drafted Tim Tebow. And then again what they weren’t doing when they opted to start him over Kyle Orton. Must be that mile high air or something. Granted, the kid doesn’t get much help from the defense, but Denver was able to successfully run the ball. That’s how you set up the pass. Unless, of course, you can’t throw the ball downfield like Tim Tebow. He had something like six completions through the first three quarters. He fumbled three times to go along with an interception. He was sacked seven times. Denver lost to Detroit, 45-10. I bet you can guess where this is going…

-Oh, by the way, the Dolphins lost again. They lost by three after a fourth quarter rally from the Giants. This came a week after Tim Tebow’s “comeback” against the Fish. The Miami situation is messier than Michael Moore’s underwear. Can there be two 0-16 teams? Can there, Pop? Please? Golly, that sure would be a lot of fun.

 -Alex Smith has evolved into one of the league’s best game managers, and San Francisco can wrap up the NFC West before Thanksgiving. Buffalo and Cincinnati are now each 5-2, and both have the same record as New England and Baltimore. Shit is just getting weird. Could The Guy be any more confused? Now all we need is for Kansas City and San Diego to break out into a high stakes game of “toss the wood” during the middle of tonight’s MNF game. Todd Haley gets concussed by a 50-pound stump. Philip Rivers gets severely impaled by a 2 and a half two foot splinter. Seven offensive linemen are left for dead. The crowd goes wild. At that point, I’ll have seen everything in this god damn league. But hey, at least there is one form of consistency though. No one likes the Bears. FDBSSSSSSSSS fo’ lyfe!

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The Guy Guesses What They Did Before Power

(Picture Credit: DaveShakleFord )



                 The Guy needs to rant. I’m going insane. I really think so. How the hell did people live without power? I haven’t had it for like a day and a half and I’m losing my fucking mind. I can’t do anything I usually do. I can’t watch TV, I can’t play video games, I can’t go on the internet. All I’ve been doing is sitting in the dark yelling at squirrels that pass by my window. What the fuck am I suppose to do? Go outside? Nope. I don’t like to go outside when it’s nice out let alone when it’s cold and miserable outside. I’m too old to enjoy playing in the snow so if I did go outside all I would do is be cold and miserable. Yes the inside of my house is cold and yes I’m miserable inside the house but at least there are couches I can sit on. Plus everyone knows the best part of playing in the snow is getting all cold and then going inside to warm up and drink some fucking hot chocolate or some shit like that. With no power you go outside and freeze then you come inside….and fucking freeze some more! Lose lose situation here. Want some hot chocolate? Hope you brought a fucking fire and old fashioned coffee pot because we have no electricity to heat it up. Want something that isn’t peanut butter and jelly? Too bad that’s all we can fucking make because we have no power! You wanna drive somewhere to get away from it all? Oops the roads are slippery as shit so if you do drive somewhere you will probably crash and be stuck outside in the freezing cold some more. Why don’t you call for help? That’s right I couldn’t charge my cell because we have no power.

                “You know how spoiled you sound right now?” Get off your high horse voice in my head. You know you were complaining about all this shit earlier too. Seriously though, what did they do in the old times when power wasn’t even invented? Read books? What am I 50? I can’t read a book. I mean I can read a book, I know how to read but I’d go insane from the boredom. I wonder if they just did physical labor and called it a game. “Hey son, let’s play chop the wood!” “Oh father I don’t enjoy playing chop the wood! Thank you very much for the suggestion!” “It’s not a fucking suggestion chop the fucking wood or I’ll beat your ass with a branch” I imagine that was the game for most fathers back then. You know “beat the children” or “beat the wife”. “Isn’t this fun dear?” “Yes. No. You win! You lose! Whatever I can say to make this stop!” HAHA everyone enjoys a good domestic violence joke. Am I right? Moving on, H squared said her grandfather would whittle wood by the fire. I don’t have the patience or the steady hand to do that. I don’t know if I could play with wood. I imagine a lot of things they did back then included wood. I could play “pass the wood” maybe. I don’t know if I could get anyone to play that and it would probably end with tons on splinters. Maybe that’s not such a good idea. I could play “wood toss”. Just go outside and toss wood with some friends. I mean I’d obviously be the strongest one and would win every time so it would probably get boring quickly. Side bar “toss wood” and “pass the wood” sounds kind of dirty. Note to self think of definitions for “toss wood” and “pass the wood”. Anyway, I really don’t know what people did back then. “Anyone wanna play who’s in my mouth? No? Fuck it I’ll play alone” Yes that’s kind of fucked up but I really can’t fathom what they would do. Welp that was my rant. If you need me I’ll be alone, in the dark, tossing wood.

P.S.  Yes I know a while back I said I like the snow and I do. I just hate not having power okay? Sheesh!

P.P.S. Tells us what you do without power by liking TheGuy on facebook and following KyGuyInc on twitter!

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The Guy Gives You Some Last Minute Halloween Costumes

                The Guy was reading up on last minute Halloween costumes on Yahoo and most of them suck. Luckily for you people The Guy is here to help you out “What do you do you know about last minute Halloween costumes?” Ummm Just about everything. Do you wanna see the photo of my “invisible face freddy kruger hand” costume? Do you? Yea I didn’t think so. So here is a nice list of things you can be tonight if you haven’t got a costume already. Though most of my costumes are adults themed and seeing as most adult themed Halloween parties are over this may be too little too late but bare with me here.

Whores- Ladies should never have a problem finding a costume. You’re costumes are so simple it’s not even funny. All you have to do is throw on push up bra, get a low cut shirt, and throw something on your head. Throw on cat ears and you’re a sex kitten. Throw on a cowboy hat and you’re a sexy cowgirl. “But The Guy I have broad shoulders” No problem KyGirl all you got to do is throw on a football helmet and you’re a sexy linebacker. Yea I know I don’t know why people don’t pay me for these ideas.

Burglar- Probably one of my best/simplest costumes I’ve ever made. I went as a burglar two years running. Wanna know why? Because it’s so simple. All you need is a black shirt and a winter hat. You got a gun? Bring it along and make your costume seem real! (Please do note The Guy does not endorse unnecessary gun-related violence)

                “Here with bells on”- Me and The Boy With Glasses were trying to think of some unique Halloween costumes when we threw this hat in the ring. The only materials you need for this is a shirt and at least two bells. Fasten these bells to your shirt and when someone asks you what you are you say “I’m here….with bells on”. Yea I know I can’t believe you never thought of this before.

