So the Guy has been hangin’ at the office today with a serious case of the Mondays. Just one of those days where you just can’t even keep your eyes open. Tired is an understatement, and while you’re drinking your fourth cup of coffee in an attempt to snap out of it, you start to think: what the hell happened this weekend? Maybe you’re still trying to figure out if that oriental girl in your threesome was Japanese or Korean. Maybe you’re wondering what ever happened to that midget who stole your wallet. Or maybe you just can’t remember what the fuck prompted you to get that Newt Gingrich tattoo on your inner thigh. Whatever the case may be, Monday’s are always confusing. And if you’re a football fan, this Monday is more confusing than ever before. I mean, I haven’t been this confused since I found out Taylor Hanson was a guy. Anyway, The Guy is here to dish out some thoughts on this Sunday; maybe I can try and help all of us figure out what the hell happened…
-For starters, the Patriots got crushed. This game was more lopsided than the score indicated. Honestly, of all the shenanigans that happened in the NFL over the weekend, this outcome is one of the least surprising. Leigh Bodden’s release on Friday was the first red flag. Ras-I Dowling being placed on the injured reserve was the second. The Steelers, unlike in the past, have shifted towards a passing offense that features some pretty damn good receivers. Mike Wallace is blazing fast and is without a doubt one of the best young receivers in the league, so the Patriots were forced to key in on him. That paved the way for Big Ben Rapelisberger to pick apart the single coverage and exploit every single freakin’ mismatch. And there were a lot of them. Simply put, the Steelers torched the Patriots’ secondary. Each New England defensive back got burnt repeatedly, despite the solid pass rush. That unit needs some serious help. Not a lot of positives to take out of this one defensively except for another decent game from the D-line, the return of Jerod Mayo, and the continued emergence of Brandon Spikes against the run (although he gets beat in coverage way too often.)
-The offense was a huge disappointment. I will say that as a huge Kevin Faulk fan, his return to the lineup was one of the Guy’s favorite moments of the season. This guy can still do it all. He is by far the best running back when it comes to catching passes out of the backfield and picking up blitzes. In this offense, that’s huge. Not to mention he led the team in rushing. Granted it was for 32 yards, but alright! Welcome back buddy! God, I missed you. The problem here is that at 35 years of age, Kevin Faulk was the only back who did anything, while the Law Firm, Stevan Ridley, and Danny Woodhead were all complete non-factors. Pittsburgh came in with a plan to stop the run and stop Wes Welker. 43 yards rushing? Yeah, they stopped the run. And six catches for anyone else is a lot; but it’s Welker, so yes the Steelers held him in check too. Gronk had a beast game as usual, Branch got open when it counted, as usual. Ocho Cinco sucked ass, as usual. Actually, the more I think about it, this team is developing a few flaws offensively. The biggest concern might be that Tom Brady can’t spread the ball around like the Tom Brady of old. Only five receivers caught passes yesterday (Welker, Gronk, Branch, Faulk, Hernandez). So, umm…where the hell is everyone else? Did they catch Ocho Cinco disease? Did they dress up in their invisible face freddy kruger hand costume too?
- Elsewhere around the league, the Guy was pretty baffled to find out that the Rams managed to knock off the Saints. I mean, these were AJ Feeley led Rams. I couldn’t think of a phrase as unintimidating as that. It had to be that New Orleans was still celebrating their 55-point shellacking of the Colts. When you put a 62-spot on the scoreboard, it’s hard to go from there. Like, that’s probably as good as it’s ever gonna get. Might as well pack it in, right?
-So wait, the Saints lost to St. Louis by 10. Yet, the Rams were 0-6 coming into this game. And those same Saints destroyed Indianapolis the week before…Then how bad is Indianapolis? “Really bad, the Guy!” Thanks voice in my head. Fuckin’ Captain Obvious over here. Yeah, Indy improved their record to scorching hot 0-7 with another loss, this one to the Titans. A banner year for those Colts.
-Speaking of banner years, how about Chris Johnson? Is this guy a genius or what? “I’m gonna hold out until the Titans give me the fattest contract any runnin’ back ever seen, then I’m gonna half-ass my way through the rest of the season cuz I ain’t tryin’ to get hurt. I got fat dough stacks so why should I try and work hard and stuff.” I guarantee you that’s exactly what he’s thinking. 34 yards on 14 carries…against the Colts?!?! That’s the only explanation.
-Speaking of thinking, that’s what the Denver Broncos weren’t doing when they drafted Tim Tebow. And then again what they weren’t doing when they opted to start him over Kyle Orton. Must be that mile high air or something. Granted, the kid doesn’t get much help from the defense, but Denver was able to successfully run the ball. That’s how you set up the pass. Unless, of course, you can’t throw the ball downfield like Tim Tebow. He had something like six completions through the first three quarters. He fumbled three times to go along with an interception. He was sacked seven times. Denver lost to Detroit, 45-10. I bet you can guess where this is going…
-Oh, by the way, the Dolphins lost again. They lost by three after a fourth quarter rally from the Giants. This came a week after Tim Tebow’s “comeback” against the Fish. The Miami situation is messier than Michael Moore’s underwear. Can there be two 0-16 teams? Can there, Pop? Please? Golly, that sure would be a lot of fun.
-Alex Smith has evolved into one of the league’s best game managers, and San Francisco can wrap up the NFC West before Thanksgiving. Buffalo and Cincinnati are now each 5-2, and both have the same record as New England and Baltimore. Shit is just getting weird. Could The Guy be any more confused? Now all we need is for Kansas City and San Diego to break out into a high stakes game of “toss the wood” during the middle of tonight’s MNF game. Todd Haley gets concussed by a 50-pound stump. Philip Rivers gets severely impaled by a 2 and a half two foot splinter. Seven offensive linemen are left for dead. The crowd goes wild. At that point, I’ll have seen everything in this god damn league. But hey, at least there is one form of consistency though. No one likes the Bears. FDBSSSSSSSSS fo’ lyfe!
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