The Guy loves his football. Fact. If you’re reading this, odds are you like football too. Or maybe you’re just patiently waiting for the Guy to start talkin’ salsa, which is always a possibility. Maybe later salsa lovers, but right now the Guy wants to give our loyal readers his picks for this weekend’s NFL action. Read it and take the Guy’s advice. Read it and don’t take the Guy’s advice. The Guy is still cashing checks and snapping necks regardless…
Detroit 31, Dallas 21 – The Lions haven’t started the season 4-0 since 1956. The NFL’s top duo (Matthew Stafford to Calvin Johnson) wants to make this happen. There’s also a good chance Ndamakong Suh literally murders Tony Romo. The Guy likes Detroit.
Carolina 23, Chicago 17 – The guy has a man-crush on Cam Newton. If he limits his turnovers, Carolina will have a much better season than in 2010. That’s not really hard to do, considering Jimmy Clausen was the quarterback. Imagine what your offense might look like in Madden if you handed the controller over to Hellen Keller. Yeah, that’s pretty much Jimmy Clausen in a nutshell. Fuck Da Bearsssssssssss. Panthers win.
Buffalo 30, Cincinnati 7 – The Guy doesn’t know yet whether the Bills are legit or not. But the Guy does know that the Bengals are awful. You think they would learn that gingers can’t play quarterback...
Tennessee 17, Cleveland 13 – Matt Hasselbeck might just be an early MVP candidate if the Titans keep winning. He’s done a lot with a little. And who knows? Maybe Chris Johnson will decide to show up. Regardless, the Browns are still the Browns, and the Titans are still good enough to sneak by Cleveland even if CJ is useless once again.
Minnesota 21, Kansas City 14– Is anyone actually excited for this game? Besides Adrian Peterson of course. He’s salivating at the chance to run all over a porous Chiefs defense. Seriously though, poor Kansas City. The cornerstones of the franchise (Jamaal Charles and Eric Berry) are done for the season with torn ACLs. A Dexter McCluster breakout season might be the only thing left that can energize this bunch.
Washington 24, St. Louis 10 – Not excited in the least bit about the Rams. The Guy just doesn’t think Sam Bradford has “it”. Whatever “it” is. One thing’s for sure, sexy Rexy Grossman definitely doesn’t have it either. But Mike Shanahan’s Redskins are a much better team overall than the lowly Rams and might be a player in the NFC East.
New Orleans 35, Jacksonville 3 – Jaguars defense = bad. Saints offense = good. Simple math folks. Wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Jacksonville finishes among the worst teams in the league and wins the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. It’s too bad, such a great football city down there. Oh wait…
Pittsburgh 27, Houston 21 – This is a big test for the Texans, who have already been anointed kings of the AFC South. They should be able to put up points on the Steel Curtain, but can they stop the deep ball to Mike Wallace? Probs not.
Philadephia 31, San Francisco 14 – Michael Vick’s Eagles are angry about how things went last week against the Giants. Meanwhile, the 49ers have two somewhat lucky wins this season against two terrible, terrible football teams (Cincinnati and Seattle). They won’t get number three this Sunday, that’s for sure.
NY Giants 30, Arizona 26 – This is a complete tossup. The Giants might be halfway decent if they can recover from all the injuries they’ve had to deal with. Arizona is a definitely a nice trip to make when you’re hurting.
Atlanta 27, Seattle, 6 – The Falcons are one of the biggest underachievers in the league so far this year. A date with Seattle is just what the doctor ordered.
San Diego 31, Miami 13 – The Guy has a feeling Philip Rivers could throw for 400 yards in this one. The Guy has an even better feeling this might be Tony Sparano’s last game as head coach of the Dolphins.
NEW ENGLAND 35, OAKLAND 20 – McFadden and the Raiders will get their points. Run DMC should pick up at least 200 total yards against a struggling Pats’ defense. But there’s no way in hell that Oakland is stopping Tom Brady. You see the haircut?!? Yeah, he’s pissed.
Green Bay 42, Denver 20 – The Packers would be even better if they just cut Donald Driver.
Baltimore 30, NY Jets 17 – As a Pats fan, you’ll never catch the guy sipping Jets kool-aid. I will give them props last season; that was one hell of a defense. But it looks to me like they lost a step this year. Plus Mark Sanchez sucks donkey dick. It’s science.
Tampa Bay 24, Indianapolis 0 – I’d take a paralyzed Peyton Manning over Curtis Painter any day.