                70’s Porn star/Stripper - Can you grow a mustache? If yes then your golden. If no then go to I-party and buy one for 2 dollars you cheap fuck. Throw on some jean shorts and a button up flannel, roll up the sleeves, and unbutton the top 5 buttons. BOOM. Feel free to creep every out around you. If you want to make it even creepier, dress up like a cop and once you ring the door bell say “I got a complaint about someone breaking the laws of sexy”

                Tired- All you need for this a white T and some markers. What you do is color the shirt to appear as if there is a skid mark over you. Another option would be (if you have an extra tire lying around) to sling a tire over your shoulders. When people ask you what you are, you answer in annoyance that you are in fact “Tired”. Yup I’ve done it again.

                Hammered-  Simple yet dangerous. Take a hammer. Any kind of hammer will do. Take this hammer and bludgeon yourself in the fucking face. Then take said bloody hammer and carry it around with you. What am I? I’m hammered and possibly have some brain damage but who cares it’s Halloween!

                I’ve saved my two simplest costumes for last.

                Optimistic- All you need for this is your regular clothes and a smile. “Yo The Guy, wheres your costume” “I’m wearing” this is where you flash a big grin “That’s not a costume and stop smiling at me. What are you suppose to me?” “I’m optimistic” The best way to keep this costume up is to point out good solutions to every problem throughout the night.

                Drunk- My favorite costume. It’s simple yet sophisticated. It’s classy yet not even remotely classy at all.   All you need is a handle of vodka. You down that baby and waddle your way to wherever you’re going. When asked what you are you replay “I’m drunk!” Boom. Perfect costume and you got an excuse to puke in their blender. WIN WIN BABY!

                I know what you’re thinking. “What the hell are you on?” Hope. That’s what I’m on. Now go and use these costumes and thank me later!

What? You wanna thank me now? Thank me by Liking TheGuy on facebook and following KyGuyInc on twitter!

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The Guy Brings the Heat for Week 8

It’s fire time KyGuys and KyGirls! Time for the Guy to spit hot fire at all y’all. It’s time for the Guy’s week 8 NFL picks.  Week 7 was wacky, man. I mean, did you see Baltimore getting shut down by the Jaguars? Did you think the Raiders would play that poorly against the Chiefs? Did you expect the Saints to drop 62 fucking points on Indy? Probably not on all three counts. The NFL is seriously unpredictable this year…and the Guy ain’t complaining. The excitement is second to none. It just makes it a little bit harder to bet on these games. Err, umm, not that The Guy does that. That’s illegal. Yeah. Illegal. Anyway, here’s a shot in the dark for ya. A blind stab at what might happen this weekend in the unpredictable world of professional football. Here are the Guy’s thoughts on Week 8 might unfold. PS: Send nudes. Yeah, I’m talking to you Halle Berry.

Baltimore 27, Arizona 12 – I know, I know. The Ravens were embarrassingly awful against Jacksonville of all teams last week on Monday Night Football. But the problem with this team is simple; that they play like garbage on the road (see: Week 2 vs Tennessee) and are unstoppable at home. This one’s in Baltimore and the Cardinals are plummeting. I’m thinking the Ravens bounce back.

Carolina 30, Minnesota 25 – Gotta like some good ol’ fashioned rookie on rookie action. I do it all for the rookie. Come on the rookie…sorry got carried away. On the one hand, Christian Ponder has resurrected the Vikings from the dead. He wasn’t perfect, but he kept Minnesota in the game last week against Green Bay. Meanwhile, Cam Newton has done the same exact thing in Carolina, singlehandedly keeping an awful Panthers team afloat. This might actually be one of the weeks’ best games.

Houston 30, Jacksonville 13 – The Texans are an offensive force, with or without Andre Johnson, as long as Arian Foster is healthy. Scratch that, even Ben Tate has been torching defenses. Best offensive line in football? You bet. The Jaguars defense was lights out against Joe Flacco and the Ravens, but odds are they won’t repeat that here.

NY Giants 24, Miami 9 – Let’s say you’re driving down the highway, and everyone is driving like 85-90 mph; just driving like complete assholes, all over the road and shit. The cop that pulls out of the rest stop doesn’t even know who to pull over because everyone is being a shitbag. That’s pretty much the story of the 2011 Miami Dolphins. Everyone is playing like assholes, everyone is playing like shitbags; you can’t even single anyone out. It’s baaaaad.

New Orleans 42, St. Louis 7 – The Saints offense was historically good last Sunday, and the Rams defense isn’t much better. Now, the problem with New Orleans, as usual, is their defense; but caught break last week as they faced an inept, Curtis Painter-led offense. This week they’ll most likely face AJ Feeley…and the Guy would be shocked if the Rams’ offense was anything short of atrocious. Score one for N’awlins.

Tennessee 28, Indianapolis 10 – If Chris Johnson doesn’t snap out of it this week against an abysmal Colts’ defense, nothing will ever wake him from his funk. Seriously, if he doesn’t start performing very soon, his unbelievably fat contract could be one of the biggest rip-offs in NFL history.

Detroit 31, Denver 16 – Mr. Tebow. You got flat-out lucky last week against the worst team in the NFL. Let’s see you try this again against an angry Megatron and company. Even with Matthew Stafford at 50% and Jahvid Best most likely out for a second straight game, The Guy just can’t see the Lions coming up short against the Broncos.

Buffalo 20, Washington 15 – Things are getting dicey for the Redskins with both Tim Hightower and Santana Moss on the shelf. Washington has an outstanding defense, and the ‘Skins are still deep in the backfield without Hightower; but John Beck literally has no one to throw to. Jabar Gaffney? Fred Davis? Anthony Armstrong? Ewwww.

Cincinnati 17, Seattle 7 – It’s amazing to think that the Seahawks made the playoffs last year. I mean, they are a mess. Even more incredible is the fact that Cincinnati is in position to improve to 5-2. The Bengals are NOT that good… but credit Andy Dalton (another rookie quarterback) for not making too many costly mistakes.

San Francisco 24, Cleveland 13 – The Niners have the NFC West in the bag. That, we know. What we don’t know is how this team compares to rest of the talent in the NFC. Can they hang with the Saints or the Packers come playoff time? They can definitely hang with the Browns, that’s for sure. On a sidenote, Peyton Hillis probably won’t play again this week. Believe it or not, the Madden curse lives on.

NEW ENGLAND 31, PITTSBURGH 22 – The Pats are fresh off a bye week and always seem to have pretty good luck at Heinz Field. The key here will be limiting the Steelers’ passing game. Mike Wallace is exactly the kind of receiver who can eat the Patriots DB’s alive. Shut him down, and New England should prevail. If they can put consistent pressure on Rapelisberger, you have to like their chances even more.

Philadelphia 30, Dallas 27 – At some point, the Eagles will play to their potential. The bye week couldn’t have come soon enough, and it appears to me that they are capable of putting up some points up against this Dallas defense. The key will be limiting the Dallas running game. DeMarco Murray torched the Rams last week for 253 yards. Shut down Murray and make Tony Homo throw.

Kansas City 28, San Diego 20 – This actually has the makings of a really good game. Although Philip Rivers shit himself in the final minutes of the Jets’ game, Kansas City’s defense is nowhere near the Jets. Yet, the Chiefs are staying competitive despite a handful of brutal injuries, and this one is in Arrowhead…I’ll give Matt “I Live In A” Cassel the edge.

Bye Week 463, Chicago 0 – I know they aren’t playing, but the Guy’s still gotta make room for the KyGuy anthem. FUCK DAAAA BEARSSSS!!!! FDBSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

PS: Like KyGuy on Facebook and follow @KyGuy on twitter…or a gang of fuzzy green caterpillars will steal your children while you sleep. Don’t have children? Your private parts will turn into pudding. Tapioca pudding…

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Five W/ The Guy

I am sure you all reviewed my picks from last week, but if you didn't, all I am going to say is DeMarco Murray. Now that we got that out of the way we will move on to my fantasy picks for this Halloween weekend.

Frank Gore - I threatened to kick Frank Gore off my fantasy team and he was all like "Please The Guy don't do that Please!" so I responded with "Clean up your act". Yea that’s right I’m a tough guy. He was scared so he got back on the right track. Keeping in Halloween tradition Gore should "Carve" up the Browns run defense this week......sorry about that

Big Ben - "What the hell The Guy, why do you always pick people against the Pats". I have been over this many times before, I keeps it real and the fact is the Patriots still have one of the worst pass defense in the league. Ben will get his numbers but Brady will get the W

Chris Johnson - Quite frankly this guy blows this year but there is one thing that might blow worse than him and that is the 2011 Indianapolis Colts football team. They are letting up 150 rushing yards a game so if CJ cannot have a good game against these guys then I have lost all faith.

Fred Jackson - Hey T-Sauce you reading this? That’s right I am giving another Bills player props because Jackson has been outstanding this year. Maybe after this year the dumb ass Bills will stop saying he has to fight for the starting job and give this guy a decent contract. I don't know why everyone is so surprised he is doing so good after he dominated at the powerhouse college that is Coe College......

Eli Manning - I hate Eli Manning with a passion. From his bitching about being drafted by the Chargers to him comparing himself to Brady, I just fucking hate this dude. As much as I hate him he is playing against the Dolphins. I mean you could literally throw some helmets on actual Dolphins and let the just flop around on the field and they would play better pass defense (PETA I am not suggesting this). So sadly Eli will prolly have a huge game but we can all secretly wish he breaks both of his legs and can never play football again.

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The Guy Recaps Witnessing History

The Guys is a realist. I know not all the KyGuys out there have been watching this year’s World Series. And not too many stayed up to watch the end of game six between Texas and St. Louis. But to the handful of you that watched last night’s game six, I know we’re all thinking the same thing: what a fucking game. Like holy shit. Thursday night’s game six had everything. It’s almost too much for me to explain. Too much drama, too many epic fails, too many late-game heroics; It was unreal. World Series or not, it honestly might have the best baseball game I have ever witnessed. It’s funny actually, because this game started as one of the worst baseball games I’ve ever watched. Between some of the managerial decisions and some of the debacles in the field, it was just straight ugliness for a while. I mean, five combined errors in the first six innings? Some were more costly than others, including David Freese dropping a routine fly ball to third base in the 5^th which directly led to a run for the Rangers. Did he recover from that ungodly error? More on that later. As for managerial decisions, there were quite a few questionable ones. There’s one in particular that stood out for the Guy. In the top of the 5^th, Texas had the bases loaded and a 4-3 lead with two outs. The pitcher, Colby Lewis, was due up. Derek Holland, the kid who threw a 2-hitter earlier in the week, was warming in the bullpen. In fact, because of the back-to-back off days, everyone in the ‘pen was fresh. But Ron Washington (who on a random note looks exactly like how I would picture Dave Chappelle in 20 years) chose to let Lewis hit. Lewis struck out. Inning over. Paging Buzz Killington.

In many ways, this game was so incredible because of the amount of lead changes. This game redefined the term “back and forth.” Texas jumped out in the first on a Josh Hamilton RBI single, and St. Louis responded with a two-run homer courtesy of the Lance “Big Puma” Berkman. Texas answers back with an RBI ground rule double from Ian Kinsler in the 2nd, and adds another in the 4^th thanks to the machine known as Mike Napoli. Sidenote: Mike Napoli has put up ridiculous numbers since August and might be hotter than any catcher in World Series history. Ten RBIs in six games? Yikes. Anyway, the Cardinals predictably tied the game in the bottom of the 4^th, only to see a Michael Young double in the 5^th give the Rangers a 4-3 lead. Of course, that’s when the pitcher whiffed with a chance to break the game wide open. A one-run lead could have been two or three, but whatever. Lewis, meanwhile, would stay on the mound until the 6^th, when he ran into trouble and was replaced by the reliable Alexi Ogando. And right on cue the Cards tie the game at four. Then of course Adrian Beltre and Nelson Cruz launch back-to-back homers in top of the 7^th, which was followed by an RBI single from Kinsler to put Texas up 7-4. Crazy right? The insanity has only just begun. Another sidenote: it’s too bad the Red Sox couldn’t find a clutch hitter like Adrian Beltre. Oh wait…

Fast forward to the bottom of the 8^th. Derek Holland surrenders a solo homer to some guy named Allen Craig. Texas leads 7-5. Mike Adams comes on for Holland and miraculously gets out of a bases-loaded jam. After a silent 8^th, Texas goes quietly in the top of the 9^th and heads into the bottom half of the frame nursing a two-run lead. It’s the first time all game that Texas fails to score in back-to-back innings. Oh yeah, Albert Pujols and the Big Puma Berkman are due up in the bottom of the 9^th. Let the drama continue. A fireballing young closer named Neftali Feliz comes on to get the save and give the Rangers their first World Series ring in franchise history. He strikes out Ryan Theriot, but gives up a double to Pujols. First pitch too. I think everyone saw that coming. The Rangers then walk Berkman on four straight pitches, giving him nothing even close to hittable. So guess who’s up next? The NLCS MVP. The hometown kid. The guy who horribly botched a pop up to third base in the 5^th. David Freese. With his team down to their final strike, Freese rips a tailing liner to rightfield. Nelson Cruz (not the fleetest of foot) gives a half-sprint to the wall before hesitating at the last second. Cruz awkwardly reaches for it but misses by a couple feet. The ball hits the wall and Freese ends up at third with a bases-clearing triple. We’re tied at 7. Wow. Another sidenote: that lack of a play by Cruz is inexcusable. It’s worse than Bill Buckner’s infamous miscue. Cruz failed because of a lack of effort. I mean he completely misread the ball to begin with, but his apprehension as he approached the wall was unbelievable. You’re scared to crash into the wall? It’s the FUCKING WORLD SERIES DUDE!

Anywho, we head into the top of the 10^th, and before you even blink, Josh Hamilton rips a two-run homer into centerfield. 9-7, Texas. That was fast. Darren Oliver of all people comes on to pitch for the Rangers in the bottom of the inning. St. Louis comes to the plate with their bottom of the order, including a pitcher named Kyle Lohse (who was being used solely as a pinch hitter). What happens? They play Tony LaRussa small ball to put runners on second and third, and then make it a one-run game on an infield ground out. Classic. With a runner on third, Texas this time walks Pujols to bring up the Big Puma. Again, with the Cards down to their final strike, Berkman singles to tie the game. What. The. Fuck.

So we move to the top of the 11^th. Cruz continues his choke job by hitting a lazy fly ball for out number one. Napoli laces a single, continuing his dominance. David Murphy flies out, continuing his irrelevance. There’s two away, and the pitcher Scott Feldman is due up. At this point, Texas has really exhausted their bullpen. Feldman may have given up one of the two runs in the 10^th, but he’s still their best option going forward. So of course this is the time Washington opts to pinch hit for the pitcher…with a guy who is 0-for-23 in the postseason. To no one’s surprise that man, Esteban German, grounds out to the pitcher. Inning over. Mark Lowe, who has made one postseason appearance this fall, and is the furthest thing from their go-to-guy, comes in to pitch. First batter; David Freese. There’s no question the end result of this at bat cements Freese’s game six as one of the greatest postseason performances ever. I mean, David Freese already saved his team from elimination once before in this game. Did he do it again? Yeah, he did it again. Freese goes yard, and with one swing of the bat, the Cards win 10-9 and force a game seven. And so ends the greatest baseball game the Guy has ever seen. Are you pissed you missed it? Well, watch game seven tonight. It could be even more legendary.

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The Guy Sounds Off About "That Guy"

                The Guy has been doing some thinking since my last post about Mclovin. I think I may have taken it too hard on him. I know what you’re thinking “No. Kid is just a nerd!” I know but is he really? Is he really a bad guy or is he “That Guy”? You know “That Guy” Everyone knows “That Guy”. “What do you mean “That Guy” The Guy? We’ll its simple. Every group of friends has “That Guy”. Correction every group of people has “That Guy”. You know “That Guy” who everyone hates for no reason. They aren’t bad people. They are just kind of there. You know what I mean? They are real nice people. They aren’t mean. They don’t really do anything in particular that annoys you, they just do. Just everything about them makes you want to hit them in the face. You don’t know why, but when they walk into the room you say to yourself “Oh great here comes Chris” I’m using the name Chris for this entire blog btw because I need a name and Chris sounds like a good one to use. The Guy in no way has a personal vendetta against anyone named Chris. Allow me to elaborate a bit further on “That Guy”.

                Let me retract my prior statement saying that they don’t do anything in particular that annoys you because they do. They will try and make jokes in order to fit in, but their jokes aren’t funny. They try to be part of inside jokes they aren’t apart of. They will even go as far as using inside jokes in the wrong fashion. Say for an instance its July fourth and you set off fireworks, “That Guy” will turn to me and say “Isn’t this America? I thought this was America” A quote I often say used completely incorrectly. I’d want to turn to him and say “Yea Chris it’s fucking America. Don’t use that quote again shit head” but since he’s “That Guy” and is always there I kind of have to give him a grin to assure him that he is accepted in hopes he will stop trying so hard. The thing is, that doesn’t even piss you off. No matter how bad you try to avoid it, you always end up alone with “That Guy”. They will come in your room and start fooling around with your stuff and you will become instantly annoyed. “Stop fucking with my shit Chris” He will make a funny face and say something like “Geeez Sorry you grumpy gus” and sit down on your bed. This also pisses you off. Then someone else will come in and do the same thing and you will say nothing. “That Guy” will then point this out and you will be even more pissed than before. You shouldn’t be pissed for being called out on it but you are. The thing is that’s not even the thing you hate about him.

                “That Guy” will always come to a party slightly earlier than everyone else and leave slightly later than everyone else as well. It’s not much time, 2 minutes maybe 5 at most, but that infuriates you. You start hinting at going to bed and he takes the hint instantly but you still hate him for having to give the hint. Here’s the best thing about “That Guy”. He shows up at things he wasn’t even invited to and no one says anything. Everyone knows he’s there. No one really cares all that much because he’s a good guy but he’s there and you’re annoyed by it. You won’t say anything to him but to everyone else you start saying things like “Who the hell invited Chris?” You won’t notice that people don’t care as much as you do. He will just be sitting there and you will be glaring at him. He will of course say a joke and you will finally snap. You will yell at him about everything you hate about him. The Kick in the nuts is, half way through your rant you still don’t know why you hate him. You have no idea. You just went off on him for being him. You went off on “That Guy” for simply being “That Guy” and you have no idea why. And after that everyone will look at you like you are crazy. Then before you even fucking know it, you are “That Guy”. In a split second you have become “That Guy”. In every form of the fucking word. You were not before but after that little outburst, people are uncomfortable around you. They don’t want to get on your bad side and you have become the very thing that you hate. You have become “That Guy” and may God have mercy on your soul!

                “Are you “That Guy” The Guy?” I don’t know. I like to think I’m not but to you I very well could be. I don’t like to think of myself as “That Guy” but who knows? For the love of God who knows?

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The Guy Talks Haunted Houses

“When the cell doors close at the Norwalk Sheriff's Department's "Haunted Jail" this Halloween, visitors will see monsters, not mobsters, witches, not snitches, and fake ax murderers instead of real ones”-(Credit: HuffPost)  

                Nothing to see here. Just you’re standard shut down a jail, ship the prisoners somewhere else, and turn the jail into a haunted house. Normal operations here. What do you mean this is completely ridiculous? What do you mean this shouldn’t be done? See what I’m getting at here? This is absolutely ridiculous. “I know right The Guy? LA complains about having their jails over crowded then they do this and ship all of their inmates to a different jail. Kind of counterproductive right?” You missed my point completely. I’m all for this haunted house idea it’s not even funny! I will however offer a few tweeks. You keep the prisoners there. “Oh so they can like work it? Not a bad idea The Guy” Not really. You get all the kids and families in the prison. Then you take them on a tour of the jail. And right when they are at the point of no escape all the fun begins. This is when the warden cuts the power. Boom complete darkness. Then you sound the alarms. At this point everyone is screaming and pissing their pants “Oh shit what the fuck is going on?” This is when it gets really scary. You release all the prisoners. Just let them run free. Doing whatever they want. “That ludicrous The Guy” Oh I’m not done yet.

                So at this point all the prisoners have found out what’s going on and everyone is freaking out. They are scrambling for the doors. What’s this? The doors are locked? What kind of sick fuck would do this? Warden KyGuy that’s who. Over the loud speaker there’s just crazy cackling and creepy little girls singing nursery rhymes. Then all of a sudden the lights come on and the Warden starts picking off all of the inmates for escaping their cells. Boom. Boom. Boom. Inmates going down. Children screaming. Grown men throwing their wives in harm’s way in order to save themselves. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! The Guy just helped you kill two birds with one stone! Scariest haunted jail you’ve ever had and you’ve solved your overcrowding issue. I know. You don’t have to thank me. The Guy is a thinker. The look in your eyes is thanks enough. The best part is, the only thing that it will cost you is at most 5-10 innocent casualties and maybe like 100 or so lawsuits. I know it’s practically a buy one get one free scenario. Look at the positives though, scum are off the streets and we can finally throw Lindsay Lohan in jail. Yes I know that this would probably work better with a mental hospital but that isn’t what the article is about. “You belong in a mental hospital The Guy” Ha! You sound like my therapist!

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The Guy Is Talking College Football Again…

So yesterday the Guy went buck wild talking about college football and the changes that needed to be made. The Guy got pretty worked up, but since then, the Guy has also come to grips with the fact that there won’t be playoff system in college football anytime soon. Changes are being made, but most likely not in the direction of a postseason tournament. It’s okay though. The Guy still loves his college football. And I will admit that one of things I absolutely love about the current state of college football is the significance of the regular season. I mean, when you pretty much gotta go undefeated to have a shot at a national title, every game is kind of important, don’t ya think? Take next weekend, for example. Probably the biggest regular season matchup in the last decade, at least. No. 1 LSU vs. No. 2 Alabama. People are going nuts about it already. Both are undefeated and are arguably the two best teams in the nation talent-wise. Yet, even though it’ll only be the first week of November, the loser of that game could potentially find themselves out of championship game contention. Or how about last weekend, when Michigan State topped previously undefeated Wisconsin on a hail mary pass in the final seconds? The Badgers, even though they very well could win out the rest of the way and cruise to a Big 10 title, probably don’t stand a chance at playing for a championship now because of that demoralizing defeat. Their season was crushed before daylight savings times. The Oregon Ducks, last year’s runner-ups and one of the most talented teams in the nation, had their national title hopes dashed by Labor Day, when they lost in the season opener to mighty LSU. No. 3 Oklahoma lost last weekend too, leaving just seven undefeated teams. LSU, Alabama, Oklahoma State, Clemson, Stanford, Boise State, and Kansas State. Boom. For starters, someone’s gotta lose between LSU and Alabama, so you can rule one of those two out. Clemson has been known for falling from grace after its’ fast starts, but it’s being predicted they’ll take a tumble at some point, especially with trips to Georgia Tech and South Carolina on the schedule. Oklahoma State is a force for the first time since the days of Barry Sanders, but they still have to host Baylor, Oklahoma, and undefeated Kansas State (who quite frankly is not a national title contender, sorry Wildcats), and also take a trip to Lubbock to battle Texas Tech. Not an easy road, I assure you.

Now the Guy is a firm believer in east coast bias; which is why two west coast teams will continue to fly under the radar up until the end of the season, when they might just find themselves undefeated. Let’s start with Stanford. They have next April’s first overall pick in the NFL draft and most likely the Heisman trophy winner this year at quarterback. Every day is Halloween for Andrew Luck because, simply put, he is a monster. If he can lead the Cardinal past USC this weekend, and past the Ducks on Nov. 12^th, then Stanford should find themselves in the PAC-12 championship game. If Stanford  wins that game and runs the table, they’d have to be a shoe-in for the national championship. But what about Boise State? Everybody loves to hop on the Broncos bandwagon because of their quirky offense and blue turf, but they can’t catch a break when it comes to the BCS. Even when they finish undefeated, they fall short because there are always two “better” undefeated teams out there. That right there is why we need a postseason tournament. I’m about to gauge my eyes out. Now, in all fairness, the Broncos don’t play a top notch schedule like LSU or Oklahoma State. They are in a weaker conference, and even though they are lobbying for acceptance into the Big East (a slight improvement), they don’t stack up to the other undefeateds because of their weak schedule. They should run the table this season, yet there is a good chance that they could get left behind once again. Even if no one else finishes with a perfect record, yet someone like Alabama or Oregon finishes with just one loss against an elite team like LSU, Boise State could get screwed again. It’s madness, I tell ya! Mayhem. Insanity. I hate it. But god I love it.

October isn’t even in the books yet, but things are taking shape across the country in college football. Who will be the next undefeated to fall? Will it be Stanford, as they take on the Fightin’ Lane Kiffin’s of USC in Pasadena on Saturday? Will it be the Cowboys of Oklahoma State, as they battle Robert Griffin (arguably the nation’s most exciting player and the closest thing to Michael Vick there is on this planet) and the Baylor Bears at home this Saturday? If you ask The Guy, it appears that a pair of Tigers have the best chance of winning out. If the LSU Tigers get past Alabama next weekend, be prepared to crown them king; they are that fucking good. But keep an eye out for Clemson. Those Tigers are on the road against Georgia Tech, and that is no easy task. The same can be said for their season finale against state-rival South Carolina. But if these Tigers can manage to claw their way (see what I did there) to the ACC championship game, only a team like Virginia Tech or Miami would stand in the way. Most years that would be a battle for the ages. But this season, given the explosive talent Clemson has at their disposal, the Guy can’t see another ACC team getting in their way of history. The ACC just isn’t that good; this Clemson team seems superior to the rest of the league. Plus, Tigers took the title last year (Auburn, duh.) And their coach is named Dabo Swinney. That’s a cool ass name. Sometimes, the stars are aligned. But there is a reason why an SEC team has won five championships in a row. It’s because the southeast is the mecca of college football; hence the Southeastern Conference dominates college football. Facts are facts. There’s a reason why LSU vs Alabama next weekend is already garnering more attention that any regular season college football game in years. Odds are, it will determine the national champion. I hate the BCS, I really do. But in what other sport is there a mid-season game with this much on the line? That’s a big reason why the Guy loves his college football…and The Guy can’t wait to see how this baby unfolds.

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The Guy On Creepy Attics Finds And Fresh Conspiracy Theories

                The Guy was reading up on some articles on the internet because that’s what I do. I need to entertain the masses with my takes on sports, movies, salsa, beer, and news. You know all the good stuff. Anyways, I stumbled upon a story on HuffPost about a couple that bought a new house and discovered some pretty interesting things in their attic. “Come on The Guy everyone finds things in their attic. What was it? Plates and old sheets?” Eh along those lines. They found bones, chemicals, and pictures of dead bodies. You know the usual stuff. “How is that along the same lines?” Sarcasm dick, look it up sometime. “Hey this is gonna sound weird but I used to live in your house years back. Did you by any chance find a big bag of human bones and pictures of dead bodies upstairs? Could you do me a solid and just throw those out. Maybe just get your finger prints on them if you could. I’d appreciate that. Thanks” What kind of person just stores bones and pictures of dead bodies in their attic? “Hey They Guy, it says they also found embalming fluid. The person who lived there must have embalmed dead people for a living. Kind of creepy but it explains everything” Yea. Guess you’re right. Except for the fact that they found human bones buried in the back yard. Yea fucked up.

                If you are an embalmer, why bury the bones in the back yard? Why not dispose of them properly? “I’m sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this” What explanation is that? Was it some sort of fucked up embalmer scavenger hunt? “Ok kids I’ve hidden a hip bone, a femur, and two skulls in the back yard. First one who finds them gets to help me photograph my next embalming!” “You’re the best dad!” Or maybe this dude was picking off people to practice his embalming. Everyone knows there is no better embalming test than a fresh dead person. Now, I’m not saying this guy was a murderer….I’m inferring it. I think this needs to be looked into immediately. The cops don’t think this is a real threat but what do they know? Sure they know the law and all that garbage but I know my conspiracies tend to make some sense. Not much sense but some and the person who lived there before was clearly a murderer. I don’t want to scare everyone with one of these conspiracies now but I feel it is my job a blogger to forewarn my readers. Does anyone else find it kind of strange that they find bones in someone’s house a day after I broke my Giant Lego man theory? Hey, I’m not making this stuff up! I’m just reporting it. One day I say Giant Lego men are taking over the world and suddenly someone finds human bones in their attic. Coincidence? Maybe, but I don’t think so. “This house is in Indiana. The Lego man was in Florida. Not likely The Guy, Not Likely” Open your eyes you fool. Lego men are already spread out all over the world. They have been for a while. The one that washed up on shore in Florida is just the face of their organization, a warning if you will. There are others. Alot of others. LISTEN TO ME! They are coming. Everyone needs to get ready! Though it may already be too late….

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The Guy Talks Radio Interviews, More Mclovin, And Bernie Madoff

                 So The Guy was listening to the radio on his ride into the office this morning as he always does. So I’m listening and all of a sudden I hear “Next up, Mclovin is in the studio!” I knew I had to tune in to get a glimpse at what this guy is really like. If you recall I did a blog about Mclovin a while back where I hypothesized that he was just some nerd that got lucky. That he’s not an actor at all but just a nerd who plays himself. Welp, I don’t like to toot my own horn or anything but Toot fucking toot. The Guy hit the nail right on the head. Bingo Bango baby. Mclovin is a huge nerd that, as a person, is not funny in the slightest bit.  His comedy comes straight from the writers and that’s it. He was trying to make jokes but no one was laughing. He just comes across as super awkward. He makes jokes that just aren’t funny at all. In any form of the word. You don’t know if you should laugh just because you feel bad. Other people would make jokes and he just wouldn’t get that they were jokes. He had his little nerd band member with him who was making jokes and got some sympathy laughs. Yea, he’s in a band. They are playing in Boston tomorrow. “Why don’t you confront him and tell him how you feel The Guy?” That would require effort and this kid is not worth my effort. That’s the long and short of it. All I’m saying is that if I knew Mclovin personally I would insult him on a daily basis. He would then of course try to make fun of me, probably using some sort of fat joke, but no one would laugh. Mclovin is not an actor. Mclovin is not talented. Mclovin is a total fraud!

                Speaking of frauds the second interview I heard was with Bernie Madoffs wife. “Nice transition The Guy” Thanks. So anyway the radio was playing clips from her interview with “60 Minutes”. She was up there spilling her heart wrenching story of all the hate mail her and Bernie received. All the mean phone calls and threats to them. How people made their lives a living hell to the point where they tried to commit suicide but failed. “Boo hoo everyone feel bad for me” sort of stuff. So The Guy took to the internet because that’s all I know. I was reading an interview with Bernie Madoff himself on Yahoo. He was talking about how he’s upset his family hates him and how he’s upset that the general public hates him. More “Boo hoo everyone feel bad for me” sort of stuff. Really? Do you guy’s expect people to feel bad for you? Do you expect people to feel any sort of sympathy for you? You literally destroyed thousands of people’s lives. You stole billions of dollars! You stole from widows and orphans. You stole from fucking charities all the while living this extravagant life and you want us to feel bad for you? People never cease to amaze me I tell ya. I don’t feel bad for either of you. You guys deserve everything you get. How can you expect sympathy? The only thing I feel bad about is that you didn’t succeed with the attempts. That might seem cold but the world would probably be a better place without you. You, Mr. Madoff, are the worst type of person and I hope you suffer a long painful death. Someday I hope to spit on your grave. Welp, hope that was a good way to start off your morning! Have a lovely day!

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The Guy Drops Some College Football Knowledge

The Guy loves his football. If you love the Guy, then you know this already. Sometimes the Guy gets so caught up in the wonder of NFL that he forgets about his first love: college football. When the Guy was just a little guy (The Boy as I refer to myself in those years), I was a college football freak. From like the time I was seven years old, I was more interested in sports than Power Rangers and pogs. College football, for whatever reason, was my favorite. Lately, the Guy has been a little bit turned off by what’s going on in the world of college football. For one, The Guy lounges with porn-stars and sips banana cognac on his 247-foot yacht all day every Saturday. And silly me, I forgot to get cable! So that cuts into my college football watching time a little bit. The Guy knows a lot of people are being turned off by all the corruption in college sports right now. I don’t really mind it; it’s just crazy to me how people are going apeshit about this. It’s been going on for years, so what fun is it if everyone gets caught now? You know that out of the 120 division 1 college football programs, only 17 have never committed an NCAA violation? Boston College, Northwestern, Penn State, and Stanford are the only big names of that group; the rest are shit schools. Long story short, you have to cheat to win in college football. That’s fine. The Guy can dig that, because if you ain’t cheating you ain’t trying. Who hasn’t cheated on a test? Or plagiarized someone else’s writing? That’s how The Guy got through college son! Do you think George Washington didn’t cheat on Martha? Of course he did! He laid the pipe on mad pilgrim bitches, and Martha didn’t say shit! Is that irrelevant to my argument? Yes. Was George Washington a pilgrim? I don’t know. Was George Washington the greatest man who ever lived? Yes. Let’s continue forward.

I really don’t care if schools cheat to win, that doesn’t bother me so much. It’s a different kind of cheating that pisses me off. I’ll tell you what; the Guy is among the millions of college football fans who hate the BCS. It’s a joke. The Guy feels that the bigwigs in college football are not only cheating the fans, but they’re cheating some of the nation’s best teams by not instituting a playoff system. For those of you who are out of touch with your college football roots, the BCS is basically a formula for measuring who the best teams in the country are based on strength of schedule, winning percentages, and margin of victory among other things. Instead of letting some of the top teams battle it out in a playoff, they have a computer figure out who the best two teams are and they play each other in the championship game. Some years, there’s no question who the top two teams are. In 2011, there was no doubt that Auburn and Oregon deserved to play in the title game. But in almost every other year of the BCS’s existence, someone gets screwed. There are always three or four undefeated teams, and someone gets left behind. The entire college football postseason is a mess. It’s all profit driven. There are 35 “bowl games” featuring 70 teams. Some of those teams don’t deserve to sniff the postseason, but that’s the way she goes. The bowl season starts in late December and runs through the first week of January. It begins with some pretty shitty matchups. For example, San Jose State and Bowling Green could square off in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl to open up the postseason. I shit you not. Once you hit New Years, you get some pretty sweet matchups. Like the Rose Bowl between Wisconsin and TCU; one of the greatest games of the 2010-2011 season. But the problem is, once you win or lose your bowl game, your season is over. A computer can decide the number one and number two teams in the country; but what about three and four? Do those teams not deserve the right for a chance to be crowned champions? Don’t five, six, seven, and eight deserve the right to play on?

The Guy has a solution. Obviously, the world of college football is driven by dollars, just like everything else in this world. I get that. M.O.B. The Guy preaches that shit. It should be noted that every bowl game has a sponsor. The NCAA clearly wants to keep the profit they make off the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, or the Meineke Car Care Bowl. And obviously allowing 70 teams to play in the “postseason” is a nice thing to do for the kids. I mean they’re the ones putting in all the effort. It’s a way for smaller schools to hang their hats on a hard fought season; even if they knew the whole time they weren’t going to play for a national championship. It gives a no-name school like Middle Tennessee State a little extra incentive. “You know what guys, if we work really hard, we can play in the GoDaddy.com Bowl.” Yeah, it’s definitely not much, but it’s something. Long story short, the postseason in College Football ends with the BCS Championship Series, which consists of four premier, well-known bowl games. That’s where the big money is. There are also some very highly respected, highly watched bowl games around New Year’s Day. So why not have the top 16 teams play those eight bowl games (to keep the profit from the sponsors) and then send the winners to an eight-team tournament? There’s so much downtime between the end of the regular season and the start of the bowl season (over a month for some teams), so maybe even bump up the start of the postseason. If the NCAA really wanted to milk it for some extra money (which you know they do) they could add some extra bowl games and make those the first round of the 16-team tournament at the very end of the season. Then, they could make some of the big-name BCS bowl games such as the Sugar Bowl and the Orange Bowl the final rounds of the postseason. In the end, everyone makes their money, and everyone feels like they have a chance despite an early season loss in September; as long as they get into the top 16. It’s better than having to finish undefeated in the top two. There’s a lot going on in the Guy’s mind right now about this idea, and there’s plenty more details that I’m gonna iron out in my own head. This proposition is going to the NCAA, once completely mapped out. Maybe the KyGuy college football fans have some of their own ideas? Maybe they don’t care? Maybe they just want us to post nude pics and stop writing about this shit? Who knows. But as the great George Washington once said, “I’m out like a boner in sweatpants.” Until next time bitches.

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The Guy Talks The Giant Lego Man Invasion



                So I had a bunch of people tell me to write about the Giant Lego man washing up onshore in Florida. So I was reading up on it on ABCNews and I must tell you what I have to say might frighten you. Now upon reading up on it I see that numerous Giant Lego men have been washing up onshore in various places around the world. Strange. Very Strange. They all have the same message written on their shirts “No Real Than You Are” Yea I know, it makes no sense to people with small brains like you. The Guy on the other hand is gifted with having a larger brain than most of you. This message very clearly means you may think I’m fake but I’m real and when the time is right we are taking over this world bitches. That’s right, giant Lego men are taking over the world. “That sounds like a bad horror movie The Guy!” Yea except for the fact it is fucking happening. Explain to me how this happened if that’s not the case? The Lego people have had it. For years the man has been making them do whatever he wants against their will. “I don’t want to live in a poorly shapened castle” Too bad you’re fucking living there! “Please don’t rip my head off!” Oops already did. “Why am I in a pink shirt? I’m a man!” Don’t care! They are sick of being bullied so they have evolved to being 8 feet tall. They aren’t stopping there either. They are only growing bigger and soon they will be big enough to use us as toys.

                That’s right the Lego’s are taking over our world just as we did to theirs. Pretty soon we will be configured and put in positions that don’t come naturally! Soon we will be left standing in the same position for hours on end! They will take our heads off and put them on other torsos and our torsos on other people legs! The Lego’s have had it and now we must be destroyed like we did to their people. Giant Lego dudes just going up to people saying stuff like “Oh lovely house you have here. Lovely walls. All the houses you built me didn’t have any walls so I’m just gonna take those. Come to think of it, all the houses you built me didn’t have a roof either so I’m gonna take that too. Don’t move from this upright postion until I’m ready to play with you again or I’ll rip your head off” Who do we have to blame here but ourselves? We have enslaved Lego’s for this long it was only a matter of time until they rebelled. Don’t believe me? Soon enough one of the police officers is going to be found murdered. He will be found standing up right with his leg propped up in a ridiculous fashion as if he is walking around the station emphatically. He will also be wearing a giant plastic hat. Why you ask? I don’t know but it’s going to happen.Then what? I won’t seem so crazy then! The Guy is trying to warn you now. They only way you’ll have a chance of saving yourself is if you start treating your Lego’s with respect! Ask them where they want to live. Ask them what they want to eat. Ask them what they want as their job. “The Guy, they think some artist did it as a stunt. What about that?” He’s in on the conspiracy. The Lego men are obviously holding him captive. Come on people. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PLASTIC!

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The Guy Can Be A Pro Athelete Too!

“Brad Lebo is one of the best golfers in the world. He’s never competed at Augusta National Golf Club or played a round with Tiger Woods, but he has already won a Masters Tournament and the US Open. Twice.

Lebo is a professional mini golfer. Don’t make a windmill joke just yet, though.

“When (people) give me grief about being a professional miniature golfer, if it’s someone I know well, I’ll say, 'What have you been the national champion at?' and that will end the conversation,” Lebo said.”-(Credit: MSN )

                I told my parents that I have the makings of a professional athlete and they didn’t believe me. I told all my friends I could be a professional athlete and they laughed in my face. Well now it’s time for me to laugh back! HA! Pro mini golf? I’ll take it. Sure I may not look that good when I hit up Crystal Caves but that’s because I haven’t gone into training yet. Once The Guy starts his grueling mini golf work out, no one will be able to stop me. I once beat a girl at mini golf 450 strokes above par to 300 strokes below par. Yea I may have fudged the numbers a bit but still. Show me someone who can beat those scores and I’ll show you a liar! Maxim Magazine, Last issue… The Guy IS professional mini golf! BOOM! You know what they called a young Tiger Woods? “The Guy of Professional Golf”. Yea I’m that good. Who are “they” you ask? The council….of…sports…and all the…best athletes..in the history of sports. Maybe you’ve heard of them. They are world renowned. You should check into it. They’re a real council and are very respected. The Guy is getting off track here. My point is if there is professional mini golf, then what else can I go pro in? “Oh fuck he’s about to go on a stupid tangent talking about the most random activities in the world as if they were Pro-sports” Oh you think you know me so well….

                Ladder Golf. The Guy could easily be the national champion in ladder golf. Everyone knows how deadly The Guy is when those ladders hit the lawn. People start pestering me “Oh please The Guy be on my ladder golf team. I need you” I’ll let them be my caddy if they are lucky. If you’re a female keep walking because The Guy don’t play with girls! “Wow The Guy you’re a stud!” I appreciate the support voice in my head. Very unlike you. “What else could you be a pro at?” Well, Jenga for one thing. You would be hard pressed to find a better Jenga player than The Guy. I pull blocks like no other. You better hope I don’t go first because I don’t pull from the top, I pull from the bottom. I go for blood at the first move. You better believe it. Monopoly. I could be a pro at this mostly because I out last most people. I make deals likes no other. “I’m sick of playing” “Okay that’s cool I’ll give you five real bucks for Park Place.” Some call that cheating. I call it strategy. Speaking of strategy…. Stratego. “Where the hell is your flag The Guy? Is it in the front lines?” Very well could be. I play fast and loose with my Stratego pieces so you better bring you’re A-game. The last thing I could be pro at will probably send you for a loop. A little game I like to call “Wheely Chair Football” A little game distilled on me by the greats:  Malloburger, Benny, the Big KG, and of course Dildo Schmildo Dildo. I’m not going to explain all the details of “Wheely Chair Football” but know this, I’ve been known to take the seat of that wheely chair and make receptions like no other. What can I say? I’m a multi-talented athlete. If you think you have what it takes to challenge me in any of these sports then bring it. I’m ready!

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The Guy On Pulling Next To People Awkwardly At Stop Lights And Making Eye Contact

                  So I’ve sorta been posed this question. “Yo The Guy, how do you feel about people who awkwardly pull up to you at stop lights and make eye contact?” Good question. The Guy always finds it weird when you look over to the car next to you and see a person looking back at you. So many questions go through your head. Such questions as, “Have they been staring at me for a while?” “Did they just look over as I looked over?” “Do I look alright?” “Was I singing?” “Oh god was I dancing?” “Are they attractive?” “Are they creepy?” “Am I creepy?” “Why haven’t I looked away yet?” The answers to these questions are unknown. It is an awkward situation to say the least. There are many variables when it comes to awkwardly making eye contact with a stranger at a stop light. Some assumptions must be made. If the person looks creepy or goofy then they are probably creepy or goofy and were probably staring at you for a while. Congrats you’re attractive to creepy people. You win top prize. A good way to combat this is to stare this person right in the eye, roll down your window, and scream “NO MEANS NO! STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!” You appearing to be extremely insane will make them forget that you are attractive and speed away for their life. Congrats you are not being followed home today. On the other hand if it is someone attractive, they were not staring at you. In fact they don’t even see you. They are checking themselves out in the reflection of your window and don’t even realize they are making eye contact with you. You can wink and flutter your eye lashes all you want but you can be assured that when that light turns green they will run their fingers through their hair one final time and speed off while checkin themselves out in their own rear view.

                If you look over and they immediately turn their head, they were checking you out. I feel as if a good response to this is to follow said person to where ever they are going and confront them. Lull them into a false sense of security by saying in a sweet voice “I saw you checking me out at the light back there” Said person will blush. Next hit them with the hard truth “I would be flattered if you weren’t such a creep show. Does that work for you ever? Eye fucking people at red lights? Fucking pervert.  HEY EVERYONE WE GOT A MOBILE PEEPING TOM ON OUR HANDS! YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! THIS PERSON IS A FUCKING SICKO! Shame on you!” This could be risky because this person maybe an axe murderer and already knows where you live. A public outburst like this will probably get you locked in a basement and killed. So proceed with caution. If you look over and they are bobbing their heads then obviously they think the song you are listening to is a sick beat. You should roll down your window and have an impromptu dance party at the red light. If they start to dance along with you, you shut the music off immediatly give them a dirty look and speed away. They will be left in a mass state of confusion and feel like slightly less of a person then before. Congrats. You succeeded in playing for keeps.

                All those examples were decidedly extreme. There are much more obviously examples. More practical ones if you will. If you look over and the person nods at you, then odds are they happened to look over when you looked over. No more no less. Don’t read too far into it. I don’t know if this answers your question but to be honest I don't really give a fuck if it does. Cheers!

Shout out to my bottom bitch Quelby for the suggestion. Play on playa, play on.

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